Me and my partner have minor/ moderate learning disabilities. Should we have children?

[Benny91]

As I feel it wouldn’t be right to have any?

Do you know anyone with a learning disability that has children? As I find it quite rare with our disabilities to have children!

We are both 33

Only you and your partner know @Benny91 . I have worked with and around people with various disabilities in relationships and having children. I have seen children removed at birth and children thriving in a loving environment.

I have also worked with families where there are no disabilities and seen the same happen. You're both working, so you're independent, but there will also be support locally from various agencies. There is a chance that your child may be born with similar challenges as you and your partner, but also that they may not; both can cause issues that need accounting for.

Very best of luck with whatever you decide x

It is understandable to want to experience parenthood.
But please think of things from the perspective of the child.
A child as you know is not an accessory, not always straightforward, not always the delightful and happy experience it is made out to be. You only have to read these threads to realise that. It is over romanticised. Parenthood.
A person with a disability does not mean you cannot have a child. But the question is should you ?
I know modern society encourages people with learning disabilities to have children or to think that it is alright for them to do so. I have to say I disagree with that approach. I think it is cruel. To the people with learning disabilities and to the child they may have.

In that case, go for it. Your original post didn’t give nearly enough information. I do find it odd that you’re on here asking the question.

People always confuse learning difficulties and learning disabilities.

typically a learning difficulty does not affect intelligence - eg dyscalculia, dyslexia etx

a learning disability does affect intellect and is also known as an intellectual disability.

https://www.seashelltrust.org.uk/what-is-the-difference-between-learning-difficulties-and-learning-disabilities/

I voted YANBU based on your OP alone.

There is a world of difference between getting a bit confused and stating you have learning difficulties. A world.
You drive a bus. You can navigate your way around a mortgage application, bank accounts.
You both have responsible jobs.
Please do not confuse learning difficulties for a being a bit dizzy at times. They are not the same.
If you have learning difficulties you struggle with daily challenges like handling money. Let alone driving a bus full of the paying public.

How many times have you asked this question on here now @Benny91 ?

You seem to be fully functioning adults. If you feel that you can between you give a child love, support and emotional security then why not?

I assume that you have people you can ask if something is too confusing.

Frankly some things are confusing for everyone. Remembering a time when 2 PHD's, 3 masters and a couple of people with 'just' degrees were completely stumped putting together flat pack furniture. One if the PHD's was an engineer too.

Yes, why shouldn’t you?

I am going to go against the grain. The question is not whether you should have kids. The question is do you want children and do you understand what that would take? This is a question that few people ask themselves, whether they’ve got disabilities or not.

The reality that any of us could acquire a disability and we wouldn’t have our children automatically taken away from us!

I’m slightly conflicted! Given my time again I wouldn’t have children - but that’s my personal choice! I did study medical ethics as part of my degree and I remember a scenario where both parents had some issues and the overwhelming view was the doctor would be correct in recommending an abortion. The result would have meant no Beethoven! My view is you may well be better parents than me so it’s not for me to judge!

Autism and ADHD are not learning disabilities.

As you live and both work absolutely why not. If your DC are academic high flyers perhaps that will be parenting challenge supporting with home work etc but just be open and honest with their school.

What do you mean confused? Can you give us an example? I think if your wife looks after kids as a job I don’t see why not. Also driving buses is not easy! I think you both are doing fab

Most people probably clicked no, because you literally said you didn’t think you should. No one should have children they don’t want regardless of disabilities or none.

You made a statement, now getting all defensive because of the ones that agree with you. You have now changed your mind that you do want children???

Based off this I’d say no, do not reproduce.

Are you worried about anything specific? I can't see anything from your posts that would point to you not being competent parents and I don't think you have any less right to try for a family than anyone else. But if something is stopping you it might help to talk about it.

Honestly across my life (working life) I’ve met lots of people who I’m almost certain have undiagnosed learning difficulties who have lots of kids. Some are great parents, some are awful parents.

My uncle is functionally illiterate and has 4 kids. I believe he has a learning difficulty, but back when he was a kid they just called him thick and mocked him. He is a great dad and has worked in a all his factory life - his kids don’t have any issues. The struggle for him was helping them in school, but he was always very on the ball with getting them outside help from family with their homework ect. His wife can read but she possibly also has something as well (her words not mine). They both had supportive family, but to be honest they didn’t need that much support outside of their kids education. I think their experience at school traumatised them a bit if I’m 100% honest, it would have traumatised me.

I have ASD and my husband has ADHD. We have three children. My DS6 is autistic, but right now we can manage his needs easily. U find my experience help me understand him and have put me in good standing to advocate for him. His childhood is a lot easier simply because he’s not poor like I was. He is pretty similar to me, I would say back in the day they would have classed him as Asperger’s (that’s what I was diagnosed with at the time I was diagnosed). Our two DDs seem to be neurotypical. I was much higher support needs as a child, but once I was diagnosed and got appropriate help I thrived academically and now I am a maths tutor. It’s perfect for me as I work for myself and I get to do my special interest all day! DH isn’t academically inclined but is very successful in his own right. We struggle with keeping on top of the house, so we got a cleaner pretty much as soon as we moved in together. We scrimped on other things to afford that because it just makes our lives easier. It sounds bad, but as someone who’s been on both sides of the fence it’s easier to be neurodivergent with money than it is without - considerably easier and my quality of life directly correlates with how much money I have. It gives me options to mitigate the things that cause overload and stress.

There’s so many factors that dictate if you will cope as a parent. Only you and your inner circle can give good advice on this. I don’t think taking it to the internet (mumsnet especially) is the best idea.

Mild learning disabilities? So it doesn't hold you back all the time?

You just need to be honest with yourself and your partner. Do you have the enthusiasm, the capability, the kindness, patience and the endless energy to be parents? Will you cope ok if your child inherits any issues from his/hers parents? If so, why not have children? I'd say those attributes for any parent, learning disability or otherwise.

Handy to have family around too, for back up help and to share the experience, as well as fun for your child to be around cousins etc.

Things I would ask myself:

1. Why do I want kids? Because its a normal thing to want isn't really a good answer. Parenting is really really hard.
2. Are your learning disabilities genetic? Are your disabilities on a spectrum where you and partner are mild but your child could be much more severely affected?
3. How much help do you need day to day with your disability? Would this child be your carer rather than free to be a child?
4. How severe is your disability e.g. if you were formula feeding would you be able to make up formula properly, adjust for age of baby and size of bottle, keep track of how much they've had etc. Will you be able to understand what to dress them in based on temperature? Understand their cues? Because babies can't tell you what's wrong and you have to work it out. As they got older is your disability the type that would make it difficult to understand when they need their vaccines, when to apply for school places, how to submit the forms, get them up and to school on time?
5. You are not guaranteed a healthy child. You could have a child with complex medical needs much different to your own. What if you have a diabetic child and you have to be entirely responsible for understanding and managing their condition? Doing the calculations of how much medication to give them etc. There are lots of conditions where you may have to manage multiple medications, medical appointments etc. Will you be able to understand what your child will need and be able to advocate for them?

The answer to those questions could be that those are things you can manage which is great. Its just difficult from your OP to understand the severity of your disabilities and how they affect your lives.

I wouldn’t.

It would probably be helpful if you mentioned what the disabilities actually are as you sound like a pair of absolutely normal functions adults. Your OP was vague and there was nothing to go on, then you were annoyed at people for suggesting that you shouldn’t have children and now you are just fully functional humans.

This is not the case in SEND code of practice. I wish the charities would reflect the UK law.

In UK SEND law, you can have general learning difficulties or specific learning difficulties. If you have general learning difficulties this IS a global issue, if it's specific learning difficulties it's something like dyslexia, and doesn't necessarily affect your overall cognition.

Learning difficulties are not necessarily equivalent to a learning disability, however, as you have learning difficulties if your IQ is one standard deviation below average (85 or less) but you only have a learning disability if your IQ is 2 standard deviations away from average (70 or below, which is lowest 2 % of the population).

Image from definition of learning difficulties in law from children and families act.

OP, most people have very little idea of what learning disabilities actually are. They probably know plenty of people with LD, they just don’t know. It hasn’t had the sexy makeover that autism and adhd has. My dad can’t read or write too well, I don’t know if he has a formal diagnosed learning disability as he comes from a third world country. He has never really worked. Still had two kids and was relatively ok. My kids grandfather on their dad’s side has mild LD. He was a good dad and grandad.

If you can say with confidence that you can support and raise your children independently, then of course you should have children if you want them.But nobody should have children in the expectation that other people, or the state, will help to raise them. That's not fair on the child. The child should always be front and centre in any thinking on this topic. Simply wanting a child isn't enough to justify bringing a new person into this difficult world.

I’m amazed at the poll results. From what you say, and from how you express yourself, you sound fine. How do your disabilities affect everyday life?