Why are some women just not maternal?

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Just pondering really. I’ve always known I wouldn’t have kids just as I’ve known that I wouldn’t climb Mount Everest. It wasn’t really a decision and I’ve given it almost no thought.

Yet my sister has always wanted to be a mother and is a fantastic one. I absolutely adore my nieces and spending time with them, but it doesn’t make me remotely broody at all.

I know this is purely anecdotal, but she loved her dolls and prams when we were kids. I never played with dolls.

It is something evolutionary? Or something biological? Why is that feeling to reproduce just not turned on for some women?

I don’t know, it’s an interesting question. Obviously it’s only been fairly recently in history that women have been able to decide proactively not to, so difficult to work out reasons still.
I rarely played with dolls, was a real “tomboy” and was the youngest…I had no younger cousins even…but was the first in my family to have children and have loved it always. I always say, on the other hand, that my older sister shouldn’t have had kids but did because it was the societally “normal” thing to do and is very, very strict and clearly doesn’t like them that much.

I'm similar to you. I was never interested in baby dolls as a child although I liked to dress peg dolls with elaborate historical costumes that I copied from a 'Kings and Queens of England' book we had. My sister loved baby dolls and would have had children if she could; sadly she was never able to take a pregnancy to term.

I'm quite 'maternal' to my cats if that makes any sense but I never feel like that over human babies and children. I like meeting other people's children but I wouldn't want to spend extended time with them.

I feel a little awkward around very young children - I can never think of anything to say to them, so I end up trying to make small talk such as remarking on the weather, which doesn't interest them. I'm fine once they are old enough to make general conversation.

I didn't get on very well with other children when I was a child - I was something of an odd one out - so maybe that is part of it.

Presumably it’s no different to some women loving sport, and others being less bothered.

Or some women loving scented candles, and others being less bothered.

Or some women being very passionate about maths, and other not being so interested.

People are different.

I never played with dolls as a child either. I got pregnant 3 years ago and lost the baby unfortunately and only since that happened, have I wanted a family. My sister played with dolls and wanted to be a mum her whole life until now, she wants to travel and can’t be arsed with a relationship. I think people can change with life sometimes. Me and my sister have swapped fully! I’ve had to just leave my partner as he didn’t want kids and I did. Hard decision to make!

No it's not. Those are hobbies and interests and things which are man made so to speak. Wanting children is a biological desire to ensure the continuation of the species

Some woman who have children aren’t maternal. Society however has always told us we must get married and have kids.

There is no biological imperative in any woman to use scented candles or maths, so that’s not remotely the same.

That’s interesting. I don’t mind kids at all. I think they’re great fun and I love spending time with my nieces.

I wasn't really interested until I got broody at the same time as xh did, when we were about 30 and had been married several years.

It wasn't "I want children/be a mother" it was "I want to make a family with this person", like a joint endevour.

My mum on the other hand wasn't maternal as she hadn't been mothered herself. Had dc because that was the normal thing to do, but she would have been much happier without.

I hope all goes well for you @daisyydaisyy

I obviously knew that contraception and women’s choice are both very new, but I’ve never really thought about how 100 years ago by choices would not have been open to me. You’ve just blown my mind a bit.

Yes and control over when/if to have dc is fundamental to women's rights!

Many many women still don't have that and if I were a better and more energetic feminist I'd be working as hard as I could on efforts to improve that.

I think this has massively changed though. I, personally, have never felt any pressure to have children.

I’d just hazard a guess it’s hormones? It can’t be DNA as it wouldn’t get passed down!

I think we have been programmed to automatically think that life is about finding a partner, getting married and having kids and for a long time people didn’t question it and a lot of women ended up having children and then realising they didn’t actually want them.

Now it is alot more acceptable to speak openly about how big of a deal having kids is and it’s ok to question if you want that “conventional” life or not.

My Mother should never have had children and she has no emotional attachment to us having left us when I was 13. I vowed I would never have children as I was scared I’d be just like her and I had convinced myself for a very long time that I truly didn’t want them. But here I am with a 6 MO baby and I couldn’t be more in love. It makes me sad for the mum I never had and I vow to never turn out like her.

I don’t think she was malicious in her actions, sadly I think there’s just something missing in her brain and genetic make up that means she doesn’t feel attachment to people.

I never played with dolls and disliked babies. However when I had my dd it was as if someone flicked a switch and I had no choice; I became Mother Earth after a matter of hours. They’re adults now and I still sadly find it hard to let go.

It's down to your own parents and how they showed love to you isn't it?

My own mother is a cold hearted witch, her mother was the same to her. Never any affection or hugs. She occasionally mentions her cold, disinterested mother but never made any attempt to break that cycle 🙆 Now she laments she has no grandchildren.

No, I absolutely disagree with that. My mother showered us both with love. She was an amazing mother, and we wanted for nothing. My dad was and still in the same. We both had a very happy and secure childhood and both got on and get on amazingly with our parents as adults.

It’s purely that I have just never felt any flicker of desire to have kids. I’ve never had to make a decision, I just knew I wouldn’t be having them as I knew I would never swim the English Channel.

That’s very sad for you and your mother.

It doesn’t explain why some women get an overwhelming urge to have children and others don’t though.

Just what you’re interested in I guess. Wasn’t interested in kids at all and didn’t know if I wanted them until I was 30. Then I had my child and my maternal instinct switched on immediately….. for my child, I have a better understanding of children and I’m very fond of individuals but generally beyond my own child, there’s no urge to look after children, it’s exhausting, especially babies. Don’t take that as I dislike them, I like children, I’m just more interested in animals. That was the kind of role playing games I would enjoy as a child and the hobby I enjoy as an adult.

It's an interesting question. I'm very much like you, having children has just never been something that I thought I would do. I like children, they like me too. I spend a lot of time with my nephews and my friends kids. We used to live near a primary school and I loved hearing them out playing at lunchtime. But nope, I like to give them back, no desire for any of my own. I also think I'm weirdly maternal towards my dog 😄

I suppose the real answer is we're all different. Partly for me maybe, I had a difficult childhood in some ways and I don't think I could bear to watch my child suffer in any kind of similar way. The responsibility just feels kind of suffocating. I'm a pretty selfish person I think so maybe that's partly why.

Ok thank you for your perspective, we are very different then ☺️

I had children fairly young against my better judgement. I'm not maternal, small children annoy me. Babies crying give me fight or flight reaction after my experiences with my own.
Ive just spent the evening with a mixed aged activity 4-70 yrs, the 4-10yr olds were a pain in the ass. I found myself getting irritated just being in the room with them. Being silly, unable to stand still and listen ..just irritating. Some of the adults are 'oh their only kids, cant expect more', I'm 'they can do it properly or fuck off!' 😂🙈

I never have that flicker though, never any urge.

It’s not what you’re just interested in though. You weren’t/aren’t interested in babies and yet you had one. It’s often a biological urge.

Exactly.

And OP has given two extreme examples but in reality plenty of women will be between those two: Not entirely sure if their lives will be overall better with kids or without them... and this isn't a fixed state either, it's something that can change with time, experiences, hormones, relationships, headspace, etc.

You can feel maternal once you've got your kids, you might find you actually feel less maternal than you expected, or more.