Why are some women just not maternal?

[Directly171717171717]

Just pondering really. I’ve always known I wouldn’t have kids just as I’ve known that I wouldn’t climb Mount Everest. It wasn’t really a decision and I’ve given it almost no thought.

Yet my sister has always wanted to be a mother and is a fantastic one. I absolutely adore my nieces and spending time with them, but it doesn’t make me remotely broody at all.

I know this is purely anecdotal, but she loved her dolls and prams when we were kids. I never played with dolls.

It is something evolutionary? Or something biological? Why is that feeling to reproduce just not turned on for some women?

Around my late 20’s I wanted a family but if I’m being honest I think I thought it would change my life (was verging on alcoholic at this point). I had therapy and the desire disappeared (not the best childhood and am NC with my own parents). However DH always wanted to be a dad, he didn’t pressure me at all but in my late 30’s I thought if we don’t do this now he’ll miss out on being a father (he would never have left me over not having kids, he made that clear) so we went ahead.

I adore my DC BUT I am still in no way maternal, I get zero pleasure out of the job of parenting (I think a lot of women would probably agree), I just love her very much. I’m similar to pp, I do like kids more now, I’m still awkward around children and have no desire to look after them. Mainly I’m tired. I did decide one was enough. I think I would have been happier without a DC if I’m being honest but I’m glad she specifically is here and I wouldn’t change that.

I don’t actually think you know until they are here. I know someone who spent over a decade trying to conceive and thousands of pounds but found she hated pretty much everything about being a mum.

To be stilted and formal to your niece is very unusual.

I know plenty of women who aren’t maternal - both mothers and non-mothers - who would at least be affectionate to their own young niece.

I don’t know if I’d call myself maternal but I can’t imagine not being affectionate with my friends kids. Let alone my nieces or cousins. The only thing is I do hold back a bit when I first meet kids because I don’t want to force a hug on them.

So I might get down to their eye level and chat and smile /look friendly etc lol but until I get to know them more I will leave it for them to actually hug me first, but that’s only because I don’t want to impose on them when I may be more of a stranger to them.

I would assume that the biological drive to reproduce is affected to quite a significant degree by environment, culture, and technology - nature doesn't overwhelm nurture. So if the environment, culture, and technology all make parenthood feel like an optional and difficult choice, a lot of people won't be interested.

I have to think a good deal of it is influenced by hormones as well, though, as so many women - even those who are happily child free - experience broodiness in their mid-late 30s, and feel a strong desire to have a baby that generally fades after several years as perimenopause sets in. So maybe a hormonal push towards a last chance at reproduction?

Also, as in everything, there are outliers, so a minority of women are desperate to have baby after baby, most are fairly keen to have one or two at some point, and another minority have zero interest at all.

I have no clue, but I'd wonder if it's a possibility that women with less of a desire for children might (on a statistical level) have more difficulty conceiving, or be more prone to genetic issues? Who knows.

It is interesting because I know women who have a deep desire for children and women who have zero desire for kids. Someone once said to me its not the kids she specifically wants it’s the family.

There must be some sort of genetic driver imo, there is a bit of research suggesting that women with higher IQ’s have higher odds of not having children and at the very least delay childbearing when they do have kids (studying, working perhaps). But I’m not sure if thats because the opportunity cost of having them is too great or it’s something else. I can’t help to think though it’s disconnected from desire, regardless of how clever you are what we are talking about is the desire specifically and existence or absence of it. I don’t know maybe if you are extremely smart it doesn’t appeal because you are busy thinking/doing extremely smart things.

I had zero desire to have kids and I’m not sure I can put into words why. I definitely thought it looked tiresome and a bit boring (which turned out to be true, I’m often busy but not exactly mentally stimulated, but mines little so maybe that comes later, she’s definitely become more interesting and funny as she’s got older). I also looked after my own siblings a lot and didn’t enjoy that either so that definitely put me off.

Thinking about it some more - ultimately though, humans didn't evolve knowing that sex=babies, so really, the biological drive would just be to have sex, right? And the babies come from that.

So I guess maybe there's no biological drive to reproduce as such at all, and no maternal or paternal instinct prior to having babies, just a drive to have sex that will result in babies.

What's interesting is that many women have higher sex drives in early perimenopause, like some sort of 'last chance' push, and also that women do often experience a lower sex drive after children (more of a 'I can take it or leave it' feeling) that could lead to more spaced out reproduction, which is less strain on the body.

I don’t know, we are heavily influenced by our genes, a lot of traits are quite heritable. It’s just that women with “I don’t want a baby” traits often used to end up having them anyway through a lack of choice. Once you have financial independence forging your own path became a lot easier. I would say my own mum would have been happier without children.

Mainly I’m tired. I did decide one was enough. I think I would have been happier without a DC if I’m being honest but I’m glad she specifically is here and I wouldn’t change that.
I don’t actually think you know until they are here. I know someone who spent over a decade trying to conceive and thousands of pounds but found she hated pretty much everything about being a mum.

@Bringemout recently I have encountered quite a few mothers who share this kind of perspective . It’s something that was never spoken about in the past, but increasingly thanks in part to online communities it’s become less taboo to discuss.

The narrative has always been every woman is happier albeit more tired post kids.

I am not saying you regret it as that’s not what you said, but there are many who do.

Yeah I think thats interesting, I’m definitely experiencing that in peri. But some women fantasise about actual babies though. I think given contraception is widely available if it were the case that it’s just about sex then the population would have dropped like a stone in most of the western world.

One thing I’ve noticed as my oestrogen is dropping is that I’m a lot less “caring”. I still care objectively about a lot of things but I am less tolerant and feel less need to be thoughtful or consider others feelings which in my case is a good thing because I’m a total people pleaser. I think this is quite common for women going through meno.

It does suggest women are primed through hormones (to a degree) to be able to care for children (different from wanting to or actually doing it).

I wonder if hormonal differences may explain some of variance in desire for children.

I’m the same, OP. I knew it too, but I’m also very maternal. My greatest pleasure in life has turned out to be taking care of others, just not my own children. I must have my own time and space, and lots of it. But I was mothered by a hugely warm and loving mother so maybe that’s counteracted my lack desire for my own. It’s always been a strange fate.

Why are people short, tall, blonde, why do some babies cry a lot and some don't? We're all different. I am absolutely convinced that a LOT more women than we ever knew about did not want to have children, but had no realistic choice beyond joining a nunnery.

It's perfectly natural not to want to have kids, or want to have kids, or be on the fence. Hard to pick apart what is nurture and what is nature, so long as you are happy with your choice all is well.

I never played with dolls, had no interest in babies/young children growing up, but have 3 of my own and absolutely adore being a mother.

The "more than just a mother " comment from pp on mumsnet of all places was odd.
I didn't play with dolls and never owned a Barbie, but did own an electric trainset. I have 4 DC and 9 pets. I'm a weirdo though.

Yeah thats the thing, I’ve seen people object to women discussing childbirth or regretting kids but women are finally allowed to be honest and to me thats great thing. Childbrith can leave you with permanent injuries and changes, having children is russian roulette, you have no idea what you get and how you will react. The desire to have children is not the same thing as enjoying it later or doing it very well and people who had no intention of having one are probably sometimes surprised to find that they really do love it or are good at it.

Yeah I agree, regret wouldn’t be the right word for me, just acknowledgement that there was an opportunity cost to having a child that had I fully understood it I probably would have made a different choice. I’m grateful that it has nevertheless turned out well for me and I wouldn’t wish her away (even though she has aged me by 30 years).

But the question of desire is the elusive one really I was almost childfree/childless and I think about why that may have been and I think I just don’t like looking after people tbh. I’m also an introvert, also not a naturally helpful person (I do help obviously and I genuinely don’t mind but people often need to ask and I’m unlikely to volunteer spontaneously because it just doesn’t occur to me).

Tbh most of the women I know without kids (I know quite a few 7 off the top of my head) did actually want them, they just never met someone to have them with. The ones who don’t (can think of two) seem to just enjoy their lives as they are and prefer being aunties, one has a high powered career, not coupled up, very happy. The other one is married but again very happy and likes their life as it is. I would say both are introverts as well.

It’s interesting isn’t it?

some of the women I went to school with desperately wanted to be mums and talked about how they couldn’t wait. Some did and loved it and some have chosen not to due to circumstances (didn’t meet the right person, struggling with mental health, can barely afford their life let alone an extra).

I’ve now reached the age where some who had no interest biological clock has ticked or tocked and some have children. It’s more unknown as many in the latter haven’t brought up their whys and so I’d say for the later cohort it’s harder to get at the reasons (and I don’t feel it’s my business to get up in theirs to ask). I imagine for some women the biological drive is strong, but for others it’s just a whisper - easier to talk yourself out of a “yeah maybe” than a strong “yes”

Interesting question! I never played and owned a doll as a child. I was also a little tomboy growing up but when I met my husband in my early twenties I knew I wanted to have babies with him. Our first born came two years after we got married and another few years after.

I think i wasn't meant to be a mother. I come from a massive family and love all the kids which i have babysat since i was 13 but 24/7 just no. Don't get me wrong i would have wholeheartedly given them everything i could emotionally and practically but it would have taken something from me that i don't want to give. I have a nephew that i love like my own whom i had staying with me at weekends and took him on hols etc. and step kids that i love and would do anything for but in my 50s now I'm finally at peace with my decision not to have kids. Oh...and i never treated my dolls as babies, they were either my pals or fashion icons!