Would you be comfortable if your daughter was assigned a male nursery worker?

[Nervousb2b]

Out of interest, how would you feel if your daughter was assigned a male member of staff in an early years setting to provide intimate care? Would you feel just as comfortable if a female member of staff was assigned?

Some may be okay with it, some may not - interested to see the general consensus.

I wonder if it would be statistically safer to drag three men off the street to care for a very young child who'd grudgingly do it than three men who positively wanted to do it and passed all the practically useless dbs checks and had placards on the wall of their qualifications.

I'm guessing it might be.

Though of course it's not an experiment that could ever be carried out.

Sometimes the people who want to really do a job are the ones who really should not be allowed to do it.

If the figures are 98% of incidents involve a male - are you happy for husbands/boyfriends/partners providing this care?

Or do we end up with baby/child care being the responsibility of women only?

We can't eliminate all risk, but that doesn't mean we should deliberately invite more risk into our children's lives.

Agreed

Yes, our DDs had a male nursery worker and he was one of the best there. All the kids thought he was wonderful. He did some babysitting for us too.

For a verbal child?
No.
For a pre-verbal child?
Hell no.

Just wanted to also make the point that I agree predator males are attracted to early childcare but there is another type of male who ends up there- young men with learning disabilities that are shoved into early childcare work due to there being no other jobs for them.

I went to school with a boy who had quite severe learning difficulties. He also had physical issues and was barely 5 ft tall. He was a sweet kind boy but as a teenager was at times sexually inappropriate with the girls and didn’t understand boundaries at all. He wasn’t strong enough to be a builder’s labourer or the like so ended up in early childcare.

He was quite childlike and was adored by the parents and children. He was then arrested for possessing Polaroids of the toddlers and babies. He hadn’t distributed them- just for his own purposes. He had an adult male’s sexual desires but completely lacked the ability to deal with his desires in a safe way, He should never have been put in the position of early childcare- a disaster for the kids, for his family and for him. But this is early childcare- the entry level positions are often a dumping ground for young people with no other prospects and who can have complex needs themselves. Not usually a problem for young women but is not good when they are young men.

Safeguarding should screen him out surly - a DBS check will reveal he has been arrested for possessing photos

Exactly - so if the figure is 98% then there will be partners/husbands ect who will be in this group.

So, should it be exclusively a woman's role until they are toilet trained?

I can and did find a nursery with only female staff. Bit tough to eliminate my husband from my life.

Why just female infants?

Name changed as don’t want it to be linked back to my previous posts, and details are outing.

I’m currently going through a really emotional battle with my daughter’s new nursery who has a young male worker. I am NOT happy about this, as I believe any female/mother/parent should decide what sex provides care/intimate care for their child - as we can with doctors and intimate examinations. This is no different in my eyes, and more likely for sexual abuse to take place with a non verbal child.

For context, my ex husband was recently arrested for child pornography which completely shook me to the core and caused a breakdown in my mental health - I just couldn’t believe it and it made me sick to my stomach. He’s obviously not allowed contact at all with my children now (but I still had to fight that in court!). I am also a victim of childhood sexual abuse and assault. I know it’s a “me” thing with my past and lack of trust in most men - but the shit I’ve been through and now this with my ex husband, I’d hope any reasonable person would understand!!!

Anyway. Prior to my 1yr old girl starting nursery a few weeks back, I spoke with the manager when I realised there was a man there to explain my feelings and personal situation with my ex. She cried during the meeting with empathy and totally understood. She said she would speak to the male worker and have it so he wasn’t involved to alleviate my huge anxieties. I made it clear I wasn’t suggesting he is a risk, but you get how I feel… I felt heard and reassured. I then get an email from management saying it’s tough shit basically and they won’t keep him away from her for fear of discrimination, and that the male worker got actively upset and annoyed at my request. This has raised huge red flags - would anyone else feel the same?? Surely on a case by case basis they can see how raw and first hand a male is for me and my family. Surely a man /any person would want to alleviate a mother’s very specific concerns in this case? Or am I being entitled??

bottom line is there are no other baby nurseries within 15 miles that either have spaces or are female only workers. I have no family support and need to work two days a week to keep a roof over our heads. I’ve tried asking for reassurance and requesting he’s not her keyworker and doesn’t do nappy changes, but they said no. They’ve also not been upfront about other small details about the nursery. It’s breaking my heart to send my child to somewhere I don’t trust. The general feelings there have been pretty bad there too - but I don’t know if it’s just towards me now because I raised this. But I barely got a hello from the male worker and a couple of other female workers yesterday. I’d expect a warm and welcoming atmosphere for a new parent and baby!

I spoke to other mums there who I know, and they agree they are not happy there’s a male worker, but are too scared to speak up because they don’t want to upset management……. I’m just flabbergasted that this is the situation. That there are no choices for mums in this situation with males who will be providing intimate care to our BABIES. I Know women can be abusers too, but as we have already all discussed on here, it’s rarer.

having come across this thread at this time has made me feel reassured on the one hand that IANBU, but also angry that there isn’t a choice by law!! My eldest did have a male keyworker at preschool when he was verbal and potty trained, and he was amazing! He only worked in the older rooms - not the baby rooms as the nursery understood parents concerns.

I feel so distressed and upset. I can’t not work, but I don’t know what to do!!

sorry I feel like I’ve hijacked this thread with my sob story, but it was funny timing seeing this as I wanted to start my own thread when I felt able to.

and to add - DBS and training mean jack shit to me and should be taken with caution for all. My ex husband was a police officer of nearly a decades service.

If they’ve been caught!! My ex husband was a police officer and was arrested for child abuse images. DBS means nothing. And when it does, it means it’s too late.
as per my post above, I am not comfortable with male workers for very personal and very serious reasons!!

the male worker got actively upset and annoyed at my request. This has raised huge red flags - would anyone else feel the same??

I think the problem here is that it has now become personal, and I can understand his feelings. When it was just 'I don't want ANY male workers', it was a general request/demand; but once you're specifically mentioning him and asking for reassurance that 'Oliver won't be allowed anywhere near my child' - when he just wants to get on and do his job like all of his female colleagues - of course he is going to feel insulted and accused personally.

To him, it probably does feel like one step away from his own reputation and integrity being brought into question, so naturally he will be worried at the prospect of any career-ending allegations. Plenty of perfectly honourable, decent men have been subjected to accusations, or even 'just' rumours, and have lost everything before they've been able to be completely exonerated, but the damage is already done.

Of course not. It is unrealistic to eliminate risk entirely. It is perfectly possible to limit risk

I specified I don’t want any male workers in light of my circumstances and feelings as a parent/woman - but he’s the only male currently working there.
I do understand your point of view and feel it’s valid. I don’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable. However, from a human point of view - what I’m going through is horrendous, and I’d hope any human with an ounce of understanding/sympathy/whatever may be able to take what I’m asking at face value, not as an accusation!

The only way to protect children, girls and young women properly is a total ban on men (genetic males) entering any form of caring profession, including teaching (primary and secondary), nursing, care homes, children's homes and youth clubs. Also stricter monitoring of those that enter in to tutoring or coaching. Extreme suspicion should be applied to ANY man wanting to have contact with children, young people or vulnerable adults.
No man should ever be left on their own with vulnerable children.

Unfortunately, though much rare, women abuse children

Well done for speaking up.
Personally, I don't care what men think any more.
They should direct their anger at all the millions of male abusers in the world.
I say this to my DH and DS too, if they find women are wary of them. Suck it up!

My dd had a male nursery worker he was lovely. She was 3 though when she started so could go to toilet herself by then. He was in the preschool area so I expect most of them didn't need help with nappies by then. I suppose dad's do nappies so is there really a difference all staff would be dbs checked.

You dont need to apologose for your wishes and feelings at all!! As an adult I can chose not to have any intimate care provided by a male and we should be able to make the same choices for our children. Have you considered a childminder? Obviously a lone female or working with other women? I refused to allow my son to attend any hursery setting with Male Staff ( many years working in child protection does that) as its an unacceptable risk for me. I also never allowed my son to be alone with anyone male other than his dad while he was under 5 and I still dont allow sleepovers .

I hope this is sarcasm!! Male teachers are very important especially for boys who need decent male role models and it can change the dynamics of a classroom having a male teacher. My sons favourite primary teacher so far was male.

Not sarcasm at all. Genuinely, how can anyone believe that contract with men for children and young people is worth the risk? Let's face it, it would probably be better if contact with men in general was reduced for us all.

I wish people would realise that all the dozens of male child abusers in the UK were DBS checked. Didn't stop them.

Best get rid of all the boys as soon as they reach puberty as well.