Partners daughter wake up time

[Missthe1975]

Just wondering if this is normal? I’ve lived with my partner for just over 3 months but we’ve been together 3 years. He has an 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship. He shares contact with his ex and has his daughter approx 35% of the time. Since we moved in together and she has stayed over I’ve noticed she wakes at around 6am and takes herself downstairs to watch TV and he gets up with her about 9am on weekends and in the school holidays. When she gets up she is generally quiet but there are some mornings when she sings around the house and it wakes me up or my daughter (15). I feel like leaving her alone for 3 hours is a long time and I’ve communicated this to him. He said he would change and start getting up with her but I’ve noticed this week she’s now back with us and it’s been 9am every morning since Monday that he’s got up with her. I always got up when my daughter was this age. Is this simply differing parenting styles?

But if she was staying in bed later (like the OP wants) he still wouldn't be spending time with her because everyone will be asleep 🤷

I still don't think it's outrageous to get up at 6am, what does he think her mum does all the time

I'm having a very hard time understanding what the problem is here. She's 8, she gets up early and watches TV. Parents lie in because they are tired.

If she wakes at six and you’re awake, can you prod him to get up then?

Well, the dad is missing out on 3 hours a day with his DD who he only has 35% of the time and he has very recently moved in with OP and her teen DD so the 8 year old is in a new home with new people. I think it would be fine if he got up at 7 or something, but to leave her for 3 hours is a bit much under these circumstances.

So he hasnt had her for a "big block of 2 weeks" until you moved in together. Nah he's not anxious he wants you to step up and do all the parenting so he doesn't have to change his life at all. I can see why they split up.

How did he parent his child before he moved in with you 3 months ago? This is his child. His responsibility and the pathetic response should have you running for the hills.

Parenting includes being in the home together but not interacting. There really is nothing wrong and everything right with the level of trust and confidence between this little girl and her father.

This situation in absolutely not based on confidence and trust between a dad and daughter. It's based on a dad who is too anxious to look after his own child so he's avoiding it and hoping OP will take over. It's also based on a little girl who has been thrown into a new family constellation and she is probably not anywhere near settled.

We have no idea as to whether or not she is settled but there is no reason to assume she isn't perfectly happy given how relaxed she seems about getting herself up and watching TV while parents sleep in.

And yet you’ve landed yourself with a man with a young child…? 🤷‍♀️ Why?

Personally I think it all sounds like a bit of a nightmare. I’d ask him to leave and concentrate on just you and your dd.

This must be cock-lodging bingo.

What a hideous, lazy, man. No wonder his ex kicked him to the kerb. Shocked that he’s a teacher with such poor emotional skills and intelligence.

He’s groomed you big time. He’s been off work for at least 3 long weeks now and can’t get up to care for his child or take her to the park? Is he a drinker?

I call cocklodger also.
He moved in with the mother of his child and now he's moved in with you. The red flags are flying high.

Exactly. Cue the waterworks and MH manipulation. How on earth has a teacher with 13 weeks holiday a year never spent extended time with his own child in 8 years. I smell a rat.

Wow, initially I thought @mojojojoo’s first post was a bit harsh but blow me if it wasn’t spot on. It stretches credulity that a primary teacher is anxious about caring for 1 8yo. Bluntly, I don’t believe him. And even if I did it helps nothing to avoid it. By all means ask her to remain in bed for a bit longer (or ask her dad to ask her even better). But the problem here is that he is abdicating his parental role by stealth. It has only been a few months he is with you so irrespective of what you choose to do later on, right now I would be laying some ground rules and expectations. Right now I would do zero parenting of her. Ideally don’t get up, but if you do and she looks bored, asks you a question, asks for breakfast, anything, tell her to go wake up her dad. Try not to be in her presence without him there. No trips to the park. It sounds harsh but you need to set expectations correctly that you are NOT childcare. No need to be mean to the girl but make it crystal clear to her and to dad that he is her carer.
Then, if he doesn’t step up, I’d approach it that it is up to him how he raises his child but you think leaving her alone for 3 hrs or more is out of order and you don’t want to be around it as you feel obliged to step in for her sake. You don’t want to raise another child, having nearly finished the job yourself, so if he can’t parent her to a minimum standard you would be comfortable with, it might be best he moves back out until she is much older so you don’t feel conflicted.
You might want to add that you find a man unwilling to parent his own child deeply unattractive - I would.

I would say that her noise making isn’t her being content and relaxed, she is trying to wake someone up. She’s communicating in her own way, but the dad is too lazy to parent her. In the 10 days a month he has her he’s losing 30 hours of bonding time. If he got up and spent some one-on-time with her he wouldn’t be so anxious about having her in his home.

Move yourself and your daughter out is the only answer to this!!! It’s not going to get any better and a man claiming his ex was volatile is a massive red flag! You have found yourself an abusive narcissist

He’s a teacher but anxious about parenting his young daughter? Fuck me.
Kick him out. Continue the relationship if you want but regardless of his child waking early, he sounds like an absolute wet wipe.

It’s OP’s house, he moved in.

He’s taking the piss, I couldn’t respect him I’m afraid.

He does have a history of anxiety and depression but I feel like this is no excuse when it comes to being a dad to his daughter - he has a responsibility to her! It’s making me quite angry/sad that I’m even having to have this out with him

Just get rid of him. He's useless

If it weren’t for the job and the child’s age, you could be talking about me and my ex. The reason I can’t stand him and we barely communicate is because he’s a manipulative manchild who’s simply not a fully functioning adult and always has a sob story (that doesn’t quite add up) about what’s preventing him from doing so.

He’s also now parasiting off his new girlfriend just like yours is doing. I strongly urge you to take some time alone - several hours, go out to a cafe or park if you need to - and have a serious think about whether your partner has a pattern of behaviours where he blames others for the outcomes in his life, plays the sympathy card so you ask or expect less of him. Take time to think about what it would look like if he were a fully independent adult: an owned home that he pays for and runs well himself, 50/50 engaged care of his child, etc, and ask yourself honestly why that gap might exist if you were to set aside whatever story he has told you.

Op why bother having it out with him? This is him at his best as you have only been living together a few months. If you tell him and he behaves for a few months he’s only doing it as you told him to. Do you really want that for a partner? A man who parents when you tell him off? And then says he’s anxious about a child he feels is okay to be left alone for 3 hours each day? No wonder his ex isn’t impressed with him - I’d love to hear her side.

If you own your own house I’d take advice on how to ensure it’s protected from him. These types often become capable and very informed about their rights (tho funnily the aren’t too keen on responsibility) when they get dumped.

Kick him out of bed at 8am?

Apparently he’s saying I’m trying to control him