Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

Honestly, I think you’re being ridiculous.

It’s an empty house. Let them go for a week and stop being so miserable.

I can see where you’re coming from as I don’t like people in my space but… your parents? I don’t think I could say no to either set of parents if we had a good relationship.

Do your adult children not ask to being friends? I spent my college summers at holiday homes belonging to friends parents.

I'm surprised at the amount of support for the cheeky fucker family members!

No they aren't entitled to it! If you had never mentioned the house, they would never have known about it, yet now they're making out they can't live without it!

When we left London and bought in a very pretty part of the north east (modest yet obviously bigger than London) we had NO end of people messaging us, asking to come and stay, clearly to save on AirBnBs. One friend who I'd mentioned to some years earlier that we were thinking of buying in the north east, but she then cut me off as she met a new man, suddenly started messaging after 3 years of ignoring me, asking if we'd "bought that house yet, me and Steve would love to come and stay!"! Cheeky cow.

Also imagine the wear and tear on your new home if you start letting entire families stay there for days or weeks on end. When you do come to move in there'll be marks on the wall, scuffs on the floor, the carpet won't be as fluffy, etc.

Surely they can use it just until you know what you’re using it for? So if they want to know for a year in advance they can’t but when it’s free now why not?

it doesn’t feel like our home.

It isn't!

It is a home that you have bought for occasional use. You do not live there. It is your house, but not your home. And it is a home that a local family could use.

If you are going to take up a home at the very least be generous of spirit and let family enjoy it. I would in a heartbeat.

I think you’re being quite mean not letting family members use it. Not even your parents? Do you have an otherwise good relationship with them?
I think there might be a bit of a back story here

If your parents or brother or sister had a second home you wouldn’t even dream they might let you stay in it? That sounds pretty unfathomable to me. Each to their own.

This! You sound incredibly mean! My family rent out a holiday home. We (6 different sets of families, all for free ) all get 1-2 weeks free, family member uses it for 3 months of the year and just block out the time, it’s really not that deep. The bottom line is that your mean and don’t want to share. Fair enough but don’t dress that up as we won’t be able to use it because that’s just not true.

As someone who lives and works in a "picturesque place that is popular to visit", this is 100% spot on.

Second homes have absolutely destroyed our town and local area. They have a hugely detrimental effect on the community, the amenities and services available and businesses. Many of the second home owners will tell you that they are here loads but coming every so often and using a shop or two doesn't make up for the loss of homes for teachers, nurses, tradesmen, and people doing all the jobs we need. Halloween is extra-eerie and depressing when kids are trick or treating and a significant number of the houses they are passing are sitting empty, some with Christmas decorations still up from when their owners last visited the previous year.

Call out their PA comments.
Eg with the cake - Is that a reference to me not sharing my home with you?
Keep saying no. You don't have to justify yourself other than with 'Because I don't want to.'

First answer has it. They are CF

This.
How scared and boundaried are you that you won’t share. We’ve had literally dozens of guests when we’re not there.

They would not expect to pay.

We invited everyone to spend Xmas with us there. It ended up being us, plus my dad and his partner, 2 of our siblings, partners and children and a cousin and her partner. We bought all the food, drinks and extras apart from one sibling and our own adult children who insisted on contributing.

I would enjoy it more if I shared it with people I love but that’s just me. I love to give presents and bring joy.

Stick to your guns OP. It’s not a family holiday home and as you say if you let everyone use it then your access would be very limited. They are being very rude to assume that they should be able to use your home as if it was theirs. You need to tell them to stop sulking about you not providing free family holidays for everyone

having an extra house and leaving it sitting empty, not letting even family use it for a week is beyond privileged. I don’t have an issue per se with buying a second home in circumstances like yours but they should be housing people when you aren’t using it, Airbnb’s are better for communities than empty houses

Our adult children take whoever they want but they are also there. They don’t lend it to their friends when they aren’t there.

We bought our retirement home in Norfolk about 10 years before we retired due to an inheritance we weren’t expecting. It wasn’t a ‘second property’ as we were renting. We used it like a holiday home for the first couple of years. We let family and friends use it because insurance is a nightmare if it’s empty for chunks of time

then we rented it out at benefit rent rates for a year or two. We’d been in that situation and found an amazing landlord so made sense to help someone out and pay it forward.

How big is this house!

The sight of houses standing empty most of the time while locals are priced out of the housing market is deeply offensive, and I'm a capitalist.

The idea of leaving it standing empty while people would like to be using it is a smack in the face to the local community which depends on tourists buying stuff and using services.

If you're going to be so downright privileged and throw it in people's faces, the least you could do is let people stay there and spend money while they are there, and pay a local company for a deep clean every time they leave.

That’s the only explanation. Dozens of friends, family and DCs’ friends stay regularly. Always leave it immaculate and well stocked, use and chatter in local shops, attend local events like church.

This.

I would let them have it when we're definitely not going to be there, provided they leave it clean and tidy.

I certainly wouldn’t be asking