Am I in the wrong for asking partner to make me a cup of tea ?

[luluxxx]

At the moment he has a job and I don’t.
It’s been a few months since my last job closed and I’m looking for something else.
We are no worse off financially and still go 50% on all house bills as I have savings.
I do all the housework now
I do all the cooking ,cleaning but as it’s now “my job” he does nothing.
He won’t make a cup of tea
He won’t feed the cats
He says “I have a job,you don’t”
He throws laundry on the floor

I made slow cooked chilli the other night and apparently according to him “that’s not making a meal,you have thrown stuff in a slow cooker”

Last night I had been out meeting a friend and my head was banging
I asked would he make a cup of tea for me,he said no.
I then snapped and said “you do nothing “
Now he replied “it’s your job “

I don’t have a job so I’m totally happy to do all housework as I’m home,he literally comes home to tea on the table.
I make weekend breakfasts /have the washing sorted .
Everything done.
I said that making your partner a cup of tea shouldn’t be decided because I don’t have a job.

He woke up this morning
Never spoke
Stupidly made a cup of tea for us both.
He said “I don’t want it as you throw it in my face,today our plans have changed I’m not taking you out for dinner “

So we aren’t going out now
I’m really upset actually
I only wanted a cup of tea

Anyway I poured it down the toilet

So was I wrong to ask for him to make me a cuppa because I don’t have a job ?
Also there was a few dishes in sink
While I was out I said could he wash them ..got back and he hadn’t done it.

100%
It sounds like a leap at this stage, but that’s how it starts. He’s belittling you, withdrawing affection and doesn’t sound like he respects or cares about you. Treating someone you’re in a relationship with like that is emotionally abusive. Please leave him. I’d rather have a teasmaid than a man like that it my life.

In fact my last relationship ended because of the very same thing - I was exhausted, had been running around like a headless chicken arranging all the food for a family get together with both of our extended families while also working night shifts in the depths of perimenopause. I’d asked him to make me a cup of tea and he rolled his eyes and said one of the kids could do it. Things escalated to the point he kicked over the tower fan (my lifeline during hot flushes!) and quipped about it being my “time of the month” and suddenly I realised how much he clearly despised me.

Don’t wait for him to show you any more.

He's absolutely awful. You are still paying your share of the bills and you aren't his servant.

Stop doing anything for him. Don't do his washing, don't shop or cook for him and start planning to leave him.

What a fucking bastard. Get away from him.

He sees you as an income stream and he is punishing you for being a less profitable investment than usual.

If you don't have dc, just move on OP.

Also, do not a SINGLE thing for him.

Leave his laundry where he dropped it.

He has said you don't have a job, so don't have one.

Sulking entitled man-child!!!
Oh how I'd love for the tables to turn.
I'm sorry but if you actively choose to stay with this pathetic excuse for a man then you need your head checking. He is a bully and this will only get worse. Whats he going to be like if you have children?!

He is a mean spirited dickhead. Life is too short. You deserve better. You are asking for basic decency and respect which I would’ve thought a partner would happily give at the very least. Why does he have the need to grind you down in this way? Just unnecessary and unkind.

He's vile.

He doesn't love you, he sounds like he despises you.

Please end the relationship and move on, you'll be happier without him in your life.

So seems as he say it’s your job is he paying you , I assume he doesn’t work for free .

He’s a dickhead

And you still pay 50% from your savings while not working. So what's his basis for insulting you? And why are you letting him? What are you still staying with him for? Hmmmm.

OP I feel for you, I am in a very similar situation but further down the line. 6 months now out of work, I’ve had several interviews where I’ve got down to the last 2 then not got it.
Have also consistently paid my share of bills but now savings (overdraft in fact) running out.

My DH is so angry. He seems to hate me. Yells at me daily.
Today I was just in floods of tears, I said I was starting to feel suicidal, and he has finally changed his tune.
I think he forgot I was a real person. I don’t know why some men are so devoid of empathy and also just can’t deal with more responsibility on their shoulders.
The trouble is when you’re so vulnerable financially, it’s harder to leave…

I’m currently on Mat leave. My husband makes me tea daily, he spent his entire Saturday deep cleaning our home. Running errands and looking after our little boy. He also made me lunch and told me to go rest as I looked knackard.

Men like this exist. Go get one of those and boot that self righteous waste of space out the door. It’s not just the cuppa tea. The control element and the punishment of cancelling dinner. Ick ick ick. You deserve so much more OP

I recognise the signs and it really has nothing to do with you not having a job and him having one. He’s an abusive narcissist. Run, run away as fast as you can. Stop bending over backwards to please him it will never be good enough and you will just make yourself smaller and smaller until you have no life left except trying to please him.

This an example of how he will treat you even at your lower points.

LTB

Its the classic revealing what an abusive twatbadger you are because your partner (in the abusers mind) is more trapped and vulnerable...i.e. married, pregnant or not working etc..

He's dropped his mask OP and he's an ugly twatbadger and not fit to make a life with.

An utter user when you are paying 50% and doing 100% of everything else

Putting aside everything else, I flinched reading that you are using your savings to pay for half the bills but don't have a job!

Why would you do this? If you split (and it is obvious you should do this) you will need that money. Don't trap yourself further in this bad situation OP.

I'd dump him right now. You don't need his shit in your life.

I would have drunk BOTH cups of tea.

And told your idiot husband that while yes, you can do considerably more of what would normally be your half of the shared household responsibilities because you do not currently have a job, that does not suddenly render him an infant and incapable of clearing up after himself and treating his family/other people in his household with civility, if he for some reason can't manage love and respect. Factor in the time he spends at work and commuting and the time you spend looking for work, plus any other fixed responsibilities each of you have (school, caring for extended family) and figure out how to divide up the shared household (and childcare, although I hope there are no children involved!!) so you each have roughly equal leisure time.

Perhaps consider finding a partner who doesn't think that making a loved one a very occasional cup of tea when requested is cause for a narcissistic, hyper-capitalist strop.

He's utter scum.
I hope you find a job soon.
Where is your self respect tolerating this?
He is an abusive arsehole.

In the meantime, stop doing ANYTHING for him.
No cooking, laundry, shopping.
Move into another room.
This relationship is over.
Stop wasting time with someone so awful.
If you can, move back in with family to save money.

He throws laundry on the floor?? So bloody disrespectful, leave it there, he'll soon need it and learn to use the laundry basket. He doesn't see housework as 'work' ? Let him research the cost of a cleaner to do the same jobs. I doubt you will ever change his attitude though op, they tend to be ingrained.

Because people like him very gradually start treating you worse and worse and because it happens bit by bit you don’t realise at first and it can take a while to realise what is happening and to know you need to leave. I remember asking on a friend group whether something my ex had done was ok. On one level I knew it wasn’t but he’d gaslighted me into accepting his behaviour and feeling like I was the problem. I needed that wake up call of being told how unreasonable he was being. That’s why people stay with abusive partners and sometimes they need discussion boards like this to be that wake up call.

So good that you have savings. Use them to leave him.

He doesn’t like you and the fact that you’re not working. He’s also a very very horrible person. You should consider leaving him.

What a disgusting excuse of a man.

You being out of work does not give him a pass to be rude, lazy and cruel. It does not give him an excuse to never make a cup of tea or lob his dirty washing on the floor for you.

Relationships are about respecting each other no matter what and this man has zero respect for you. Have the respect for yourself and tell him goodbye because you are worth far more than this.

This sort of behaviour will only ever get worse. Let me guess, he’s making you burn through your savings while you’re not working? This is not ok.