Am I in the wrong for asking partner to make me a cup of tea ?

[luluxxx]

At the moment he has a job and I don’t.
It’s been a few months since my last job closed and I’m looking for something else.
We are no worse off financially and still go 50% on all house bills as I have savings.
I do all the housework now
I do all the cooking ,cleaning but as it’s now “my job” he does nothing.
He won’t make a cup of tea
He won’t feed the cats
He says “I have a job,you don’t”
He throws laundry on the floor

I made slow cooked chilli the other night and apparently according to him “that’s not making a meal,you have thrown stuff in a slow cooker”

Last night I had been out meeting a friend and my head was banging
I asked would he make a cup of tea for me,he said no.
I then snapped and said “you do nothing “
Now he replied “it’s your job “

I don’t have a job so I’m totally happy to do all housework as I’m home,he literally comes home to tea on the table.
I make weekend breakfasts /have the washing sorted .
Everything done.
I said that making your partner a cup of tea shouldn’t be decided because I don’t have a job.

He woke up this morning
Never spoke
Stupidly made a cup of tea for us both.
He said “I don’t want it as you throw it in my face,today our plans have changed I’m not taking you out for dinner “

So we aren’t going out now
I’m really upset actually
I only wanted a cup of tea

Anyway I poured it down the toilet

So was I wrong to ask for him to make me a cuppa because I don’t have a job ?
Also there was a few dishes in sink
While I was out I said could he wash them ..got back and he hadn’t done it.

I worry that he’s abusive in many ways and that’s destroyed your self esteem so much that you actually need to ask.

I think dividing labour to house/ work when 1 isn’t working is fine.

But that doesn’t mean throwing clothes on the floor, refusing to make a cuppa or moaning about what was cooked.

He’s an asshole. Why are you putting up with this?

@luluxxx depending on the home set up
and who’s house it is - I’d explain that I wouldn’t be paying 50/50 or using my savings etc if this is how he’s behaving.

if he wants to put you in a little box because he’s the provider etc then he can pay in full.

Whos house is it? Now you’ve seen this side of him are you interested in staying with someone that behave like this?

Id be dropping the rope on doing anything for him because you are too busy job hunting.

was he perfect before this? Or little red flags and behaviour that needed ‘handling carefully’.

I could never forgive a partner that behaved like this to me. I’d never trust them to
have my back.

Imagine if you developed a serious illness and were unable to work or manage the house for a few months. What would
he do then?

Good luck

Can you afford your bills without him? That’s the more important question.

I mean, as an isolated incident, if Dh was unemployed and out getting drunk and then too hungover to get out of bed to make a cup of tea, yes, I could see snapping at him in frustration when I’m the one working and carrying the weight of everything. Even if you are 50/50, your savings won’t last forever and there will be added stress on him. Okay, yes, I can see that happening.

But this isn’t an isolated incident. My guess is when you were working. You did the bulk of the picking up and the admin and the mental load too. He sounds like a jerk. I haven’t worked in 2 years (due to cancer). I still have another year and a half of treatment and then we wait to see if I’m going to live or not.

I do a lot of the housework and the kids. But Dh has never once left his clothes on the floor for me to pick up. He still does school runs if I ask. He does a huge amount of the running kids around to activities and taking them on days out so I can rest. It’s definitely still very 50/50. He does all that without complaining while earning all our money and extra to basically pay me equivalent to my old salary every month, so I’m never without just because I’m not well enough to work. Because he’s not a jerk.

We all go through dark times in life. Shit happens. We get unlucky. If you’re a team, you have each other’s backs. Unconditionally. He sounds like he doesn’t see you as a team at all. If the shoe was on the other foot, would he be doing all the cooking and cleaning and making cups of tea, or would he be spending the day in bed on his phone moaning about you still doing everything? What if you were ill, would he be driving you to hospital appointments and helping you to and from the loo and running to the shop to get you the one thing you can stomach eating?

His behaviour is awful but I would absolutely expect him to do all of the household chores, what else does he do all day.

And it’s not about money, I just value a man with a good work ethic.

If he was applying for multiple jobs, working in places like Tesco or as a cleaner temporarily etc then I would have the utmost respect for him.

If he left his job with nothing to go to and not trying hard to find another one and still getting pissed with mates on the weekend, then yes I would absolutely be resentful and annoyed at him.

I think some posters are being disingenuous as if this was a reverse they would not be jumping to defend him so quickly.

what exactly are his redeeming qualities OP? He’s being a dick.

i’d telll him you might not have a job, but that doesn’t mean you’re his fucking servant. You are happy to pick up the housework while you have spare time, but that doesn’t mean he gets a pass on being a decent respectful partner. He can shape up or ship out.

You’re contributing 50/50 so the fact you’re not currently working shouldn’t change a thing.

If he was paying for everything he’d still be a twat but I could see why you might do more.

He sounds hideous and abusive. What are his redeeming qualities?

How were things split when you were both working? I’ll bet my last Rolo he did naff all then, as well.

Op how old is he ? Do you have DC run a mile from.this man he sounds insufferable.

It seems a bit irrelevant whether you have a job or not because you're still contributing 50:50. Nothing has actually changed for him financially.

If you don’t have children yet and plan to in the future, you know how you will be doing all what you do on top of looking after the kids alone and sorting their lives out. Yet he will still say you’ve done nothing all day.
if I was you I would not stay. Get a job and start saving up for your exit. Unless you have a friend or family that can help you move.

He doesn't like you. Better luck 🤞 next time.

He is horrible and treating you terribly. You do everything at home and he can't even make you a tea ? Id stop making him food, his washing and anything to do with him. Look after yourself . Tell him it's not your job . Even better sack him off

What a nasty shit he is, I would be out the door! I was a SAHM for years and my DH made me cups of tea all the time. You're not his domestic slave. Take yourself out for a lovely dinner!

He is abusing you. He's shown you very clearly that he doesn't like or respect you and is going to punish you because you don't have to work and he does. Start planning a new life without him and keep those savings for that. You might need to go back to work.

So he works, say, Mon to Fri 9 - 5. And expects you to work 24/7? I don;t know how old you are, but this is what he would do if you were ever on maternity leave or a SAHM. Gather up the cats and go.

Please don’t have children with this man.

You weren't in the wrong to ask for a cup of tea but it sounds like you need to leave this relationship as it will only make you miserable. You only have one life, don't waste it OP. Go out to dinner with a friend today and start making plans to leave. Stay strong 💐

if this was a reverse they would not be jumping to defend him so quickly.
Don't be so silly. If one person pays 50% of the bills and does all the house chores in lieu of "working" then they are equal, male or female.

Why are you still with this controlling abusivf thunder cunt ?

Find another job and get out of that situation.

Please please please please LEAVE this horrible man.

He's got no respect for you.

Who does what doesn’t even need to come into it tho. It’s his horrible mean attitude.

He’s terrible, life is too short to spend with this piece of crusty waste product. We are only here once.