Why do so many women in the UK, work full-time and also do the cooking cleaning and mental load at home..?

[GreenCandies]

Why ?

Why put up with it ?

Ok so you do have kids.

So you work part time? How old are your
kids?

So then, who picks up the housework and life admin? You?

It's still men shirking household related chores because they think they are beneath them.

Men and women have been conditioned to believe that the house and kids are the woman's domain. It will take years and years of women pushing back to redress the balance.

Some of them quite enjoy the martyrdom. There’s a woman like this in my circle who always performatively moans about how busy life is but sensible suggestions about how to manage it fairly and get her husband to bear more of the load are not welcome.

So I work less, earn less, prioritise what I want and what works for me

Do you not see that is a rather privileged position to be in?

'I am absolutely not blaming the women - it's completely the man's fault - but what I just don't get is why some women say nothing and just accept it's

Cultural / societal beliefs repeated by women and not challenged by men (generally). Stuff like 'they're all the same', 'dads are useless', 'they just don't see mess / dirt' etc. Pathetically low expectations of what you can reasonably expect of men / dads as the other capable adult in a home. Women telling each other they are 'lucky' if their male partner does anything at all re home or childcare.

Yes, definitely this.

But we also have a responsibility towards ourselves not to allow it.

However, pointing this out on MN often brings cries of 'victim blaming'.

No-one can wipe their feet on a person if they refuse to lie down and it happen.

Most of the mums I know work p/t and this gets glossed over but some can be control freaks so rather than let their DHs do something they do it.

In some of the cases on here I think it is because the women want it done their way and any other way is wrong. The competitive housework etc on here is something else

YANBU but the problem is they convince themselves it’s fine when they don’t have children, both work and she does all the food shopping and most of the cleaning around the house. They tell themselves it’s not that bad, they want to do it, he can’t see the mess and they have time. Then unsurprisingly they are still doing everything 2/3 kids deep but the workload has quadrupled.
I know someone who wakes up so much before her husband so she can get ready for work, lay out all the kids clothes, pack the lunches, sort the school bags then have it all ready for her DH, she goes to work early so she can collect them and then does everything in the evening too. It blows my mind that they don’t really expect much from their DH but I guess it’s their life.

Another example is how often men leave when the woman is seriously sick, women stick around through the tough times way more then men do

Yet again probably due them thinking a woman is their to make their life easier, rather than building and sharing a life

Because their partners are sexist and possibly abusive. The woman probably isn't in a position to be able to lay down the law and point out it's not OK and he has to buck his ideas up.

I know two equal couples. The rest have men who happily allow their wives to take on the entire mental and domestic load on top of a job. I have to keep my gob shut at work when I hear a colleague brush off her partners inability to sort laundry or remember a PE kit. Boils my piss.

I do think some of it is ingrained and it depends what children grow up seeing. My mum didn’t work for years but my dad was very hands on despite the big job so my expectations are higher. DHs mum was the breadwinner and his dad ran the household more so again he is used to it.
DH does a lot more than his friends, does pretty much all the cooking, more ferrying about of the dc whereas I do washing, more reading/homework etc but I do think they don’t see mess like us or perhaps it’s a lower priority.

I asked my mum once why she had to di it all, she said that my dad would just simply say to her, if she asked for help. Which even that is ridiculous

He say well of you can't cope, you'll have to quit work.....

And she said that wasn't financially possible

I guess I should have asked her what he said, of she replied it wasn't possible
But she looked really sad, so I left it

But seems like it was expected of her

And when the children are old enough, many women are absolutely obsessed with kids doing ‘chores’ and ‘contributing’ to the household - but funny how the same standard is never applied to the husband. Always the kids having to make up for the sexist disparity in the household.

It's safer for the women in a heterosexual relationship to be a bit more of a slob than the man. I'm not as fussed by mess but know I need to do my equal share with having a kid in the house too. I also will be judged if my kid goes out of the house looking messy so there is a societal push for me to do my half. My husband is just naturally more neat and that's bloody useful as society would not be giving him the same push if it was the other way around.

I also see a pattern on Mumsnet relating to women partnered with undiagnosed neurodiverse men and then the wheels fall off when they have a kid who is then diagnosed with autism or another neurodiversity. I don't know if the bloke sees himself reflected in the kid, or if the general intensity of family life (e.g. noise) becomes too much or it's just that the woman can't compensate for him any more and she now she is focused on the kid - the men just seem to shut down from family life or leave. This isn't every story on Mumsnet but it does seem to happen a lot.

You really don’t want to elaborate further on your situation do you @GreenCandies ?!

Well I got divorced because of it but here’s the rub of that -

• I am a very high earner
• I can afford to buy my DH out of the property and pay back the increased mortgage
• my children no longer need 24/7 childcare meaning which makes it easier

i would suggest, from here and divorce groups I’m in that that’s pretty unusual and a lot of women can’t fund family life alone. Which is a pretty big blocker

also- I guess the biggest rub- some of the stress has transferred to my children by divorce. It’s life changing for them

I work full time, as do most women I know, but I don’t do any of the shopping or cooking, and the cleaning is shared. DH does it all, plus most of the life admin stuff.

Well, because they get a lot of validation for doing not a lot.

Take my ‘D’h. (Please somebody!) he works full time but very much 9-5 and he has no work responsibilities outside of those official hours.

I work part time but am almost fully responsible for our four year old at all times, all the admin related to that, most of the housework and most of the care on weekends, holidays etc. I’m the one that packs bags, remembers birthdays, makes DS all his meals, organises days out, the one that gets up in the night or early in the morning …you get the picture.

Now because H works full time and I don’t (not in a salaried way anyway) whenever he does anything concerning DS he gets praise absolutely HEAPED on him by his dad. I’m talking like actual misty eyed proud approval. Today they did park run, and FIL actually text me to say lucky me ‘enjoying a morning off’ (they were gone 90 min, and I cleaned the bathroom)

But FIL is so traditional he sees his son as not only the breadwinner but also some sort of wonder dad who does so much domestically too. When he’s here he definitely likes to be waited on and will be actually agape at DH doing something like load the dishwasher with a few plates or pour me a glass of wine. Even if I’ve cooked the meal, cleaned beforehand, put DS to bed, all the rest of it.

And it’s so easy to say oh why stand for it- I don’t, I’ve been rallying against it since DS was a baby. It’s the reason I’ve said no to another. But with the weight of such validation behind him, it’s all too easy for DH to spin the narrative that he does actually do his fair share and more- don’t forget, I ‘only’ work part time so I have so much more time on my hands. I also bring in a low amount financially. I’m horrified that that seems to have diminished my worth in my husband’s eyes, but it has, and I 100% didn’t see that coming until it was too late.

it’s absolutely infuriating and I don’t know what the answer is. We were all on a caravan holiday once and I lost my shit a bit as they were lounging about watching football and drinking beer while various women cooked, cleaned and cared for children around them. I was a pariah for the rest of the holiday- definite consensus was that I was ungrateful and didn’t realise how lucky I had it.

its very much not a simple or a black and white answer and to pretend it is is victim blaming really.

I just don’t get why she didn’t challenge him more, and say well we can’t afford for me to quit my job or that she didn’t want to

why she accepted it was all still her responsibility even though they both worked full time

but I’ve not really asked as I could tell she looked sad so didn’t push it

Taught me what I didn’t want in my adult life tho…