Partners daughter wake up time

[Missthe1975]

Just wondering if this is normal? I’ve lived with my partner for just over 3 months but we’ve been together 3 years. He has an 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship. He shares contact with his ex and has his daughter approx 35% of the time. Since we moved in together and she has stayed over I’ve noticed she wakes at around 6am and takes herself downstairs to watch TV and he gets up with her about 9am on weekends and in the school holidays. When she gets up she is generally quiet but there are some mornings when she sings around the house and it wakes me up or my daughter (15). I feel like leaving her alone for 3 hours is a long time and I’ve communicated this to him. He said he would change and start getting up with her but I’ve noticed this week she’s now back with us and it’s been 9am every morning since Monday that he’s got up with her. I always got up when my daughter was this age. Is this simply differing parenting styles?

Tell him exactly that.

I don't think it's unreasonable at age 8 for her to entertain herself for 1-1.5 hours but 3 is too long. And certainly not your job to do heavy lifting whilst he stays asleep. Just have a clear and firm conversation with him ASAP.

I must be a lazy parent too then as my daughter got up and entertained herself for a couple of hours at that age. Shes not a baby

Three separate issues:

First - tell her to stay in her room until 7.30. Make sure she has some books in there to read if she wakes up early. If there is nothing to do but read, she may fall back asleep. She can get a drink of water from the bathroom (or have a glass in her room overnight) but she is to stay in her room quietly.
Agree with him what time he should be up: I would suggest 8.00 at the latest - and then make sure he does what he agreed. Prod him, poke him, take the duvet cover off, then if he gets angry lose your temper back at him.

Second - are you prepared to be a step mother to this girl? Even if she is only at your house some of the time, you are effectively in that role. That would still be the case if he was a 100% brilliant hands-on parent. If you don't want that role, the whole thing is a disaster waiting to happen.

Thirdly, as @Aabbcc1235 said, you and he are not on the same page. He expects you to be 'the woman' and do the 'mothering + housework' role, whereas you expect parallel parenting and equality. You need to discuss expectations.

I’ve talked to him and he broke down admitting he’s very anxious about having her for two whole weeks (it’s rare he ever has her for this amount of time in one big block) he’s struggling to sleep and is apparently waking up every hour. I told him he needs to sort himself out because it shouldn’t keep landing on me. We’ve just played a few board games together. He said he will get up early with her tomorrow.

Yes. He will tomorrow. It won't last. What will you do then?

Keep talking to him about it I suppose

Why is he so anxious about having his own child in the house? That's really strange as she doesn't even sound like she is difficult or a nuisance.

And if it continues not to change? What will you do then? I'm not being deliberately difficult. I'm concerned for you and for the child

Me too. The only two people negatively impacted by his actions are OP and his child. As a parent you don't get to be too anxious to look after your child. If that's the case then child shouldn't come and stay. OP clearly has a lot of empathy but there is a real risk that he will just lump all parenting over to her, actually sounds like he has already started.

I agree @RoachFish. I get the feeling that he's a cock lodger with a myriad of excuses, whines and weaponised inadequacies.

Anxious? Why? Hasn’t he always had her 35% of the time or is this a new thing since you got together? Why hasn’t he had her for two weeks before? She’s his daughter why’s he anxious? If she was a tropical pet or puppy he was looking after for a friend I’d understand the anxiety. But she’s an 8 year old that he believes is responsible enough to be unsupervised for 3 hours each morning.

I think your senses are tingling for a reason. Why did he split with his ex?

I would watch this man closely op. Did he own his own house? Rent? The word cocklodger springs to mind but maybe I am being mean.

@Missthe1975 he's a teacher!! and "he’s very anxious about having her for two whole weeks", his own daughter?

Did you believe him?

Who's house do you live in?

Sounds like he's waiting for you to crack and take over parenting his daughter.

What is he so stressed about ffs? He's a father, tell him to pull his finger out and get on with it.

Very fishy…a TEACHER who is anxious about being in charge of his own child? Presumably he’s in charge of 30 children most days? 🤔

Serious chat time.

His DD should not be not part of your mental load. He does not get to outsource parenting her to you by stealth.

He has her 35% of the time so he can man up and be her parent and have a lie in the other 65% of the time or fuck off.

Jeez, this shits me no end. Lazy, entitled man.

My kids (7 and 8) understand that they shouldn't go downstairs until 7am - they can read, listen to audio books or play quietly in their rooms until this time. At 7 they go downstairs and put the TV on. They are also quite capable of sorting their own breakfast, sometimes they do and sometimes they wait until I get up 8-8:30 and do it for them. This system works well for us (and obvs not on school mornings!). At that age I don't think a parent needs to get up and supervise them, but I do agree that 6am is too early to be making noise and waking others.

Oh dear - got you exactly where he wants you isn’t he? ‘A few tears, show a bit of emotion, she’ll do exactly what you want’ - cocklodger playbook chapter 1
verse 1.

Yes he teaches 5 and 6 year olds all day. His ex and him don’t co-parent well at all. Was a very volatile relationship and he moved in with her and they were together ten years. She can’t stand him now and they hardly communicate. Drop offs and pick ups can be strained. He moved in with me by the way. He was renting before

@Missthe1975 other than her singing (so waking you up) is it actually a problem that's she's up at 6am?
Is she sensible enough to know not to use the cooker/kettle by herself or open the front door if someone knocks?
Really if she's downstairs playing, reading or watching tv (at a low volume) what is the issue?

As long as she’s quiet, I don’t think there is anything wrong with her getting up at 6am. Sometimes my 8 year old does. I definitely wouldn’t be getting up with him. He’s old enough to watch tv quietly and get himself some breakfast. I would expect your partner to ask her to be quiet though and sort out anything she might need. It shouldn’t be your job. But the issues seem bigger than just him and early morning parenting though.

@Needmorelego it's not the child at issue though, is it?

Her Dad 🙄 won't get his arse in gear, within his whole 35%, at a reasonable hour, to spend time with her.

I also has two kids close in age and was fine with them being up on thier own for a while at that age. I wouldn't have routinely left them to it for 3 hours though, and I also think it's different when it's just one child up on her own, she only sees her dad 35% of the time, her parents have a volatile relationship, her dad has recently moved in with a new woman and her teen. I think this guy isn't taking any responsibility for his childs well-being here. He is pretty much just leaving her to it and hoping that someone else will pick up his slack.

He’s a shit dad. Don’t have kids with him. I’d be utterly put off him as a person if I experienced his ‘parenting’.

If I were the parent I'd say it's reasonable to expect an 8 year old to stay in bed/quiet in room til maybe 7ish, and he could get up 8ish.

However you are not the parent, and like PPs I would be very cautious that he is training you up to become default parent to her while she is with you. I thought @Aabbcc1235's post on p2 was perceptive. It already sounds like you getting a bit that way.

If you believe the anxiety you could support (if you want) by suggesting strategies for him getting through the days, like making a structured plan with reasons to leave the house every day. But he's a bloody primary school teacher, this is so basic it stretches credulity that he hasn't already done this if he is struggling unless his only plan is to get you to do it.