Why are some women just not maternal?

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Just pondering really. I’ve always known I wouldn’t have kids just as I’ve known that I wouldn’t climb Mount Everest. It wasn’t really a decision and I’ve given it almost no thought.

Yet my sister has always wanted to be a mother and is a fantastic one. I absolutely adore my nieces and spending time with them, but it doesn’t make me remotely broody at all.

I know this is purely anecdotal, but she loved her dolls and prams when we were kids. I never played with dolls.

It is something evolutionary? Or something biological? Why is that feeling to reproduce just not turned on for some women?

I think its just something you're born with i always wanted to be a mum which is why I intentionally got pregnant at 15. I grew up playing with baby dolls constantly. Begged and begged for my mum to have another baby.

It is interesting. I never wanted or considered having a child until I suddenly did, aged 31. Once that want had occurred to me it became quite all encompassing until I had my DD. I attribute it to hormones

I think it must be something biological, OP. It feels like something innate.

I always knew that I wanted a child. Like you, I didn't have to give it much thought, I just knew. There doesn't seem to be any real pattern or reason to it. I'm glad that, these days, we all have a choice!

There is no need for every woman to get pregnant to maintain the species. You see in farmed animals such as sheep, some that are very maternal towards their offspring and some who show zero interest and just abandon their lambs. It doesn't matter for the survival of the species.

I don’t know if someone wanting kids and someone not wanting kids are particularly extreme positions.2

Surely for the majority of women (sadly not all) who make the choice, at any stage of their life, to have children, there is an element of biological urge involved? I often hear about women who get to 30/35 etc before feeling the urge to have children, but it does usually come if they end up having children.

Whatever the “maternal urge” is, it’s missing in me. I’ve never had it, even from being very young. I don’t find babies at all appealing, and never have.
I like the children of my friends and family and will happily look after them (after the age of about 2) but that simply reinforced my decision to never have any, ever.
My mother was equally as maternal, she didn’t like us much at all and I have since wondered often why she bothered to have us.
I’m also baffled as to why she laments having no grandchildren, since she palmed us off at every opportunity and never failed to tell us how much of a hindrance we were. In my case at least, I’ve no doubt that has something to do with my decision to never have any.

I never played with dolls. I had a fort, a farm, a garage and trains. I plated with boys and climbed trees.

At the age of 11 I decided I was worth more than just being a mother,

I was never interested in babies and the sound of a baby crying makes me want to get as far away as possible from the thing.

I have never been maternal. Never really played with dolls as a child and can’t remember ever having any interest in babies. I don’t know what it is like to feel broody as it has never happened to me.

I was ambivalent about having children and went ahead mainly for fear of regretting it in my 40s if I didn’t. Had two wonderful girls, still not maternal but love them enormously. I’m never going to be the Mum down on the carpet playing endless make belief games but I love spending time with them in other ways and find myself enjoying them more and more as they become older.

Based on what I read on this website, I should never have had children because I wasn’t sure about it. That couldn’t be further from the truth and I’m so pleased that I took a risk.

Feel free to dismiss this out of hand/pile on/call me a numpty but in my view it’s because of our karma. Any tendencies that we arrive with in this life, we have because they were familiar in previous lives. Karma as a model explains a lot of things that western science/psychology has no way to explain.

I loved bringing up my 2 , but other people's children leave me cold and that includes family members .
I cannot coo over another person's baby & have no wish to look after or admire them .
So yes I guess I'm not your average , child loving person .

For me, I felt it was hormonal, in that it came on quite suddenly in my mid-20s, and it was very, very strong and impossible to ignore. I yearned to be pregnant. Actually in my case, I probably thought more about pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding than I did the actual human that was going to result from it all!

It turned out I wasn’t the best at mothering very small children. Don’t get me wrong, I loved them and I met their needs but God, the noise and mess and chaos. I realised for the first time that I am a massive introvert who needs a lot of time and space to myself and a lot of silence. Obviously I could rarely find that when I had two small children. (The teen and young adult years have been brilliant though; I’ve done my best mothering in this phase I think.) So I’m not sure I’m really ‘maternal’ if that means someone who loves children, wants to spend loads of time with them, and is really good at looking after them. For me it was more like an intensely strong, biological urge to become pregnant. No logic involved, just a bit animalistic I suppose.

I’m the same
never liked dolls, cuddly toys; would rather cuddle a puppy than a baby

but then my 3 little boys made me a mum, and I have loved them with an intensity I never knew possible

now they are gone/ going and I miss them so much, being their mum is my greatest joy

still don’t much like babies 🤣

I think this is the question I’m interested in really. Why some women get that intense feeling and for others they absolutely know they will never have children. It must be something biological.

I absolutely love everything about looking after my own child though, the urge is definitely switched on for them, and it was as soon as I discovered that I was pregnant. I guess it comes much later for some of us?? And can look different for each individual.

Ive not had any urge for more children, I remember when mums with kids the same age as mine started having their second and thinking ‘are you crazy’? 🤣

No, but you must have had a biological desire to reproduce to have done so three times. It’s why some women get that and others don’t that interests me.

That’s my question. Why do some women get that biological desire for their own children, whilst others never get it at all.

I like kids, but have never had any desire or want for my own, whereas others describe it as a biological need/urge.

i played with dolls, but was never maternal, never broody- it's just the way I am wired. Many women are not maternal but societal pressure leads them to being mothers- some take to it, some don't.
I knew there was a possibility that I would love being a mother if I tried it- but I wasn't willing to take the risk- it just wouldn't be fair on the child.

I don't think its as simple as liking/not liking dolls as a child.
My sister loved baby dolls and had loads. I thought them boring and really couldn't see the point in them. I grew up playing with lego and trainsets and making dens until I discovered boys 😂

I have 3 children, my sister has no children.

I love my children but I'm not falling over myself to spend time with children in general because why would I?

I mothered absolutely every teddy and doll in our house when I was little. I knew I wanted kids and now I have 3. So I feel like it was in my instinct.

interesting question about the purpose of some of us being maternal and others not. I thought it’s just a personality trait like humour or patience

Thank you, you've articulated that very well.

I'm always envious of friends who have a close relationship with their mother, spend time with them and enjoy each other's company. That's totally alien to me.

I know my mother had a shit upbringing but why didn't she try to break that cycle? If I'd had kids I would have told them every day that I love them, kissed and held them.

It took me getting a cancer diagnosis to get an 'I love you' from my mother 🙄

I never asked about wanting to spend time with other children. I asked why the biological desire to reproduce was absent in some women.

I’m not particularly maternal although the hormonal urge did kick in very strongly. I think I was a relatively good parent and gave my kids a good childhood, good education, travel, opportunities etc. They all know how to cook, budget, save, clean, drive etc

But by the time they got to 18 I was done. I’ve facilitated them all moving out by 18. Eldest has moved back in at 21. Neither she nor I are delighted about it.
I resent DH wanting them to stay longer. It feels like the difference between being the spectator and wanting the race to go on for longer and the being runner who is spent. They were all ready to leave and keen to get on with it.

I was never having any kids. Ever. Then my dad died just before I turnded 30 and my perspective changed completely. I have 2 (grown up) children now

I always (literally from the age of 5 or so) knew I wasn't going to have children. As I got older that dislike had added on to it the feeling I knew I shouldn't have children though I didn't really know why. As a 20 something year old I was finally diagnosed with a genetic condition that should absolutely never be passed on.

I also never played with dolls, never had a maternal bone in my body and have several ACES, though I don't credit those with any part in my being childfree.

I had no interest whatsoever in having babies until I was 39. Then it just overwhelmed me. Previously, the only child I ever liked was DP’s niece. Every other child, without exception, got on my nerves. When a work colleague would come in during maternity leave to show off her new baby, I was suddenly very very busy. I was lucky enough to get pregnant within a year and had DS1, followed by DS2 four years later (I had an ectopic pregnancy during that four year gap) and I discovered that I was more maternal than I thought. But only towards my own children. Other children still irritate the hell out of me. What age are you OP? Just saying …😄