Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

We don’t want to rent it out and we don’t want to have to have locks on our wardrobes.

Hardly, what a stupid comparison. Its an open market, she bought it, she owns it. None of anyone elses business.

Is it entitlement that I went out last night. Is it entitlement that I have two cars. Is it entitlement Im buying more shoes today?

What bollox!!!

I think it’s very unusual to not let your own family use an empty house. Goodness, everyone I know who has a second house lets everyone use it - friends, neighbours etc - if they’re not!

If a relative or very close friend couldn’t afford a holiday I would let them use it for free.

Exactly.

Like another poster I am extremely territorial and my home is MY home. I like my stuff where I want it. I struggle a bit with the cleaner coming because things have to be moved around!!

The type of people who think they have the right to demand to stay in someone else's home (for free) are the exact type of people to be terrible guests. They'll leave the place a mess and go through all your stuff.

I have to say I can’t imagine not letting family use a holiday home. You put in some locked cupboards, one in the main bedroom with your clothes, one in the kitchen with some more delicate things, fancy glassware for example, some additional pantry staples and wine.

I can’t believe how entitled people are becoming. It’s your house, of course you shouldn’t have to allow people to stay there. The morality of owning a second home etc really is secondary (and I couldn’t give a fuck) what is astonishing to me is that anyone would be so cringey and desperate to act offended once they had been rebuffed! I just don’t know when people started thinking that they could act this way. I’ve become really aware of how entitled everyone around me is and it’s starting to get me down! It’s pretty sad that your immediate family is making you feel this way, I would maybe just one time, very firmly ask them not to make the comments anymore. If they don’t listen then I wouldn’t see them anymore unless I had to. I have cut back contact with almost everyone in my life because I’m so sick of people expecting me to ask for nothing while they expect the earth from me. Do they share their belongings with you? Highly doubt it.

I think it is a bit forward and rude they keep asking you after you saying no. But I also think it's incredibly selfish and mean to not let your family especially you parents make use of it.

We had a holiday home growing up and it was rarely empty due to family using it. We basically reserved the dates we absolutely wanted them then offered others a week each that they had to arrange in advance.

Yes absolutely!! You can say we don’t like sharing we just want both houses to ourselves, that’s your right, but don’t expect anyone to like you one bit more for that.

You think it is “entitled” of op to spend her own money as she chooses and obviously pay the high associated rates of tax, but not entitled of her family to expect to use said house? No. No one has the “right” to anyone else’s money, home or possessions, end of.

If we added friends and neighbours, we’d be lucky to spend a few weeks there ourselves!

You struggle with your cleaner cleaning a property you don’t even live in and just occasionally visit?

Two of my cousins got holiday homes at the same time. I oohed and aahed like you do with a new car, asked if they were planning to rent it out and they both said no. And that was it. I'd never in a million years give them grief or make passive aggressive comments.

We had a similar situation many years ago. We started off allowing family to stay at our second home, which we no longer have.
Then the problems started.
We would arrive to find the kitchen not cleaned. Crockery only sketchily washed, lights on and on one occasion the toilet not flushed and left for six weeks!
They did not like the bedroom we allocated to them and couldn’t see why we didn’t want them to sleep in our bed.
I wanted to be able to arrive and not start changing sheets.
They said they were staying a week and stayed 3, they ran the heating 24/7. One person did “helpful” diy jobs which caused damage.
If we wanted to visit they either said we will come too or were already there when we arrived.
Basically they just treated our home like their own.

Once, they rang to inform me that they had forgotten to switch a gas fire off, I had a long journey to drive to put that right.

They constantly discussed “problems” they had discovered with the property and ways we could put them right.

We had to say no more!

It caused huge problems in the extended family.

Based on our experience set your ground rules now and stick to them.

We have a summer house, when we’re not there friends and family are free to use it, we have an airbnb on our property, again when it isn’t booked they’re free to use it, or we’ll block it out for them on specific dates. Mums in our summer house at the minute with some friends.

I can’t grasp not being kind or helpful to people I care about.

Your choice, but you have made it harder for for yourself by poor communication.

Personally, I would let others in the family use it for certain periods during the year, eg 3 weeks in spring, 3 weeks in autumn and 1 week in the summer. First come first served and contribution to bills.

Or, tell them that too many are asking. It would be unfair to yes to some and no to others. If you said yes to everyone you wouldn't be getting to use to yourself (or you would start charging to cover the mortgage and utilities).

There are other ways to handle it than: "We've got a lovely holiday home. No-one else can stay there because we want access to it whenever we want. Except for our kids. Then we are perfectly okay to break our own rules."

Can't you just diffuse the situation to say you are still working out the running costs and don't yet have plans to let it out or to invite others to stay for a while.. tell them you haven't sorted out all the necessary extra insurance yet

Are you going letting the place out, or is it just for own exclusive use? If you are going to let it out, then presumably they can book it if it's available, with a discount if you do choose. If you are not, and it's an exclusive second home, then I think it's odd for them not to await an invitation to either visit when you are there, or to use it for a week when you not.

I still expect them to contribute to running costs if they are wanting a week's otherwise free accommodation. The problem is once you've let any other family use it, you raise expectations of everyone one using..

For goodness sake, this is an imaginary issue. You block off a week a month, 20th Dec to 10th Jan, and the whole month of August if that’s your preference- whatever you want. You are entitled to not share it but don’t imagine for a second anyone hears you say ‘then we’d never get to use it waaaah’ and thinks you have a point. They think what a twat, are you 6 years old?

This is different. Of course if they abuse the privilege if using it cut people off.

We have one on a luxury caravan / chalet site with siblings and parents.
They others agreed that my adult kids and grandkids can use it but pay £15 per night per person to cover costs. We have an online calendar that we book out every three months ourselves and what’s left over the kids and some close friends on my sisters and parents side can use what’s left. However they all understand that their bookings maybe taken out with only a week or two notice if one of us want to go down on the off chance -not generally my sisters and I but my parents are retired and are quite spontaneous
Everyone gets it -what causes more issues, however, is that after every single use we expect beds changed and washing done and taken to whoever is going next. Floors, bathroom and kitchen left spotless and butter, oil, salt, teabags jam etc topped up.
My sisters step daughter went once and got lamb fat all over the oven and there was sand everywhere so was billed 70 quid for a deep over clean and sort out by a local couple in the village who clean other properties on the site.
My grandson throw a toy at the TV and broke the digitiser so it was for the bin- my parents weren’t prepared to go through insurance company to put premiums up so that had to be replaced straight away by a cash transfer of £580 quid for replaced model by the time next person went.

Everyone knows the crack so it works but wouldn’t for everyone and I know people who have the absolute mick taken out of them by entitled family and friends

The only point that matters is it is our house.

You're incredibly privileged to own a second home, that is completely unattainable for all but the wealthiest. You are also contributing to a well known social problem of houses being bought in desirable holiday destinations and then left empty, so local people can neither live in them nor benefit from local tourism.

Sure they sound entitled, but so do you.

A compromise may be to allow a couple of weeks where you are definitely not going to use it. Then Just say to the relatives that they can decide amongst themselves how it is shared ! And you also say that there will be cleaners fee before and after and costs of electricity etc. That's what I do. So yes it is free from a rental cost but it does cost something and you know it's cleaned and also limited in time

in that case use your words
’yes, no problem to use it that week’
’no, we’ll be down there that week’