Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

I've a second home and let friends and family use it without hesitation. I know I'm blessed and feel I should share my good fortune.

In OPs shoes I 'd offer it to parents and siblings - not extended family - I'd feel it very selfish and privliged not to share - I'd offer a week once a year and provide the dates available.

Unimaginable not to let parents use it- they will definitely and rightly judge your character OP- POOR SHOW, SHAME ON YOU

DH and I inherited an apartment in Spain. Any friend or family member is allowed to use it (we have 5 adult DC). Someone we’ve never met went a few weeks ago (good friend of DD who’d helped her enormously recently)! We’re glad it’s being used.

I can’t imagine not letting family use it when we’re not.

Isn't that just normal when you have people over or do people normally levy a fee for hospitality?

We have a second home and i think it's great being able to let other people use it. I think it's oddly mean not to want to share with family but obviously it's your right to say no.

This.

Are you the “done goods” in your family? The ones who have “made it” financially in comparison with everyone else? IME even the nicest family can become CFs because the default is that @Dogsintheforest is loaded so can afford it and all the normal social niceties around bringing a contribution/offering petrol money drop off. Your OP does come across a bit like a spoiled kid who doesn’t want to share their new toy but I suspect significant back story

Having the place occupied will help with insurance.

What relation are they to you? PIL had a flat abroad for years and were very happy for their sons and families to use it. They did keep a lot of their stuff there, it was their home, but we just worked around it!!
If they’re second cousins once removed then that’s different.
id say something like - we’d be happy for you to stay when we’re not using it. We’ll give you some dates in due course but as we’ve just bought it, we’re just having some work done (or similar).

People keep using the word ‘demand’ to make the askers sound worse.

but they haven’t demanded, they’ve asked a perfectly normal question which in my circle of friends is a perfectly normal thing to allow.

I would find it quite odd if a person denied their own parents use of their empty second house - on the one side you have a saving of circa £200 a night, so £1000 for 5, vs not wanting to buy a lock to put on a cupboard door.

it’s a very weird way to treat parents who you presumably love.

Christ you sound horrifically entitled. No one is allowed anything they buy to themselves, they must share it?

Presumably you let your family members use your car/wear your favourite clothes when you’re not using them? And they stay in your house when you’re away on holiday? If not you’re a hypocrite

My SIL has multiple homes across the world (yes she’s insanely wealthy). We’ve never asked to use one for free. You wait for an invite you don’t act entitled and demand a free holiday. After the Christmas where you provided most of the food I’d be avoiding hosting as they clearly expect you to pay for them

I don't see the point personally of buying a massive house somewhere if you aren't going to have people to stay. Just buy a little cottage! Or getting a second home that is hardly used. Maybe I'd do being rich wrong 🤔

Totally get you OP.

We have been considering a second home, but it would be exactly that a second home and I wouldn’t want lots of other people staying there.

We would be ok about our parents going but SIL has 5 young children and they would definitely trash the house. We went away with them last year and lots the security deposit as neices and nephews are fairly feral!

I think just be firm, stand your ground or work out the mates rates cost you are expecting. It might put people off if they realise it’s not free. You could also say yes you can go that week but if we decide we want to go last minute that takes priority?

That's a normal family Christmas! If you want people to pay you need to ask them to do so, people do not routinely offer to pay their family for their Christmas dinner!

I can see why they’d be pissed off if you’re barely ever there. Also with the spontaneity, you could still do this just around the schedule of people staying. It’s your house ultimately so your choice. If I had one it’d be an air BnB and I’d let family stay sometimes.

Why does OP have to compromise?

“Yeah parents what have they ever done for you!!!!”

If you have kids and pull this line out be prepared to be called out for your narcissistic behaviour in future

People who host Christmas at their house invariably do provide most of the food. How would it work otherwise?

I can’t afford a second home, but if I did and I used it a lot, and my adult kids used it a lot, sometimes at short notice, then I wouldn’t be allowing random family members to use it except perhaps my own parents. In that situation I bought it for my own family and we use it a lot so it is nice but not required to allow other people to block out months of my own use.
The wording of second home versus holiday home makes it sound as though it is genuinely a second base and not just a place you go to for July and August with it empty for the rest of the year. I also wouldn’t expect free use of someone else’s property simply because we’re related. It’s fair for people to ask but it’s also fair for the owner to say no

I’d say “you’re more than welcome to use it when we don’t need it, I’ll let you know when that is”… and then never say anything because you always need it! There’s no point in having a holiday home if it’s not available when you want it and when the weather’s good!

and yet you still like them?

We have been in a similar situation, don’t do it, it costs you more. Everyone expects it be clean when they arrives, fresh bedding on, clean towels, and to leave the dirty bedding, dirty towels, so you end up going to it to clean in between family going or paying for a cleaner to go in between different people. And you can afford to do that is the general assumption as you can afford a second home.

You would go to someone’s house for Christmas Day and not offer to contribute? No, that is not “normal” at all!!! Neither I nor anyone I know would do that. If you are invited to Christmas, even with immediate family, “normal” to me is “lovely, thank you, what can I bring?” I wouldn’t dream of turning up empty handed!!

because "be kind " of course 🙄

How big is this house? From what you’ve said it sounds massive, that does rather change things. If you don’t want locks on your wardrobe, that’s understandable if it has one bedroom. Your post about Christmas implies it has at least 4 bedrooms, if that’s the case you are being deeply unreasonable.
Also, the poster who comments that locals dislike second home owners who buy the home and then underutilise has a very good point.