Me and my partner have minor/ moderate learning disabilities. Should we have children?

[Benny91]

As I feel it wouldn’t be right to have any?

Do you know anyone with a learning disability that has children? As I find it quite rare with our disabilities to have children!

We are both 33

Got to be a windup.

You said in your OP that you don’t think it would be right. So who’s being ableist?

I work with people with learning disabilities. Some are parents.
No different to those without learning disabilities, some are cut out to be parents and some aren’t! As with the rest of the population- parents sometimes need additional support, sometimes they don’t.

I’m not ticking a box to say that you should or shouldn’t have children, I don’t know you.

Minor/moderate learning disabilities could mean all sorts of things and the answers you've been given reflect that.

You started by saying you didn't think it was right to have kids then said you want them - which is it?

You are both working decent jobs so clearly capable.

My husband has severe dyslexia, so a learning disability. Our three kids each have it to a degree. I don't think anyone would suggest that people with dyslexia and similar conditions shouldn't have children even though they might pass it on.

Dyslexia is a learning difficulty

Your OP was (deliberately?) goady; vague and lacking crucial detail. The difference between the milder end of a mild learning disability and the more sever end of 'moderate' is considerable and that's both significant and relevant. If you'd genuinely wanted honest and constructive feedback, you'd have elaborated instead of drip feeding that you both successfully hold down employment.

You're a bus driver and she's a nursery nurse! Yes, have a dc.

If you have the capacity to work in the jobs you do then of course you could have children, you’ll work things out and can use aids to help with the things you struggle with. Whether you want to bring dc into the world and can cope with them from your own perspective it’s different, that’s personal. If you feel any of your issues are genetic you could investigate that first

I have autism and adhd , iam quite severely affected by it to the point I can’t work (never have). I have 2 dc and would like another. Both my dc have autism as well. Dh is NT. He works full time and there has never been a problem for us , often professionals seem concerned initially and then quickly realise that things are fine.

You could absolutely have children and be excellent parents. You will however need to consider your weaknesses and consider how you will plug those gaps. It may be that you can get additional support with any weaknesses from adult services if you meet their criteria.

If one of them manages to be a bus driver and the other a nursery nurse then whatever alleged weaknesses they have are clearly very minor.

it gets described as both - for my husband it is a disability

I'm not going to vote in your poll @Benny91 , as if you are both adults with full capacity, which as you both work and live independently you clearly do, then you have as much right as anyone else to have children. Whether you should or not is entirely your choice, not anyone else's and certainly not for me to say.

There will be very many children whose parents are bus drivers or nursery workers. If your DP works with children she is clearly considered responsible enough to manage the needs of the children she works with and to understand the responsibilities around child safety, child safeguarding and so on. You will have passed your driving test, a bus driver specific test and be responsible for the safety of your passengers, including children. Why would you think that you were not capable of looking after your own child?

Agree-if they are not suitable to have children then neither is a big chunk of the population!

OP my professional experience was in disability support and I came across couples who were faced with this dilemma - both with learning and with physical disability. It would be helpful to know what kind of learning disability is involved, but it’s OK if you find that too outing or difficult.

Firstly, can I say that I think you articulate really well. Secondly, having read your updates as to the kinds of work you do, I wouldn’t say that on the face of it, that doesn’t preclude you having children at all. You both appear to be coping well with jobs that require both intellectual and social skills.

Obviously only you know your overall circumstances but if you have no genetic concerns and neither of you have any physical limitations then I think you need to look closely at why you have doubts about your abilities in this area. Is it because you think society is generally judgmental about disabled people having families ? If so, then put that to the back of your mind because the decision is an entirely personal one, based on your desire to have a family, the ability to provide for them and to cope with the pressures of family life.

Do you have any outside support OP ? Social worker, support worker, etc ? If so it may be worth reaching out to them to ask for some support and information to help you come to a decision that’s right for you both.

Absolutely. I work and volunteer with a lot of families and, from what I’ve seen, parents with learning difficulties don’t seem to negatively impact the children even half as much as many other circumstances.

When I think of any of the families with parent/s with learning difficulties that have struggled it’s been due to step parents, absent parents, blending families etc… things which can impact anyone.

You're both perfectly functional then - go ahead and have children.

You have asked should you? already said you feel you shouldn't and are now depressed because people agree with you?
Can I suggest that your first best step should be to get genetic counselling and go from there?

Dyslexia is officially classified as a specific learning disability because it’s a lifelong neurological condition that affects how the brain processes written and spoken language,impacting reading, spelling, and writing. Although it causes challenges with these functions and can affect sequencing/memory, it’s not tied to intelligence/IQ and those who have it are of average or above average intelligence. It’s recognised in the UK as a disability under the Equality Act 2010 and entitles those with the condition to reasonable adjustment in work and school settings.

If you both want children then don't let it put you off.
Anyone can get sick or have an accident that gives them life changing disabilities or injuries so not having a condition/disability doesn't automatically mean life will be easier.
Those of us who are neurodiverse or have mild LD aren't less than as people and if anything the barriers we overcome in normal every day life often make us quite resilient.

Given the kinds of jobs you have, I don't see any reason whatsoever why you shouldn't have children.

For what it's worth... I don't have any disabilities but there's no way on earth I could manage to do the job you do! I wouldn't cope with it at all. So we all have our strengths and weaknesses.

MIL has some level of LD and DH has said she really shouldn't have had children. She was great with them as babies but couldn't cope once they became more independent and couldn't help them navigate a world she herself couldn't navigate. She was completely unable to keep her teens safe and DH ended up heavily parentified. Even now he feels sad that they can only connect superficially and he cannot discuss serious life stuff with her. I hate to say it because it is ableist but I think it might be a selfish decision based on the parents wants more than kids needs.

It’s an odd one. On the face of it if OP is a bus driver and his DW is a nursery worker, and they earn £65000 between them, then they’re holding down jobs which require a certain level of intellectual, organisational and social skills, so I’m wondering if it’s more that the subject of starting a family has come up for discussion and OP is having a wobble because it’s crunch time.

I think this is normal for most couples, not just those with learning disabilities. I’m also thinking that there may be social workers or at the very least a disability outreach worker involved with the couple so maybe reaching out to them for advice would be easier and more accessible, as would a visit to the GP to address whether genetics are a factor.

I don't think having a learning disability automatically means you shouldn't have children. What matters most is whether you both feel ready, have the right support around you, and can provide a safe, loving home. It's a big decision, but it's one that deserves thoughtful planning rather than ruling it out because of a label.