Me and my partner have minor/ moderate learning disabilities. Should we have children?

[Benny91]

As I feel it wouldn’t be right to have any?

Do you know anyone with a learning disability that has children? As I find it quite rare with our disabilities to have children!

We are both 33

Are your disabilities genetic?

Do you actually want children?

Well, you answered your own question.

No one can say without more details. Learning disabilities mean your learning needs are severe.

Do you live independently, are you in supported accommodation or still living with family?
Can you anticipate your own needs? When to buy food, paying for things, keeping a home clean, knowing when you are ill and need medical help?
Can you then extend that to someone else?
Can you tolerate the uncertainty that comes with children - they don’t fit into routines, they make a lot of noise and mess?

Having kids is very hard, having any disability makes it harder, having a learning disability makes it even harder again! Any decision needs to be based around the child and can you support him/her.

I have autism and my DH has ADHD. We have both had some severe episodes in our lives, including anxiety and depression.

We chose not to have children.

Probably a non pc controversial pov. Are you capable of looking after children without help to both physically and mentally bring your children up, will you have willing family support (because I really wouldn't bank on state funded help) and can you afford them.

If the answers are no there you have it.

Asssuming this isn’t a reverse, you show great insight in asking the question which is positive. I’m not sure this isn’t a sibling or someone writing this on behalf of someone to somehow get evidence to put them off….

having children is very hard even in the best of circumstances.

chances are children will inherit challenged and may have behaviour issues that are manageable but it’s bloody hard.

i could write loads but since I think it’s not a proper post I wont.

my answer is a hard no. Don’t do it.

Not really enough information to say.
Do you both work? How independent are you? How much support from family would you receive?
As pp above, I don’t think you can rely on the state for any kind of support be that financial or other, in the future. Maybe get a dog instead( obviously they still need care and commitment but they’ll be far easier in the long run.

I have voted no just because I don't really see why anyone would vote yes based on what you've written. You instinctively feel that it wouldn't be right so I assume that you are right. It would undoubtedly be very hard, especially with the potential genetic element.

To be honest, I don't think anyone should have children unless they are in a great position to raise them. It's really difficult otherwise and I think it can quickly become pretty awful for both the parent and the innocent children.

Agree that it totally depends on the disability.

• Will it affect your ability to care for the child? Eg: might you forget to feed them, struggle with organizing school schedules etc?
• Is the disability genetic and if it were inherited would that be a problem for you?

By way of context autism* runs in my family and out of 16 cousins, 14 have decided to remain child-free. The 2 who had them have passed on the autism and feel guilty about it.

(*Before the autism rights brigade leap on, the presentation in my family is particularly tough, going hand in hand with all sorts of lifelong functional problems and huge mental health burdens)

Personally I think that with learning disabilities, your lives may be easier if you only have yourselves, and perhaps pets, to look after?
If your issues are genetic, life will be immeasurably harder for you if your children are also born with similar or related/worse disabilities.
If your kids don’t have disavilities, they did not ask to be born and why should their lives be affected by presumably being poor and having to look after you both?

Think your assumption on poverty is a bit off. They might both be only children in line to inherit whacking piles from their parents. They might be autistic savants with a penchant for blackjack.

I have two children with autism and adhd. Neither my DH or me have either condition. My youngest is profoundly autistic and has learning disabilities. Had I known my middle child had autism (child 2 and 3 are close in age), I wouldn’t have had another child. There’s no diagnosed people in the family with either. We’d always said we wanted four kids and stopped after the third as we felt it would be unfair if the 4th child also had a disability.

Raising children is great but can be very tough. Especially if they have a disability.

For me personally, if I knew I had a disability that I could pass on, I probably wouldn’t have children because you never know how that disability might affect them. My eldest (who has no disability) is also considering children and is mindful that she might end up with a child with autism which is making her think about her future.

It's certainly possible. It depends on the severity of your disability... we'd need more information

So basically people with mild learning disabilities shouldn’t have kids then… That’s made me depressed then.. As i want kids, as it the norm! It’s getting a bit ableist on here too!

Yes, if you want them and have support

This website can be very ableist, so maybe not the best place to ask, op.

So why ask? Do what you want.

There’s quite a difference with minor and moderate learning difficulties OP. If you both have ‘moderate’LD’s then I’d say No you shouldn’t choose to have children.

Are your disabilities genetic? Are you able to live fully independently? Can you afford your lifestyle without dependence on state support? Do you have resources and capacity to be able to look after someone else, coping when they're stressed and you are (not sleeping etc). If you can't live independently and don't have capacity, would there be state intervention to remove your child if you had one?

You said in your OP that you didn't feel it right to have any and also that LD was moderate so posters have answered with this in mind

Can you clarify “mild learning disabilities” please? Is it various aspects of neurodivergence?

Hello, I do know a learning disabled and neurodivergent relative who is a parent. Their partner isn't learning disabled. This relative has always wanted a family and for most of their life they thought this wouldn't happen for them because of "the way they are" (not my words). They are a very caring and involved parent, very proud of their children and engaged with their interests, schooling and looking after them.

Obviously this is a different situation to yours but these are well loved children in a big wider family and they're well supported. Also, as others have mentioned, learning disabilities vary a lot so please don't take all of the responses here to heart, you could well be living a very full and independent life already.

What sort of daily support do you have at the moment?

I don't think you're going to get the best advice and support on mumsnet.

Do you go to any support groups local to you? I'm thinking of some of the organisations near me who I've worked with or have supported people I know. I'm in Wales so they might be different where you are but Mencap has local groups around the UK, Learning Disability Wales are great, Mind can help too.

Here is some Easy Read information about how parents with learning difficulties or learning disabilities can be better supported: Easy Read - Parents_web.pdf

There's more information on the whole National Children's Bureau website here: Resources for parents with learning disabilities and learning difficulties

There are some very worrying comments in some of the other posts. Learning Disabled people have the same Human Rights as everyone else in the UK, they have the right to marry and the right to start a family.

I think it's great that you've thought about it and know you need to find out more before you make the decision.

Caring for babies, toddlers, school children, and teenagers can be hard for all of us. Becoming a parent is a lifelong commitment to supporting that baby who will grow and become an adult.

There is support and advice out there.

Why make your life harder ?

Op you haven’t answered any questions about the nature of learning difficulties or given us any information. I would assume we’re all mums (or dads) answering this and we know how hard it can be to have children without any learning difficulty. FWIW I am neurotypical with kids with autism/ adhd and one might never leave home. It’s an incredibly difficult life and I love my kids with all my heart. I don’t know how I would manage if I had a learning difficulty - although there are different types of learning difficulties so I can’t say for sure.