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Wife now only wants adoption after failed shared motherhood IVF attempt as she wants to feel like the baby is also hers

297 replies

synn91 · Today 17:03

Hi all,
I really need advice.
My wife and I (same sex couple) have recently tried to complete an IVF cycle - shared motherhood. She was donating her egg to me and I would carry the baby. Unfortunately this did not work and she had no eggs when the collection took place.
It was always offered that I would then try with our donor sperm. Since this has happened, my wife had said to me that the only way she would want a child with me is through adoption.
She said she would request a divorce if I became pregnant through IVF with our donor sperm as she wouldn't feel like the baby was hers too.
I've told her she comes first and if she wants to adopt we can do that but part of me feels really hurt and let down.
Am I wrong to feel like this? My head is a mess and I would really appreciate some impartial advice as family are kicking off about it and are telling me to go ahead with the treatment. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
anniebu · Today 22:49

synn91 · Today 22:41

Unconditional love

Beautiful answer; one to many other difficult questions too.

PrettyPickle · Today 22:51

anniebu · Today 22:39

In essence, she would be happy using you as a surrogate for her child but will not allow you to have your own biological child. How do you get past such a revelation?

So the OP and her partner have worked towards having a family together for years and have had to save for the opportunity.

As with straight relationships, sometimes things do not work out as hoped. The couple are devastated. The OPs partner is reeling and is not being rational, give her time to get her head around it. What they need to do now is realign their priorities and hopes. Many relationships make it past not being able to have kids, its just early days for that final decision to be made right now. And basically you just keep talking.

And no, they may not get past it, but equally they may find a compromise that works, when it isn't as raw, if they keep talking. Its a bit early to be so negative just now.

YourLoftyCyanZebra · Today 22:51

synn91 · Today 22:43

Still here? Nice.

Much like a traumatised baby, even sub 18 months....yes that will still be here. Have you thought about who I am ?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

synn91 · Today 22:51

Hillsmakeyoustrong · Today 22:48

OP i wouldnt bother dignifying some of the posts here with an answer.

Im an adoptive mother, heterosexual couple, long term infertility (18 years to be precise) and we went for adoption over treatment. Our infertility was unexplained but I think the issue lay with me as I have an endo diagnosis. Ultimately, we felt adoption was the right decision for us and it was. It wasn't our happy ending but it was our happy beginning.

I think its normal and even healthy to have reached this crossroad. You are walking a HARD road and grieving the loss of a deeply desired outcome. Its not due to a lack of love or unity that you want to explore different options and that tension is arising as a result. Have you guys had access to infertility counselling during the treatement process? We did initially when we were considering treatment and it was the best thing we could have done. Sending strength to both of you.

Hey, bless you, thank you so much.
I'm so happy for you being able to adopt and create your family.
We have an appointment booked with our clinic counsellor.
Just trying to get through each day at the moment x

OP posts:
synn91 · Today 22:52

anniebu · Today 22:49

Beautiful answer; one to many other difficult questions too.

Just stating the truth

OP posts:
synn91 · Today 22:54

YourLoftyCyanZebra · Today 22:51

Much like a traumatised baby, even sub 18 months....yes that will still be here. Have you thought about who I am ?

Yeah, you're the keyboard warrior who's been horrendous to me all night. Go bother someone else.

OP posts:
Sandytoesies · Today 23:05

Support12 · Today 18:17

Adoption isnt "an alternative way of getting a baby".
Youre likely to have a child with at least some level of additonal needs, and potentially a high level of additional needs which arent always initially apparent.
That is great if its what you are looking for in life, parenting children with complex needs is extremely rewarding, but be sure that you are prepared for that if its the route you are deciding on.

This.

YourLoftyCyanZebra · Today 23:06

synn91 · Today 22:54

Yeah, you're the keyboard warrior who's been horrendous to me all night. Go bother someone else.

Nope, kids in care deserve more than this right now. You have now insulted me twice. You have no idea what you've said. Stop assuming

Sereine · Today 23:07

You do need to factor into your decision-making the fact that the adoption process nowadays tends to be very long drawn-out and really quite brutal in many ways, and the chances are you are not going to end up with a baby or toddler.

synn91 · Today 23:10

YourLoftyCyanZebra · Today 23:06

Nope, kids in care deserve more than this right now. You have now insulted me twice. You have no idea what you've said. Stop assuming

What am I assuming? Insulted you twice? I stopped counting how many times you've made me feel horrendous. Grow up.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · Today 23:12

synn91 · Today 17:32

To me, family is about love, not blood. I'm 35 but she's much healthier than me in regards to gynae scans etc so it might not have even worked with me anyway but the chance would have been nice. I feel like if I say I want to go ahead and try IVF for myself, she will leave and if it doesn't work, I'll be divorced with no child anyway. The whole thing is a mess 😭 everything else was perfect until now. We've been together 10 years and never had any issues.

If you don't at least try to have your child, I think you'll finish up resenting your wife.

Partingofthewaves · Today 23:16

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · Today 17:42

Shes 45 and trying to harvest eggs????

Come now...the dr who took your money should be ashamed.

Pre children I'd have said the following is bullshit but post children i can confirm.its true....😬
I would take a child over a partner any day

I vote do the sperm donor....!!!

This.

changingusernamecosofthis · Today 23:19

This experience will of course inform your decision to adopt, however when you go through the adoption application your decisions re IVF will be explored fully. You need to have these difficult conversations before this assessment as it will come up, they will intimately ask you why you have stopped ivf, why it will not be considered again and how you feel about it.

no judgement from me but these questions will come. Discuss it now

Ladyoftheapple · Today 23:20

Sounds like your wife is all to happy to have a child if it is biologically hers but not if it’s biologically yours.

DaysIllRememberAllMyLife · Today 23:25

YourLoftyCyanZebra · Today 23:06

Nope, kids in care deserve more than this right now. You have now insulted me twice. You have no idea what you've said. Stop assuming

Why do you keep commenting when the op isn't interested in what you have to say?

PancakePatty · Today 23:26

I am an ivf mum. What sort of advice & expectations were you given from the clinic?
Also why did it cost 18k?
I am so sorry you and your wife did not have a better outcome for egg collection.
Were there no eggs at all or just not mature/suitable?
Sometimes it takes a while to get the drugs they give you correct.

I would give yourselves some time to think, going forward. Your wife may change her mind or you might decide something different.
The important thing is to keep talking.

Negroany · Today 23:31

synn91 · Today 22:41

Unconditional love

It would appear that her love for you is not unconditional.

Also, you said you'd both do "anything" to have a baby. But, that's not true is it? She won't do anything because she won't do the most logical next thing.

It doesn't seem as if you are quite on the same page.

GrateWay · Today 23:36

OP, I see that you've said there are lots of adoptees in your family, so apologies if this is all blatantly obvious to you, I just wonder at how quickly adoption is being agreed to.

All of the kids who are waiting to be adopted will have experienced some degree of trauma, even in utero for very young babies, and many will have complex needs and require higher support or more intensive therapeutic parenting.

Lots of adopters want very young babies, but you often don't know what substances and trauma the baby was exposed to in the womb and things like developmental delays and certain diagnosises take time to show up.
In my area you would have to be eligible to foster to adopt if you want the youngest children/babies, in those cases social services are still working to return the child to their family of origin, so you have to accept that you might grow close to them and then experience the loss of saying goodbye.

Older kids may have gone through more if they've moved about the foster care system or been in abusive or neglectful environments for longer periods.

I don't want to be negative, but I am a foster carer, so I do have lived experience of some of the children and the systems and it is such a different commitment and different acceptance of risk vs IVF.

In your OP it just seems like a quickly reached for plan B rather than something that's been really well thought out, understandably, as everything is so raw and recent, but it I would pause and process before committing to next steps

CJP45 · Today 23:39

synn91 · Today 17:32

To me, family is about love, not blood. I'm 35 but she's much healthier than me in regards to gynae scans etc so it might not have even worked with me anyway but the chance would have been nice. I feel like if I say I want to go ahead and try IVF for myself, she will leave and if it doesn't work, I'll be divorced with no child anyway. The whole thing is a mess 😭 everything else was perfect until now. We've been together 10 years and never had any issues.

Both sides of this dilemma hold valid points. Before any decisions are made on how to move forward perhaps a few sessions with a couples counseller to help you both truly see it from each others perspective and if one of you then decides to compromise on your current stance then resentment wont creep in down the line when its too late to turn the clock back. Good luck to both of you x

Samysungy · Today 23:40

So she found out she has no eggs and is likely grieving the loss of her fertility and chance at being a biological mother and currently being pressured to make decisions during that grieving process.

That pressure is clearly making her react and feel angry so she is reacting in this way.

Give her space and time and help her process her feelings first before jumping in and saying well...sod it if you can't I will kind of attitude right when things feel their rawest and most painful for her.

Gemilo · Today 23:47

synn91 · Today 18:50

We have a lot of people in our family who were adopted. It isn't something we are "doing on a whim".

Adoption isn't as easy as it was in previous years though when people were pressured into giving up their babies because it wasn't socially acceptable to have a baby out of wedlock. Today babies or children are only taken away from their parents as a very last resort and it often involves trauma/drugs/alcohol. Adopting a child can often be a long hard road. Are you both prepared for that? You have to be doing it for the child and not for yourselves.

Nitpicking101 · Today 23:51

Ugh she has really revealed herself here. The child is definitely third in priorities

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