Wife now only wants adoption after failed shared motherhood IVF attempt as she wants to feel like the baby is also hers

[synn91]

Hi all,
I really need advice.
My wife and I (same sex couple) have recently tried to complete an IVF cycle - shared motherhood. She was donating her egg to me and I would carry the baby. Unfortunately this did not work and she had no eggs when the collection took place.
It was always offered that I would then try with our donor sperm. Since this has happened, my wife had said to me that the only way she would want a child with me is through adoption.
She said she would request a divorce if I became pregnant through IVF with our donor sperm as she wouldn't feel like the baby was hers too.
I've told her she comes first and if she wants to adopt we can do that but part of me feels really hurt and let down.
Am I wrong to feel like this? My head is a mess and I would really appreciate some impartial advice as family are kicking off about it and are telling me to go ahead with the treatment. Thanks in advance.

Sounds like she is grieving...and time usually helps but I appreciate there might not be much time left.
I also think you feeling hurt is also valid...but I don't agree with your family that says that you should just go ahead.

Not sure what to advise as the obvious would be revisit the topic in maybe 6 months and get some counselling.

No need to bring a baby into your relationship mess.

Yes, stay strong.

i hope you both get through this together. No-one should be making judgmental comments at one of the hardest times of both of your lives. You both need time to process x

Sorry you didn't get the responses you were looking for @synn91 . The infertility board might offer better advice than chat on this subject.

I hope you and your wife can get past this. Some clinics include fertility counselling in their IVF packages, it might help your wife come to terms with what has happened. The clinic should have set expectations clearly, if they didn't let her know that it was a long shot at her age then they've really done you a disservice.

Feel better for sharing that opinion? Be kind or don't say anything at all.

I’m sorry but your wife is being selfish and controlling to say she’d rather have a child with no genetic link to either of you than one with a genetic link to you. She’s supposed to love you, you’re supposed to be a team. She’s being really unfair. Threatening divorce is emotional blackmail.

How does she think fathers of sperm donor babies feel? They feel like dads, because that’s what they are. I’m sorry but your wife needs to get over herself. Maybe she will, maybe she’s just reeling at the moment from the failure if the treatment. Give it some time before you make any big decisions.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation OP, and I’m sorry that your fertility clinic has ripped you off by charging so much for treatment that was very unlikely to work. I hope things work out for you in the future.

Im a bit bemused :-). Does a PhD make you a better person or more mature? Im pretty sure not. I think a PhD or professionals does not qualify anyone to be better suited to dealing with ivf, same sex marriage and so on. Being human and mature might. I feel you may carry your PhD as a defence weapon?

That said I had ivf. Was on the roller coaster for many many years. Not being a professional, I also didn't have the money but took the hits as age was against me. But many rounds got cancelled as the meds weren't performing and as I aged each round produced less- that and the fact another hospitals poor practice decimated my egg balance. So it took a couple rounds to get eggs most times. If there were no eggs, the round was cancelled so only partial pyt was made, not the full amt. No hospital should be pushing you to decide now. They know proper protocol is to allow you to be in control and balanced. Things are not balanced now. 18k sounds way way over the top. Imo I would seek a cheaper hospital and get more rounds but know what you want and how. You have 5 good years still assuming all well internally. But your relationship with the clinic will better help you than recommendations.

Each failed attempt, I did something reactionary. Bought a new car, Caribbean holiday.. that sort of stuff. I also pilgramaged to Lourdes (twice) which the following round was successful. Not everyone's beliefs, but mine - what im saying, badly as im not a professional, is that you have to look inside you and do what makes you happy and confident it will work. Im afraid I feel a sissy fit and threat of divorce are a knee jerk reaction showing a side of someone that isn't good.. professional or otherwise.

I'm sorry for all the grief you're getting on this thread.

I'm an adoptive parent, and have some similarities in my story, in that life took a sad turn of events which meant the future I hoped for didn't happen when I was widowed in my 20s (lesbian here too).

But then a decade later in my 30s I still wanted to parent and so adopted my children.

Are you able to access some support groups or other support from infertility charity's? I know it's not always easy when your situation is different to the norm so I appreciate it may be tricky. I found bereavement groups very painful when they just weren't set up for a lesbian widowed in their 20s, but eventually I found a few others who had experienced their own grief and were great friends and support.

There is no rush, adoption is a long process and you must have finished all fertility treatment usually 6-12 months prior to starting, so it's not like you can do anything now anyway.

I adore parenting my children, its been more than I could ever have hoped for. But adoptive parenting is often a hard journey; parenting children who have experienced very significant trauma, plus all the other considerations of birth family contact, pre-natal exposure to drugs, alcohol or toxic stress, identity issues, very very high rates of SEND etc. is very different to birthing a child with donor sperm. I know you spoke before about having some adopted people in your life, but some of the other things you've shared indicates you still have a lot to learn in this area before making a decision. (You talked about raising a "stranger's baby" or something to that effect which honestly is pretty hurtful).

I'd focus on giving yourself some time to grieve and support each other, and possibly some counselling (I say this as I wish I'd prioritised it more!) and researching your options xx

"Threatening divorce is emotional blackmail". No. Stating to your spouse that you will divorce them if they introduce a child into the marriage without your consent is neither "emotional blackmail" nor "a threat" : it is a clear statement of intent and one that is very reasonable.

Not using my qualifications as a defence weapon, purely stated it as I was being informed of how to manage my diet and lifestyle to achieve the best health for my eggs the the middle of quite a rude and aggressive post.

Ah @synn91. I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out how you’d hoped.

You’re both hurting, grieving and reactionary right now. As has been said before, you can’t usually start the adoption process until 6-12 months post ending fertility treatment, so honestly I’d spend the next few months having some counselling, separately and together, and see where things end up.

Oh come on, that is just very judgemental about something you know nothing about. They have a good relationship she clearly states. They have invested their hopes, dreams and money into having a child with the Partners eggs and their dreams have been dashed. That is a hard blow for anyone.

I admit her partner is not dealing with this well but hell, its one major blow to be told you can't have a biological child that you have been saving for years to attempt to have. She is allowed to go off the rails for a bit and hopefully in time she will be more rational.

It never ceases to amaze me the vastly different conclusions people reach based on the same information. The OP needs support and constructive criticism if you must!

I agree with counselling when the dust has settled a bit to figure out what you both want.
If you do settle on adoption, don't let other posters put you off. Obviously if you called tommorrow you wouldn't be approved with the place you're in now in your marriage, but if you come to the decision that it's what you both want (with no ultimatums or resentment) it could be the way for you to have a family.
Children in care do have their own backstories and often traumas, and it would be a different parenting journey to a bio child but agencies often run information sessions for people considering. Social workers know that people often come from infertility to adoption and need a lot of education.

If your wife would feel more secure adopting your bio baby after they're born and being put on the birth certificate, there are processes for that as well which you could look into together. Giving her equal rights if that's what she's concerned about.

Basically I would go to counselling and gather information before making any decisions.
Just wish you could get your savings back from the clinic who probably knew that ivf wouldn't work.

Good suggestions!

Hi. I adopted after not being able to conceive.

I do understand the issue of adopted children being equally unrelated to both adoptive parents. It is something some people feel strongly about. I felt that way too tbh. I didn't want to bring up my husband's child, which would be unrelated to me (donor egg scenario).

I feel that people often see eggs, sperm, gestational carriers as ingredients which can be obtained or discarded according to what is needed. But imo it matters profoundly. And I believe that even more, having adopted.

It is a catastrophe for my daughters that they lost their dna connections. In their case it was absolutely necessary, the lesser of two evils as it were. But it is still a massive loss for them.

So adoption isn't straight forward either. Having zero connections with a child does make both parents equal, but it brings a lot of other issues with it too. And then there are the challenges of parenting children with early trauma.

Adoption is really more about giving a traumatised child a home rather than being Plan B in terms of creating a family. You have to be prepared for it being incredibly difficult. See if you can find the Radio 5 Nicki Campbell post on Facebook from last week, where he asked for adoption stories, and over 600 people responded to him, sadly mostly with very sad stories of challenging children and limited support

I think your partner needs to balance up her feelings of wanting you both to be equal with the realities that adoption will bring.

Do you have connections in the LGBT+ adoption world? If not worth looking into xx

In essence, she would be happy using you as a surrogate for her child but will not allow you to have your own biological child. How do you get past such a revelation?

Unconditional love

You have completely dismissed PPs experience, stop shitting on other women. You dont want to hear it because you're hurting but please stop the anger at people that are sharing a vulnerable moment. You dont know who you're talking to.

Still here? Nice.

IVF clinics offer a counselling service- id be taking them up on this!

same sex shared motherhood mum here- my DMs are open if you want to chat x

Thanks so much. We have arranged an appointment with them x

Hi @synn91 I was in a same sex relationship with my (now ex) wife, we both did straight insemination as did another few gay couples we know.
She went first, 16 years ago it was very isolating and difficult for me but I did read The Other Mother which was specifically about women in that situation. My wife read it too and it was helpful for her when I was pregnant.
Honestly I feel the exact same about my kids, it makes no difference to me but I do know that everyone is different and when I was struggling to conceive I did find it hard, knowing that the sperm donor wasn’t the issue.

Feel free to DM me

I find her attitude that she wouldn’t love your child and only wants to adopt an unrelated baby a huge red flag. A massive red flag. The biggest red flag.

Thank you x

OP i wouldnt bother dignifying some of the posts here with an answer.

Im an adoptive mother, heterosexual couple, long term infertility (18 years to be precise) and we went for adoption over treatment. Our infertility was unexplained but I think the issue lay with me as I have an endo diagnosis. Ultimately, we felt adoption was the right decision for us and it was. It wasn't our happy ending but it was our happy beginning.

I think its normal and even healthy to have reached this crossroad. You are walking a HARD road and grieving the loss of a deeply desired outcome. Its not due to a lack of love or unity that you want to explore different options and that tension is arising as a result. Have you guys had access to infertility counselling during the treatement process? We did initially when we were considering treatment and it was the best thing we could have done. Sending strength to both of you.