Wife now only wants adoption after failed shared motherhood IVF attempt as she wants to feel like the baby is also hers

[synn91]

Hi all,
I really need advice.
My wife and I (same sex couple) have recently tried to complete an IVF cycle - shared motherhood. She was donating her egg to me and I would carry the baby. Unfortunately this did not work and she had no eggs when the collection took place.
It was always offered that I would then try with our donor sperm. Since this has happened, my wife had said to me that the only way she would want a child with me is through adoption.
She said she would request a divorce if I became pregnant through IVF with our donor sperm as she wouldn't feel like the baby was hers too.
I've told her she comes first and if she wants to adopt we can do that but part of me feels really hurt and let down.
Am I wrong to feel like this? My head is a mess and I would really appreciate some impartial advice as family are kicking off about it and are telling me to go ahead with the treatment. Thanks in advance.

I think you are misunderstanding here, the OP would be happy to use her eggs but her partner has threatened to divorce her if she does and so she is trying to find a way around a difficult situation and its early days. The OPs partner is reeling and is probably not at her most rational. She needs time to assess the situation.

Thinking of you as this sounds like a really tough situation.

Firstly (I had three rounds of IVF) I would wonder if even a fortnight after egg collection your wife might still be suffering the hormonal after effects of all the IVF drugs as well as the crushing disappointment of not getting any embryos. I would try not to judge her too harshly at the moment and see if she might feel differently in a few weeks once she’s feeling a bit more normal and come to terms with the news a bit more.

Secondly, I would be reluctant to go anywhere near a clinic you feel is pressuring you ever again! If you’re considering any further treatment I’d at get a consultation or two elsewhere (preferably recommendations). Your donor sperm can always be moved if needed.

Thirdly, I don’t know the exact figures but I think that the chances of a live birth for a woman whose eggs are collected aged 43-44 is only 5% per embryo transferred, whereas for a woman of 35 it would be more like 30%, did the clinic discuss those kind of numbers with your wife before you went ahead?

It’s okay to want your biological child. And if she doesn’t want you to have a biological child and can only be comfortable with adoption it’s a very serious incompatibility.

Thank you. We were recommended to go to this clinic. We haven't got the funds to go again as it took us years to save. AMH was good, first round.

Ignore those that are being negative about your relationship. They can just fuck off! Anyone can just go and have an irresponsible ONS and get pregnant but the moment you need help to create a life or plan to adopt, every dickhead and their dog has an opinion on here! I know what its like to be desperate for a baby and I also am all too familiar with what failed IVF feels like.
What i would say though is, you both need to sit down and discuss exactly what each of you are prepared to do and not do to become parents. As much as you love your wife, do not let her stop you from becoming a mum. Resentment WILL eventually set in over the years and trust me, that will break even the strongest of marriages. If you're not on the same page now, then you really need to consider your future. PM if you want any advice regarding IVF.

my circumstances are different but the ivf/greif/egg & sperm donor I have experience with. I also looked into fostering & adoption.
any stage of loss with ivf is huge. It upends everything. Your future,hope. timeline, plans, all of it. The emotional turmoil is huge.
youre both at the early part of this. You’re looking for solutions, your wife is likely feeling like she’s let you both down, immense loss & probably a bit hurt you’re looking for another way so soon (not saying it’s wrong).
adoption agencies have a good period of time after failed ivf before you can start the process to adopt for this reason. To stop knee jerk reactions & to allow you to come to terms with things & grieve.
How do you feel about not carrying a baby & experiencing that or at least trying? Will you regret not trying again, resent her for not supporting you?
all of these conversations & feelings shoujd be really thought about & should happen but maybe just not yet. It must still feel surreal & raw

She threatened to leave you if you fell pregnant with your own eggs. She wants her own biological child but not willing to carry a baby herself (she’s had decades to do so). She’s controlling but it’s difficult to see when you’re in a relationship like that.

If you want a baby, then go the donor sperm route and raise the baby on your own.

I’m not knocking adoption at all and I have worked professionally in the field but it ain’t a field of roses . The wait for a baby or young child is considerable and your wife’s age would be held against you.( not officially you understand but so much depends on the social workers’ judgment. Plus many available infants have health and or emotional problems and not every couple has the ability to cope with these.
Whereas if you give birth to your own baby you can ensure a healthy pregnancy with just the normal risks involved.
Good luck

⬆️⬆️⬆️

This!!

I've only read your posts @synn91. I can't see how in earth you attracted so much grief from some posters, but MN threads do sometimes seem to fold in and eat themselves.

It sounds really emotionally painful what you're both going through. Trying for a family is so emotionally provoking when it isn't straight forward. A you said, time isn't on your side, and that's just added pressure, doesn't help. We can't know what's going on for your DW, only you two can work this out, and it sounds like you have to pause things to really give her a breather, even though that's hard to do right now. Sending compassion your way op!

Thanks for your message. I felt "deep fury" at being told lesbians shouldn't have children and some other horrendous homophobic comments on here which were reported and deleted.
I'm a stranger online asking for a viewpoint, advice or (constructive) criticism from other strangers online. As for emotional maturity, I'm all good there thanks.
I also have a PhD and I am a qualified medic, therefore recommended diet and lifestyle changes have been undertaken.
We haven't met, you have no idea of our ability to parent as a couple, or the situations we deal with on a personal and professional basis day to day.
Thank you for making your judgement of me super clear.
Have a nice life.

Thank you so much x

Thanks!

Read the post I responded to. OP said she had suggested using donor eggs. Instead of her own, just to placate her wife.

Thanks. As mentioned before, she isn't controlling, but appreciate your concern 👍🏻

We are you trying IVF when your wife is already 45? She is too old. Did neither of you understand this? Did the clinic not explain the likely success rates? Is there a particular reason that you need IVF yourself rather than sperm donation? If you have been together for 10 years already and wanted a child, why did you leave it so long? I don't understand the medical or thought processes here. I do think your wife is being very selfish unless there is a huge back story here.

Thank you so much 🙏🏻 x

I'm an adoptive parent and foster carer and bio parent. Honestly you won't make it through the adoption process. Uk screening is tough and really wouldn't like this reasoning or the dynamics of this relationship. They'd want you to have couples counselling and see a psychiatrist first I'd imagine.
Also a fact that is so often over looked. No adoption in the UK is closed. Nowadays especially you will be expected to / asked to keep in contact with biological family of child. It's hard work. We recently had a foster go to panel and the potential family was turned down as they wouldn't facilitate yearly meetings with the bio family. That's all the tip of the iceberg

I think in fairness, its too early to make such judgements about incompatibility. They have been together for 10 years and OPs partner has invested a great deal of time, money and emotions in her dreams with the OP and she has been dealt a vicious blow.

Yes, she is not being very rational, even controlling but she has just had her hopes/dreams dashed.

I think she is allowed some time to grieve and realign her hopes and dreams.

It won't be easy for the OP but she needs to give her partner and her self, some time to adjust and hopefully common sense will prevail.

Big Hugs OP, stay strong and give it some time.

We're both medical professionals, we understand this, thanks.
Please read previous posts.
We had to save for the treatment.
No need to understand our thoughts processes.
Thanks.

And I get that, but that is only in response to her partners gut punch response to the situation of being unable to use her own. No need to be so mean to the OP, she is struggling herself hence asking for helpful opinions and advice.

Wow, so a post I thought would provide me with some enlightenment and support has turned into a bit of a roast for me! Some comments on here have been horrendous, most have been constructive and supportive. Thank you so much. Deleting this thread now as I can't actually deal with any more negativity! Thank you to those who did help, much appreciated 🙏🏻

At risk if repeating myself, thank you for forming better words of mine, you have put my thoughts better. I am trying to be as kind as I can x

Stay strong xx

Seems really odd that your wife is happy to adopt a random child but essentially is refusing to adopt your child.

She doesn't want to see a mini you running around. Her own selfishness is stopping you enjoying that. You having a baby isn't the reason she can't biologically. You're not choosing to stop her but she is actively choosing to stop you. I'm not sure I could remain in a relationship with someone so unable to get over their own insecurities that they'd stop my only chance of having a baby.