Why do so many women in the UK, work full-time and also do the cooking cleaning and mental load at home..?

[GreenCandies]

Why ?

Why put up with it ?

Omg
That was my mum ....she had us doing a ton of jobs in the house from a very early age ..and he sat there smirking doing sweet FA

So both failed you

What do you mean? The relationship between me and my dad or my mum and dad?

btw, I hope you’re not trying to find a way to blame women for the families they were brought up in

I have come across PLENTY of these unbalanced relationships in teaching. There was one guy who used to volunteer for every school trip going to get out of holiday childcare for his own...

Unclear to me. I work full time and refuse to do EVERYTHING. We have a cleaner, and childminder. I refuse to be default parent or the encyclopedia

I am asking why you got involved with a man who treated you like crap. You implied it was because you were 18.

I asked what your benchmark for men and relationships looked like at 18. I wouldn’t have accepted a crap man at 18, I wouldn’t have gone to have child(ren) with a crap man because I knew what a good man, partner and father looked like

My dad had done national service. It taught him to clean, sew, and carry out many other household duties. He and my mum had a fairly equal partnership - they both cooked, cleaned and cared for me and my brother. I thought all men behaved like this and was completely befuddled when subsequent boyfriends thought I would do all the housework into infinity.

But my entrenched beliefs didn't overrule their entrenched beliefs. I thought we should equally care for the house, they thought it was my job. I could not make them see how unfair this was - because they only knew what they grew up with. Their mum did it all, why could I not?

I was born in 1960 and am hoping that these beliefs are dying out now. I know my sons are equal in the home (one is a carer for his wife so he has to) and I hold out hopes that the 'women does it all' will gradully disappear.

ETA; The boyfriends whose mothers 'did it all' had SAHMs. They couldn't adjust to seeing that when women were out at work, as they were, things couldn't be the same.

Obviously I meant at 18 I wasn’t investigating fellow 18 years olds housework routines or cleaning standards, or views on equal sharing of house hold duties

my ex didn’t treat me like crap neither is he a crap man. He’s lazy though.

while that would be lovely, if you’re on a caravan holiday, it’s not because you aren’t aware of all inclusive holidays which would actually give you a break. It’s because you are holidaying within a limited budget.

I think a pp nailed it when she said that men just don’t care as much. I really do think that’s true. H loves DS but in a ‘wouldn’t want anything to happen to him’ sort of way. Whereas I love him fiercely and I care about stuff that matters to him - so I do stuff for him like looking for jobs, buying something I know he likes, asking about his evening class etc.

We weren’t completely equal before DS but it was better than after he arrived. Then H just decided that he would opt out and it’s really difficult to lay the law down - as he’ll just agree to do more stuff ‘if only I tell him what to do’ which of course defeats the object.

Now DS is 20 I absolutely could leave and it would be fine - but now H would come after my assets which are not bad after working FT for the majority of my career.

I think for my H he just fundamentally cares more about himself than he does me or DS. His father his horrendously lazy and because he’s not as bad as that then I think he thinks he’s fine. As a result I no longer do anything that benefits him. Many many convos over the years but he thinks he does 50% (well that’s what he says) so there’s nothing I can really do.

I think this is it, exactly. During maternity leave, couples settle into a dynamic which is more akin to a family with a SAHM. Then the woman goes back to work (often full-time) and is expected to keep up this “default parent” role AND work. And the Dad expects his life to continue as it did whilst his wife was on maternity - including her covering all child sickness absences, even where she is the higher earner.

I think the solution is having a clear discussion before having children about how things will work after maternity leave - ie. the long-term reality of parenting.

If both parents are going to be working full-time, I think there is a good argument for splitting maternity/parental leave so both parents get equal parenting experience.

"When I was on mat leave, I’d saved to continue to contribute to the household financially"

Was it an immaculate conception @Focusispower

I would say, from my own experience with my first husband, that it happens bit by bit. And then you have a small child in the picture, and you don’t fight the inequality because you are busy and you don’t want to ‘create a nasty atmosphere ‘ in the home. And you are tired from your job and your commute and from the dinner, bathtime, bed routines, and you don’t want to fight about the inequality, so your pour a glass of wine, take a deep breath, and just tackle whatever the evening brings. And then you are so embarrassed that you, the smart graduate, good at your job, competent and energetic on so many fronts, have been so comprehensively bamboozled by a selfish shit who cares not a jot for you, and that this is your life, that you resolve to just plough on and do it all. Until the day you absolutely cannot put up with it and you leave.

I had checked out mentally, sexually, emotionally, and i guess the next step, after 8 years of this worsening life, would have been to divorce. But THANK GOD, the lazy, selfish sot got cancer and died quite quickly, leaving me, it is true, with a mortgage, a small child and not much money because of course no life insurance or pension provision; but I was free and I hadn’t had to fight for it. (He once told me he would burn our house down rather than split it in a divorce.)

So at least some of us, OP, make terrible choices and then shame and pride stops us from acknowledging that fact. We soldier on. If this rings a bell with anyone, i wish you strength to leave.

Thats fucking appalling. Can you link it please.......Thanks

I have a friend like that as well.

They have a 7 year old and they both work full time.

She does all the cooking, cleaning, nighttime routine with her son.

He only scrolls on his phone and relaxes when he is at home.

He also has a hobby that keeps him out of the house at least 5 days a week, for at least 2 hours in the evening when he finishes work.

She asked him to support her more at home, but he refuses.

Whenever she doesn't cook, he just orders takeaway food.

He's also sometimes not very nice to her.

But she said she wouldn't leave him as she doesn't want to break up the family for her son and she has a low paying job so it would be hard running a household by herself and she couldn't offer her son a comfortable life.

@GreenCandies Women's Lib/Equality agenda. Freed women to do two full time jobs

Im child free by choice and this is one of the reasons why. i wasnt doing both And despite not wanting to do childcare a lot of men dont like this for some reason

And she’ll go on to have a second child with him at least

Because they don't want children. Or at least don't actively want them. They do the woman an enormous favour by going along with having one and not dumping her when she suggests it. But in return expect her to agree to take on all extra responsibility as it was her who wanted them in the first place. His life mustn't change. That's his unspoken opinion.

That’s why divorce is so high?!

You really married a dud, didn't you?

But hey at least you get to earn less money and do more housework because.....that's winning...to you?

...because im a single parent and have no choice 🤷

Many other PP have said similar things. I grew up in the 70s to older parents; a SAHM and a "breadwinner" dad who did very little around the house. Maybe my rejection of that very "traditional" gendered model was part of a bigger picture of trying to be my own person? I refuse to believe that we're all fated to live just how we were raised.

How many servants did she birth :0

And he’s managed to convince her that she has landed on her feet!