Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

oh stop it with the "be kind" crap

Also, this is true. People don’t want to clean it because they are “on holiday” which means you either pay to clean it or you arrive, it’s dirty and you have to clean it yourself. If cleaning costs are mentioned, it is met with affront because “you can afford it”. It’s just entitled all the way around.

it’s your house, you can do with it what you want. If they want a holiday home, they can buy one and let everyone else use it.

In our family we all agree to bring things so costs are shared. Someone brings cheese. Or the smoked salmon, someone else rocks up with Prosecco and so on.

Agreed. We host Christmas every year and everyone offers to contribute. They wouldn’t dream of us taking on the full financial burden every year. My PILs always pay for the meat, SIL provides the wine etc. I can’t imagine being invited somewhere for Christmas, with all the expense and effort involved in hosting, and not offering to contribute.

Agree with PP that it sounds like you are a lot better off than family members which dies change the dynamic. From experience there will be some resentment there. You say you like spending time with family but this issue is getting in the way of that enjoyment? So you may find you choose between enjoying your holiday home (which is your right) and enjoying time with wider family. I think I know which one I’d choose and it may be your attitude to the house changes when the novelty of it wears off a bit? A compromise could be allowing parents to use it this summer abd then explaining to siblings you may be open to lending it more widely in a year or so? Anyone outside that immediate circle might have to suck it up; you can set a hard boundary that siblings is as far as you’re prepared to go and most reasonable people would accept that (albeit grudgingly) Yoir family are not going to stop feeling resentful until you let them use it so you just have to live with that .

I would let my family, but I think some boundaries need to be enforced by the sounds of it. They need to leave it clean and tidy. Maybe even bring their own bed sheets so you don’t have to wash them. Also ask for a contribution towards utility bills as if lots of people end up staying, that cost will add up for you. And you don’t have to say yes to everyone who asks.

OP as others have already said its time to openly and firmly decline to discuss it. If they are snotty to you call them out on it, if they raise it change the subject. It sounds to me like those people you "like" are showing their true colours.

I think YABU. If you're not using it then let them stay. Not hurting you is it? And if it's occupied it's less likely to get vandalised/robbed.

I can't imagine having a SECOND home as a holiday home, and refusing to let my own family stay in it. What a mean-spirited attitude.

We have a holiday house in France and I’m always delighted when friends or family want to stay. We don’t rent it out commercially but do ask for a contribution to costs of £500 (which is pretty good round here for a place that sleeps 7 and has access to fab skiing) plus money for cleaner. Never ask for £ if we’re here too. And have given it as a freebie when friends are having a tough time. Bottom line is that the more people that use it mean you will need to spend more on maintenance. But I get a lot of joy from hearing how much people like the area.

Oh for goodness sake, the doubling of council tax means poor you needs to sell their second home? A home you had enough money to buy with inherited money. And the poor community! No longer being blessed by your presence!
You’re ridiculous, if you want to keep the home tell your string of friends and family who use it that they’ll need to contribute to the bills, it isn’t difficult. But no, poor you is being forced to give it up by the awful council!
Get some perspective.

@Dogsintheforest your family seem very entitled. We have a second home abroad, not one person has ever asked to use it but they sometimes ask if they can visit us which we're fine with.
We get visitors (usually our dc or siblings) when we are there also but they always contribute usually by paying for a supermarket shop.
I wouldn't really like anyone to be there without us except our adult dc.
I only once had to be firm when someone suggested their ex would love to stay with us, er no.

With CF family like that, who needs enemies.

Dont listen to people who theoretically if they had a second home, would just fling open the doors of their home to everyone they know. In theory, that sounds lovely and good spirited. In reality, lots of people have family and friends who take the piss, and wouldn’t contribute to wear and tear of a property you’ve worked hard to purchase and furnish. The very fact they expect to be able to use it tells you all you need to know about your family. They made their life choices and you made yours. Smile sweetly and ignore.

If I had a second home, I’d definitely allow my kids to use it, and maybe a small selection of friends at an absolute push. It’s my home - even if it’s a second home - not an air bnb.

When we spend Xmas together usually, everyone contributes to alcohol, maybe desserts and snacks, even if it’s just for a couple of days. We paid the whole food bill including alcohol for 16 other people, (not including our kids) for 2 weeks! Only one sibling and our adult kids contributed. Can you imagine how much that cost?

There has been a definite shift in their thinking, like we have a second home so they’re shouldn’t have to pay for anything.

One of my very close relations has acquired a second home in a very nice touristy place. It hasn't even entered my mind to ask them if I can stay there; I asked them to let us know once they have settled in & we will pay them a visit when they are there (& stay in a nearby hotel).

Seems a bit much, that response….

I can’t get over the entitlement! You sound to have a very grabby family. Unless you’ve won the lottery, presumably this is as a result of your own hard work. They should wait to be invited, if that’s what you want to do. Sounds like it’s busy enough though with your own family. I wouldn’t want it becoming a chore and you basically a chambermaid for the rest of the CF family members!

Both with your family and on this thread it sounds as though there's a difference in terns of how the house is considered. Second house/holiday home = expectation you would share or let out vs future home you are settling into = your very private space.

For the former, I dont think you have any obligation to allow them the use of it but for the local community and where you have a good relationship with them its not crazy for them to ask, and many would be fine with letting family stay.

If you and your children already use it as often as suggested here Id point out that its already occupied every weekend or next time theres a pointed comment take a moment to directly address that you dont expect use of their car/spare bedroom/favourite jumper simply because they have it and you'd like a shot.

I don’t think it’s surprising your family are a bit put out. Ofc your property, your choice but don’t be surprised if it damages the relationships / causes family to think you’re a bit mean.

Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake.

That’s perfectly normal behaviour by your standards?

Thank you both. And our family stayed for 2 weeks! It wasn’t just Xmas day!

What did you want from the thread? (There's no question in the original post)

I don't let anyone use any of my stuff. It's fine.
Holiday house threads always end up with a load of posts obsessing over The Local Economy 😄

So you sell up, and someone can actually live in it full time! That's the point of double council tax, much better for local business.

OP I’m sorry your family has decided that it’s your job to provide them with free holidays and food. You need to speak up and stop tolerating the spiteful comments. I suspect you’ll end up distancing yourselves if they don’t stop making digs.

what have you got that you are not using that I can pop round and use? Nice garden? jewellery? a car? If you are not using it why not? Its not hurting you is it?