Why are some women just not maternal?

[Directly171717171717]

Just pondering really. I’ve always known I wouldn’t have kids just as I’ve known that I wouldn’t climb Mount Everest. It wasn’t really a decision and I’ve given it almost no thought.

Yet my sister has always wanted to be a mother and is a fantastic one. I absolutely adore my nieces and spending time with them, but it doesn’t make me remotely broody at all.

I know this is purely anecdotal, but she loved her dolls and prams when we were kids. I never played with dolls.

It is something evolutionary? Or something biological? Why is that feeling to reproduce just not turned on for some women?

I didn't want DC for a long time and then I did but I wouldn't describe it as an 'urge' because it didn't feel desperate or something I had to do , I was still quite happy to continue as is too and wouldn't have been devastated or upset if it hadn't happened.

I still wouldn't really describe myself as maternal. I obviously love my DC but I hated the baby stage and I'm not a fan of DC in general except for my own.

Wanted to be a Mum but none of the guys romantically have. I’ve got to nearly 45 with periods happening on time each month the average guy can’t handle this.
, it upsets them to know we aren’t all in peri menopause or whatever else they could like to call it.

don’t understand how accidents happen if one partner is so against, sorry.

@Directly171717171717 i never had the urge or want to have a child. Met my husband, said as much, and that if “we” were to have children I’d want to adopt. Then I saw how he was with our friends children and realised that actually I wanted to try to have babies with him. It wasn’t a biological thing, it was more “god I love this man, and this is something we can do together”. We now have a 10yr old, and as much as I love my husband, the love I feel for our Dd is something else entirely. I’m SHIT at dealing with other peoples children though.

I don’t know. The maternal instinct was never there for me, but I’m so grateful for my Dd. I tell her I love her all the time. I’ve friends who’ve tried desperately to have babies and never been successful, and I’ve friends who didn’t want kids and their partners have accepted that.

I suppose this also leans into sex V reproduction. I think men and women’s drive in this sense is their desire for sex, and I don’t think I’d have resisted sex 100 years ago to avoid getting pregnant. The desire to have sex feels like an absolute urge the same as the need for sleep and hunger. So I guess that also took care of reproduction before contraception.

But then I know women who really feel the urge for children, but don’t desire sex. Maybe it was some sort of evolutionary bolts and braces - most women will either feel the urge for sex or babies.

Feeling very thankful to whoever it was that invented condoms.

I don’t know. Isn’t wanting to reproduce with the man you love quite biological at its core?

It didn’t really feel biological to me, it felt like a logical step. Are you saying that having a baby is only ever a biological urge then, so it’s never a choice, just an urge?

Yes, that's a good point! It's like a backup plan - if you aren't craving babies at any price, you may well be gagging for sex ... so you'd end up pregnant anyway.

Evolution: sneaky! And, as you say, thank goodness for contraceptives. I'm fully behind the PP who stressed the importance of making birth control available worldwide, for women to have choices.

You said: It wasn’t a biological thing, it was more “god I love this man, and this is something we can do together”.

I'd say that is biological, actually! You felt strong emotions leading you to reproduce with him. I mean, it's more than something we can do together, isn't it. 'Something' might be sailing across the Atlantic, starting a packaging business, metal detecting, all sorts of things compatible partners do together. You're describing something deeper, more emotional, instinctive.

The “biological” thing was my love for my DH. It wasn’t an all consuming biological urge to have children. You seem intent on proving that women who don’t want children are more logical and in control of their emotions than women who want children, and anyone who has a child is ruled by their urges.

Some women who have children should never have had them.

I’m very happily childfree by choice and I always knew that I didn’t want to have kids. I wasn’t particularly keen on children even when I was one myself. The urge to nurture & care was just never there. I don’t find babies cute or appealing in any way. I don’t have pets for the same reason. Looking after dependents just isn’t me.

I’m aware that I’m fortunate to live at a time and in a society in which it’s possible to control fertility & opt out of procreation. Previous generations didn’t have such choices. Having kids was just an inevitable part of life. It still is in many cultures in which women don’t get to make these choices, of course. Some of them must be desperately unhappy living lives they wouldn’t have chosen for themselves. I know I would be.

I did say that. After I saw how he was with our friends children. After I saw what he could be like as a dad. And when I still didn’t want to birth a child. I had zero maternal instinct. I felt strong emotions for my husband, but it definitely didn’t feel instinctive to try for a baby. You’re ascribing a lot of emotion here, where you don’t really know much about us.

I don’t know why you’ve replied to my comment twice, and I don’t know why you’re offended, but I’m not looking for an argument.

I do think that, along with readily available birth control, we are getting to the point where getting married, and procreating, isn’t the only blue print available. So, women are perhaps having deeper contemplation about what they want.

Marriages either aren’t always part of the deal, or they don’t last. In the last twenty years or so, there seems to have been a push to discuss the full reality of motherhood.

I did play with dolls - baby dolls, and Barbies, and loved playing imaginary ‘House’ games when I was young, I was a very girly girl, much to my mum’s annoyance.
However, always been totally nonplussed by the idea of being a mother. Never been broody, either when I was younger, on now at 40.

Due to personal circumstances, no maternal instinct has been a blessing, as I found out I couldn’t have children - thanks to lots of gyne issues, and followed by very early Premature Ovary Failure. The latter temporarily destroyed my life for a few years, and I think the one thing that would have made it worse, is if I had been someone who had hoped for children, and to experience motherhood.

My love for my various pets, is incredibly powerful, and makes me very content

I actually think little babies are very cute (love the chubby cheeks, and the silly smiles!). But, I am less keen once they turn into little people. However, I am very fond of my mates’ kids.
I also seem to come off as a ‘safe adult’ 😇because I regularly get approached by children asking to pet my dog, or if they need help. That really tickles me, because it makes me feel like a proper grown up😆

Sorry hadn’t meant to reply twice! I’m not looking for an argument, and I’m not offended. You’re asking about why the biological urge to have children isn’t there for some women. I’m saying it was never there for me, but no one seems to believe me.

Like most other kids in primary school in the 70s I wanted a pram with a doll. I don’t recall getting much out of it. I loved Cindys and Barbies and would play with them all the time. In retrospect? I enjoyed imagining their jet set lives and dressing them in fab clothes. I don’t ever recall wanting to ‘baby’ any doll or imagine I was its mother.

Never had kids. Never wanted any.

I believe you! I never had it either.

I have zero biological urge to have children. OP, it’s great that you enjoy being around kids despite never wanting your own. I think there must be a spectrum even within the ‘not maternal’ camp.

I dislike being around young children, but make an effort where it’s expected. I feel particularly uncomfortable with babies, and will subtly make myself scarce if a baby is being passed around. It makes me feel anxious, like my lack of maternal interest is a glaring sign over my head. I care deeply about the welfare of young people, and have even volunteered with teens for a cause I believe in, but eventually I quit - primarily because my belief in the cause couldn’t override the stress of being in a room full of teenagers.

I would go so far as to say that, even if a biological urge to procreate hit me for the first time tomorrow, I’d simply go to therapy and wait it out. I know that having children is incompatible with who I am, and what I want from my life. Definitely not fair on the kid, either.

So, in a way, I wish I had a bit more of your approach, OP. I hope I’ll learn to enjoy the company of kids a bit more one day, as it makes for awkward (at least for me) situations! I’ll continue to do my best and put a smile on for friends and family, but I draw the line at babysitting, changing nappies, cleaning up etc.

I Never had the urge.
At 11 i told school friends and some family members that i didn't like or want human babies when i was older because i only liked "dog babies" I stuck to my word😂

I had dolls when I was young and so did my older sister. She had 4 children over 10 years and I used to babysit tge eldest 2. After that I was in a relationship & my best friend had 3 children - none of these babies/children made me want to become a mum and I didn't want any with my partner. A few years later I married someone else and at 37 I became so broody it was unreal - it rarely went away - although I still didn't have any fondness for other children at all. I had my daughter at 41 when DH had finished paying CSA and I've loved her since I first set eyes on her, it was unreal. No idea what all that means but in my experience your body will let you know when the time is right.

It's a bit more than that. Being a mother is not equal to enjoying watching the footy on TV.

You're fully entitled to those feelings but I'm surprised you're on Mumsnet.

Agree with you - over half the ladies I know are divorced or single parenting within a marriage. I couldn’t cope with that + looking after my parents when I’m older (am their only child in England). I adore babies and having someone to cuddle and carry so I decided to get a Cavapoo and she is very very loved.

My sister is like this. She doesn’t get involved in any aspect other than casual hello occasionally when her four year old niece (my daughter) visit. She’s never swept her up in a cuddle or anything. It’s very stilted and formal.

I think it’s just how it can be with some.

Probably for the same reason the biological urge to have kids for many men isn’t turned on?

That reason being we are developed and advanced humans who are no longer purely tied to our biological urges and we get to think about our actual preferences and what’s best for us and our future children if any.

Especially thanks to birth control.

I also feel it’s worth saying a lot of women don’t reproduce because of a biological urge. And many didn’t always want kids the way your sister did.

A lot of women (and men)want or have kids because of societal conditioning, partner pressure or just by accident/carelessness.

That last one is very common. Carelessness.

My best friend growing up said her mum had reminded her on more than one occasion she only had her at age 35 out of guilt. She did not intend to fall pregnant but didn’t want an abortion partly thanks to her partner pleading with her not to have one.

Ironically said father of my friend left just before her birth never to be seen again, so she’s never met this man.

When it actually comes down to raising the kids many mothers are not maternal whether they had that initial biological drive to procreate or not.

Conversely some women are maternal but have actively chosen not to have kids because they feel their personal circumstances won’t allow them to give a child the life they want.

TDLR: parenthood does not equal the presence of being maternal/paternal, many parents become so due to sexual urges not biological urges and a lot of women are not maternal. I’d say a substantial minority were not maternal.