Why do so many women in the UK, work full-time and also do the cooking cleaning and mental load at home..?

[GreenCandies]

Why ?

Why put up with it ?

Watching with interest as I get very frustrated when they come on here and moan about it.

Often it all seems pretty equal into kids come into the mix, maybe during maternity leave women step up massively then set a presedent
She not only at home looking after the baby, she's then often doing extra stuff during the days like washing shopping cooking cleaning

But why oh why do they put up with it long term

So many on Mumsnet
but in RL…. Most of my friends, me included, work part time!

I think because the ‘solution’ which is usually divorce, is so destructive to the family, so people end up putting up with it.

I see it in nearly every family I know - a formerly quite equal couple, but once kids arrive the mum does more and more - while the dad does a few token tasks (eg the school runs a couple of mornings a week, cooks a dinner, empties the dishwasher once). Most bizarrely in all scenarios the dads can’t seem to identify what the problem is.

I don’t really understand what exactly is going on in the minds of the dads. There’s a lot of discussion of this issue among women - is there the same among men? I suspect not. Or they’re all laughing at us.

Surely the question should be why some men treat women so poorly.

A lot of us don't and share with our partner but it doesn't get a lot of attention on MN.

What’s your situation @GreenCandies ?

I wonder this too op. I’m late 50s and have a pretty equal marriage. My kids grew up watching both mummy and daddy doing their bit domestically and now as adults themselves they have full partnerships, not something out of a 1950s Women’s Own magazine.

In fact most of the men in my family (including my late father in his 90s) pulled their weight, could iron a shirt, entertain a child and make a meal. If gives me the ick when I see relationships where women ‘mummy’ their male partners. I have no clue why modern young women settle for that shit.

Absolutely why do they treat their wives/partners like this?
Guessing because they can get away with it, and because ultimately they view the partners as their to service them....

Any men on here I'd love to hear why do you this? Don't you feel bad? Or do you just feel entitled ?

Centuries of ingrained misogyny?

If you’re able to get away from that and set things up more equitably in your house/relationship that is great, but fundamentally the issue is that we live in a patriarchal
society and trying to spin it so that it sounds like a failure on the part of each individual woman is missing the point.

I wanted to do all that to take care of my now grown up family - but I had the luxury of being a sahm and a husband who voluntarily did quite a lot without being asked.
Maybe other women feel the same but aren’t so lucky in the other respects?

It's cultural with British men. They would literally rather their wives divorced them, and reliquish half their money, half their savings, half their house, half their pension and see their kids for very little time than do an unpaid domestic chore whilst living with a female.

NAMALT, obviously, but a large majority are. It won't change.

I have no time for people who blame the women in this situation.

Only a newly-arived alien would think it's the woman's fault. It's fake ignorance of the last god knows how many millenia of context. Pisses me right off.

I agree with pp that men are laughing at us. "why have a dog and bark yourself?" is their thinking.

Not all men etc.

Grew up seeing my mum do this, realised even as a young child fuck that, I wouldn't choose that for a life.
So I work less, earn less, prioritise what I want and what works for me
I do more in the home than my dh but I also work less, so I feel my personal situation is fairly fair

Why do you ask op? What’s your situation?

im in a long term relationship after being married and I don’t put up with any crap and he manages his own kids and his relationships with his side of the family.

but apparently I’m weird so 🤷‍♀️

Because they have children with shitty men?

Most (not all some are single dads themselves) of the men on here @GreenCandies are only here to complain that they don't get as much sex as they want from the working mums who do everything in the house, they aren't going to be helpful.

So no kids

and you do more around the house than your DH

when you say you “work less”…. You work part time?

Becsuse they are pig ignorant, lazy and have zero respect for their wives or for themselves as men.
What happens when we won't stand for it? Well then you end up getting divorced three times like me while they go off and find another dumb servant.

I am absolutely not blaming the women - it's completely the man's fault - but what I just don't get is why some women say nothing and just accept it. A friend of mine was telling me about her husband recently, he's essentially a third child who needs to be looked after and can't do anything without being asked. When I asked her how she didn't completely lose her shit about it, she said "because I don't want to upset him". No hint of physical or emotional abuse, she just feels guilty for saying anything that might make him feel sad. I genuinely don't understand this mindset.

Why do you think they are like that ? Why do you think they won't change?

Yes I have kids

I don’t get it either but it’s so ingrained culturally that it seems that even the most intelligent and independent women get caught in the trap post kids. My DH is excellent, he carries mental load and shares all the chores and probably does marginally more childcare. He sees what needs to be done and gets on with it, you can find him vacuuming in his lunch hour when WFH and he bakes a loaf of bread every other day, he will pack the kids bags and know what clubs they are doing that day etc.

But there’s still something about the thinking, planning and anticipating that I do that he just doesn't. He lives in the moment. He gets what’s on the list from the shops, he doesn’t hold a meal plan in his head, he gets an outfit out for the kids, he doesn’t think about whether or not to avoid putting DS in his favourite t-shirt for a messy activity. That kind of thing - sounds small but it adds up. It was fine before kids - but kids are so much about the thinking, planning and anticipating. Even with a committed, equal DH, it took us a good while to find an equilibrium and I felt mentally overloaded for a long time.

When I was on mat leave, I’d saved to continue to contribute to the household financially. I also made it very clear I was at home to look after the child and build my new life as a mum. Not to take on a housewife role.

Laziness around the house and home as one of the many reasons I divorced my husband. I know I put up with it waaaaay too long.

I should add it was just him and me, no children. And most of the time we were together he had no job!

Oh yes the entitlement to sex from men is another crazy thing