Me and my partner have minor/ moderate learning disabilities. Should we have children?

[Benny91]

As I feel it wouldn’t be right to have any?

Do you know anyone with a learning disability that has children? As I find it quite rare with our disabilities to have children!

We are both 33

You haven't given any details about your circumstances. Finances, support, nothing..How can anyone say?
I can tell you that as a completely healthy, very financially secure couple we have found raising our now adult kids very hard. Because of the way the world is right now: economy, AI, climate change.

I also have a DD who has a chronic disease. I have advised her not to have kids. Probably ableist but I don't think she will cope as she can just about hold down a job.

Why does anyone have kids when it always makes their life harder?

Anyone who wants children needs to consider whether they can meet their kids needs - whether that be a living space, financial needs, emotional needs, practical needs across their childhood. It’s not ableist to say you need to be able to meet a child’s needs.

No one here knows the extent of you disabilities, you do know whether you’re currently able to run a home and manage daily life, and how a child might fit into that.

I don't think anyone has said no to having children.

We've tried to answer your question honestly - asking some pretty fundamental questions to prompt you to ask yourself whether your disability would impact your ability to parent, and if your condition could be passed on and if that would be a problem for you.

There's no problem with people with disabilities having children. But some people may think through carefully passing on certain conditions. A mild learning disability in and of itself should be no barrier at all but the way disabilities present can be a huge spectrum. So conditions where a person may struggle with executive function for example, or their patience and temper, might impact their ability to parent effectively.

Certainly most members of my family have opted not to have children for these reasons, even though many are 'high functioning' (ie: have jobs and houses etc).

Because the genetic impulse is strong for many.
Because social pressure.
Because they think they'll enjoy it even if it's hard.
Because patriarchy.
Pressure from families and spouses.

Loads of reasons.

Put it another way - having children does NOT make your life easier.

@Benny91 Can you support a child? Do you and your partner work?

As a side note, accusations of ableism aside, I think we should normalize more people taking a step back and asking the question 'will I be a good parent' before going ahead and getting up the spout. Truly. Whether this is for reasons of lifestyle (can I afford a kid) or disability (can I care for a kid) or temperament (will I enjoy having a kid) - we should normalize everyone asking this of themselves.

So many abused kids could be avoided through someone taking a sensible step of 'I don't think I'd be good at that job'.

I think that it comes down to whether or not you can consistently meet the needs of a dependent child. Having children is rewarding but it can be very relentless.

It’s not a right to have a child, it’s a responsibility. The planet is also over crowded as it is.

if you can take responsibility for raising emotionally healthy well rounded people into adulthood and provide for them financially, emotionally, socially and educationally then a max of 2 per couple. If you can’t. Then don’t. This applies to everyone. Your disabilities may make it more difficult to meet that threshold.

clearly this is just my opinion. Many many people do not meet this threshold and have children. It causes problems IMO to the children, society and the planet.

It’s not the norm any more, lots of people aren’t having kids. Sometimes it’s because they don’t want them. Sometimes it’s because they can’t afford kids or don’t feel they’d be able to give them a good life.

It isn’t clear how much your learning difficulties affect you. Do you and your partner have jobs? Do you live independently or do you need support with day to day tasks? Can you afford a child - especially, could you still cover your bills if you were paying for childcare, or working less to look after the child? Would you be able to manage all the extra tasks and lack of sleep and extra stress that having a child brings?

It’s not ableist to say someone shouldn’t have kids if they can’t look after them. That’s just being fair to the child. It’s ableist to assume that a person with disabilities can’t look after a child. We really don’t know from what you’ve said whether you can or can’t.

What kind of learning disability is it?

Mild LD is an IQ of 70-75.

Dependant on how you are affected cognitively there’s no reason why you couldn’t manage everyday life enough to raise children.

The risk of genetics would depend on if the LD has a genetic cause.

I know many families with mild LD who have had children. Some have been born with severe LD. Some with low IQ and some cognitively fine.

Theres always a risk with childbirth if having a child who has a disability or has a genetic fault. Sometimes the risk is higher.

My DS has a genetic condition (neuro muscular) that turns out I’m the carrier of but I have incomplete penetrance so no symptoms so I didn’t know.

Only you can know if you feel able to raise a child(ren) and if you are happy to proceed knowing the risks that any children have LD. And only you know that if they do have LD if you are able to meet their needs.

Indeed. Exactly why I have advised my DD not to have a kid. She has taken that in the right spirit.

As I feel it wouldn’t be right to have any?

Why do you feel this OP?

It's hard to advise without knowing more about how you and your dp are effected by your LD. I think you are incredibly wise to be asking the question!

You didn't give enough information about how your disabilities affect your life, how much support you need, what your financial situation is like etc.

It's the same for anyone really, do you think you'd be a good parent and give your children a decent and happy upbringing? Can you afford it financially? Would your relationship cope with the addition of kids? If the answer is yes then go ahead.

You said in your own post that you didn’t feel it was right to have kids!

You’ve both got jobs though. Why not have children if you want them. What exactly are these minor learning disabilities?

Does she say they both have jobs? I think not.

Lots of things to think about.

Is there a genetic factor to consider?

Would you both have capacity to parent raise a child in a nurturing and supportive environment?

Would you want to be a child of 2 parents with learning disabilities? Is it fair to them?

Maybe the bottom line is weather you are able to give your unborn child/ children the love and support they deserve over the next 20 odd years.

If you want any kind of meaningful advice, I think you need to talk this over with a medical professional. Without knowing what disabilities you have, what support you need, what help is available and the genetics question nobody can advise you.

No one has said that have they?

I think everyone should think very carefully about having children whether they have any disabilities or not.

Massively depends. Are you able to live independently? Can you work? Are your needs going to interfere with giving love and support?

I could easily say that this describes many couples I know: Dyslexia, ASC etc. However we are all fully functioning, well paid adults. Yes I have children.

This is the same OP who started with Me and my partner have minor/ moderate learning disabilities. Should we have children? As I feel it wouldn’t be right to have any?

OP, are you Arthur or Martha?