Why are some women just not maternal?

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Just pondering really. I’ve always known I wouldn’t have kids just as I’ve known that I wouldn’t climb Mount Everest. It wasn’t really a decision and I’ve given it almost no thought.

Yet my sister has always wanted to be a mother and is a fantastic one. I absolutely adore my nieces and spending time with them, but it doesn’t make me remotely broody at all.

I know this is purely anecdotal, but she loved her dolls and prams when we were kids. I never played with dolls.

It is something evolutionary? Or something biological? Why is that feeling to reproduce just not turned on for some women?

I think it shows you have a nurturing side...but not maternal. Maternal indicates a desire to replicate your genes and ensure the continuation of the species.

I don't think it's that deep really. We're all just unique. We're a random combination of genetics, brain chemistry, upbringing etc. it's like a slot machine, but instead of there only being three tumblers there's a few thousand, which when you pull the lever spits out a unique combination of a few billion different traits.

If I smell bacon, cooking I experience a deep biological urge to eat a lot of bacon. My brother on the other hand feels slightly ill at the exact same smell.

He desperately wanted kids, felt his life was incomplete without them, whereas I was entirely ambivalent. (Kid happened anyway, and I love her, and wouldn't have it any other way, but that still doesn't mean my life would have been incomplete without her)

I doubt there is one thing that produces a need to kids. Theres not one gene, one chemical, one core life experience. It's a mish mash of everything you are and have experienced.

He pulled the slot machine of life, and the tumblers fell into a position that signalled kids, I did the same and ended up with a craving for bacon.

*whereas I was entirely ambivalent. (Kid happened anyway, and I love her, and wouldn't have it any other way, but that still doesn't mean my life would have been incomplete without her)†

Snap. My life is not better or worse since DD was born, just different.

Because everyone is different?

I think if people were truly honest, many more women and men would admit that they have no interest in being parents and if they became parents that they really did not enjoy raising their children.

It has been society expectations that people should have kids and that women are the ones who are keener on the experience due to 'biology' but I do think the reality is quite different.

There are so many shit parents around that prove that some people are simply not made to raise kids.

I agree with this. I think lots of people, not just women, like the idea of a baby. Yet there are so many terrible parents and often they keep reproducing. Why? They clearly shouldn’t be having children.

The OP literally said:

It is something evolutionary? Or something biological? Why is that feeling to reproduce just not turned on for some women?

Not sure why you’re struggling.

I never played with dolls and was a real tomboy. But I have 5 children whom I love fiercely! So not sure there's a correlation there 🤔

It is interesting to ponder why some women never feel the urge and don't want children of their own. Is it hormone driven? Is it socialisation? I don't know 🤷‍♀️

I am not maternal. Never have been broody. Yet I have two kids. I bloody love them more than anything. Other peoples kids still irritate the hell out of me 😂

I think you are hugely over estimating the so-called "biological" urge. There absolutely are plenty of women who have children because of this. But the reality is that lots of women have children just because it's expected, or because they sort of want them or whatever.

I certainly never felt a biological urge and if we hadn't had children Id have been quite happy with that. I certainly didn't grow up always dreaming of children. But lots of things in my life are not things I grew up dreamin gof - I didn't dream of living in another country to the one I grew up in, I didn't dream of the career I have but I'm very happy with these decisions that have come about following lots of different situations and variables and decisions and people. Chidlren are the same. DH really wanted DC and I wasn't anti the idea, so we had them. But if I'd married a man who was less keen, Id have been happy not to have them.

Maybe it simply never was a biological as we were led to believe...
That's my opinion on that otherwise women would still have that urge and it wouldn't drop as the options not to have them expanded.

I never played with dolls, was never particularly girly & I never really felt broody at all. I didn't feel any desire to have children and then I became a mother of 2 in my 40's.

Once I had babies I became "maternal" I guess, but I don't think any of my friends would describe me this way.

Like so many things this concept that women are/must be/should be/expected to me "maternal" is a social construct which will vary from culture to culture.

I didn’t have the urge to have children. I’ve been happily married to the love of my life for years and it just never came.

After many discussions I decided that I’d rather do it than not do it but was well aware that I wasn’t like the “normal” woman having a child and that it would probably come with emotional struggles.

It’s actually been the opposite and the second I saw him my brain just switched. I can’t believe I ever thought for one fleeting second that I didn’t want this.

Let’s not forget some pregnancies are simply the result of sex. The desire to have sex is a human urge. Pregnancy is often just a consequence of that.

I am like your sister. I have no idea how to talk to kids and I come across as stiff and forced.
I held my first nephew when he was a baby, and people made such a fuss of it that it made me feel 10 times more awkward.

@HyggeTygge " I didn't have a biological urge to move to a 3-bed semi"

Of course you didn't, because nobody does! The biological urge to have children in women is composed of evolutionary drives, hormonal fluctuations and neural responses which are often layered with psychological and cultural influences. Whether that makes them maternal is another question.

Yes, I was comparing two different life decisions and how they might not include any biological urge in either one. Sorry if that wasn't clear!

Ah sorry. If only the decision to have kids was as easy as moving house!

I agree. I do wonder if OP has assumed it's a strong biological urge in every mother, when sometimes it's a "let's give it a go!".

Yes, at least you can walk around your potential new house before you commit!

I'm sure this is true. There is probably levels to having a maternal urge ranging from a deep desire to have kids to just feeling it might be nice. So not having kids might not bother you but you might still show maternal feelings to friends and relatives kids.

Personally I'm just not a people person so have no desire for much human contact at all. I can't imagine ever wanting kids.

I'm just not that interested in children or having them TBH, never have been and now at 48 it is too late.

I care for children in my life and can summon up the urge to be maternal to random kids (looking after a lost or hurt child for example) and I think I may have been a good parent because I like to do things properly, but I don't think it would have brought me much joy.

I suspect I would have felt differently if I was a man - I always thought I would be a good father but a disinterested mother.

I don't think it's to do with playing with dolls. My DD never played with dolls but she has always known she wants children.
We are all different we all like different things. That's all I think.

That is true, but I never played with dolls and even as a small child said I did not want a real baby when I was older. When my brother was born, I was not interested in him whatsoever. My sister wanted to be shown how to change nappies etc. She did go on to have kids.

Maybe. But then I think ‘let’s give it a go’ to something you cannot undo and which you are, in effect, stuck with for at least 18 years and realistically the rest of your life must come from somewhere.

What other serious decision would you make, where you cannot ever change your mind and is going to involve a huge amount of money, emotional and physical effort, time etc, by thinking ‘let’s give it a go’?

That reminds me of when I had moved in with my then DP, and my DF said to me to "just have one kid, to see if you like it". This is despite me saying I have never wanted kids, and my DP did not want them either.
And what if I don't like it? What is the returns policy on children? 😂