Me and my partner have minor/ moderate learning disabilities. Should we have children?

[Benny91]

As I feel it wouldn’t be right to have any?

Do you know anyone with a learning disability that has children? As I find it quite rare with our disabilities to have children!

We are both 33

I think it very much depends on how the learning disabilities actually impact your ability to raise and care for your child and what support you have available to you.

from your posts it appears you are able to hold jibes that pay above minimum wage which suggests skilled workers, you’ve navigated getting a mortgage which suggests financial literacy and ability to budget.

If you are both capable of putting healthy food on the table, a roof above your kids heads, navigating the various systems you’ll need to be aware and involved in - getting them access to healthcare, schooling etc, seeing to their emotional as well as physical needs…. Then I can’t see why you wouldn’t be able to be brilliant parents. The fact that you’re even considering it makes you 10 x better than lots of people who seem to just think everyone is entitled to be a parent whether they can adequately raise them or not.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5428950-what-age-is-too-late-to-have-a-child-for-a-women-also-if-both-probable-parents-have-a-learning-disability-is-it-ok-too-to-have-children?reply=147910278

have a look at the replies to your post from 2025

I completely agree with this response.
From what you’ve said, OP, I’d say that you and your girlfriend are in a much better position than many other potential parents.

DH cousin has some LD as does the father of her children
One of the children also has LD and the other one is completely off the rails
The Grandmother has done most of the parenting and has had a very shitty retirement because of it
I am sure it can work but in the case of DH family it really hasn't

@Flowerheads they have a joint income of £65 000 and own a house (well I assume mortgage).
How on earth can that be "not in a financial position" to have a child?
That's more than many families have.

Mild learning DIFFICULTIES means in UK SEND law that you will have problems in academic work in school, but you will be able to live as an adult independently and get a job etc. this is generally people who have an IQ of between 70 and 80-85 depending on the test used.

A mild learning DISABILITY, which is usually a medical adjacent diagnosis, equates to moderate learning DIFFICULTIES. This means an IQ in the lowest 2 percent, which is between 50-70. People operating at this level may need some ongoing support for life, such as help with budgeting, advocacy, literacy and so on.

If you have a mild learning disability that would suggest you have conceptual and linguistic understanding in the lowest percentages of the population.

A moderate learning disability is equivalent to severe learning difficulties, and will be likely to include specialist schooling and ongoing care and support needs for life.

I think from your writing style that it is very unlikely that you have a global IQ in the mild learning disability range. Maybe mild learning difficulties range? These are not the same. Or maybe a specific learning difficulty, such as memory issues?

If you are on tik tok there's an interesting series of videos with a woman who was brought up with a mother with learning disabilities, with lots of comments from others in similar circumstances. The common theme is children confused at first why their parents lacked the same skills they had, and then had to learn to parent their own parents and the pain and hardship that caused. I'd be concerned about your wife struggling more and what she'd do if you weren't there to help

Had I understood just how widespread ADHD & depression were in one branch of my family tree, bearing in mind one branch of DH’s family had similar instances of another condition…. I think there would have been some trepidation at rolling the dice. Certainly the rest of my family didn’t feel the risk was worth the roll and chose child-free.

But DH & I were broody & not particularly focused on the kind of lottery hereditary conditions can be.

DS has ADHD, but a “softer” version than my own. More similar to my sister’s. And some of my tendencies towards depression, although not as profound as my own. He’s old enough now that the potential of issues arriving in the teens/early 20s from DH’s family tree is less likely.

He is amazing. Very emotionally mature, self-aware, unselfish, vastly more understanding of the complexities of the human condition than I was at his age. An autodidact. Does not wallow in problems (did not get that from me !) but instead looks for trade offs that he can live with (no idea which branch of the family contributed that absolute gem of a trait.)

He’s not going to be a name in the history book of the future. Like 99.9% of humanity. But the world is a much better place for him being in it. And he is definitely an upgrade on me.

He is slightly concerned he might one day have a child that takes after me. But I told him I’ll help out with managing the Big H in my version ADHD should it pop up in the mix 😬

I’m relieved he didn’t get the Massive Brainiac genes that lurk in my pool. It sounds like an advantage, but my sister is so intelligent she must sometimes feel like she’s having a dinner party with chimps. In contrast my not exactly spectacular IQ (I was tested at 11) ADHD, dyslexia and allergy to anything academic feels like much less of a tricky path in life.

Genes are what comes out on the dice. Environment plays a huge part in how those genes are expressed (or not). And not everybody whose future looked perfect on paper ends up having a more content life.

You both do seem financially stable and very responsible. I am still not sure though, reading previous posts. I guess only you can decide.

Jesus! You asked a question and don't like the answer? You don't seem mature enough to have kids then

A few references to autism and ADHD on this thread, implying that these conditions are examples of learning disabilities. I am happy to be corrected but I do not believe that they are, and this is not what the OP is asking about.

Depends how your problems manifest themselves and if it’s hereditary. We only found out DH’s illness is hereditary when our children were nearly adults, and honestly seeing the physical pain he is in at times I wish we’d known before hand and I think we’d have probably not had them. It is beyond awful seeing someone you love in pain, and I will feel forever guilty that they might end up suffering like DH too.

I don't see any signs of a learning disability in your posts. Honestly your level of communication is a lot better than many I see on social media so I have voted yes. You sound perfectly capable to me.

I know someone with mild learning difficulties who has children and is a grandparent. She is retired from work now - worked there for 30 years. She's lovely.

Looks like you set that up so you could have a go.

clewrlh there was not enough detail in your op. From the level of disability to the hereditary nature.

what kind of disability is it for you both please.

Based on your update, I'd say definitely go for it - you are exactly like my parents, and they were brilliant! Especially my DM, who, just like your wife, was also brilliant with kids. And as I said in my earlier post, they ended up producing me, with a very high IQ.
I'm shocked that only 13% have said to go for it, it so ableist, people should be ashamed of themselves.
You've both got jobs, a house etc, you're much more with it than a lot of the couples I read about on here, who are probably much cleverer than you.
IME mild learning difficulties don't cause issues for children, it's certain mental health issues that do, especially addictions.

I think if anyone can be dissuaded from having kids they should be, this is an over populated planet and we have enough of us on it already.

Honestly, absolutely not. I’m so sorry, I know that’s really blunt, but I have to be truthful.

I have a child with profound SEND including learning disabilities. I’m degree educated, with a masters, and have worked for the NHS for over a decade, and the constant battle to get his needs met - all the paperwork, reams of information, arguments with the council, healthcare practitioners, social care - it’s absolutely draining and exhausting even with all the tools I have to deal with it. We know that the majority of SEN has a highly genetic component so it is much more likely that you and your partner would have a child with SEND, and it is so, SO hard.

Sounds like your lives are stable - nursery nurse would indicate you have good skills for caring for children and you have a house and cars.

Id say go for it personally.

Sorry but that simply isn’t true. People with SEND are statistically more likely to have children with SEND. If OP and their partner already find things confusing then they will struggle to meet the demands of SEND parenting when it comes to the huge amounts of advocacy required to meet that child’s needs.

Does she actually want children, to get pregnant, go through birth and look after a child through the day and night when you're at work, though? Or is it just you?

Post is odd. A bit rage bait IMO.

I just read your clarification, you both work and earn £65k! You are both doing amazing despite your disabilities. Your partner might need a little more support but that’s available from specialist midwives and Home Start. Why not try one child and see how you get on?

We are an autistic household and stuck at one child because I couldn’t really cope with more and help wasn’t really available in the early 2000s. But she’s lovely and 23 now, I’m glad we did it.

I think you're getting mixed up with learning difficulties and learning disabilities OP. If you had a learning disability then you would not be capable of being a bus driver.

You're both working, you have your own house, your girlfriend works with kids - I really don't think there's anything here to suggest you shouldn't be considering having a baby.

If you are both autistic then the chance of having a neurodiverse child is going to be considerably higher than 2 NT people. It's also possible your child may have more severe needs than you so it's worth keeping that in mind. Babies can be extremely stressful and sleep very little - especially ND ones in my experience.

I saw one of your other threads that said you struggled with friendships, is that the case for your girlfriend too? Do you have supportive parents nearby? It's really useful to have some support around you when you have a baby, if you have no friends or family around you then you can end up feeling extremely isolated.

Another thing I think you need to think about is if you have a child with SEN and they can't cope at nursery how will you manage that? If you work out how you handle all the issues that might arise in advance then you will be much more prepared if you do decide to have a baby.

Of course it's also possible that you will have a child with no learning difficulties and who is absolutely fine socially, you just can't predict these things. If you do have a child be on alert for all ND conditions - you child may not be autistic but they may be dyslexic/dyspraxic or have ADHD or have a combination. I have all four in my family.

Something for you to consider. My ex husband and I are autistic but we didn't know when we had our son. In fact if we hadn't had our son we may never have known. I love him dearly but he is 35 now and more obviously autistic than we are, he has severe social skills issues and cannot do much despite being really intelligent. So I am his carer with the constant worry about what will happen to him after we're gone. Do I wish I hadn't had him? No, it's very hard to say that when you see what a beautiful person he is. But then if I hadn't had him, I wouldn't know. Do you see what I am getting at?