Am I in the wrong for asking partner to make me a cup of tea ?

[luluxxx]

At the moment he has a job and I don’t.
It’s been a few months since my last job closed and I’m looking for something else.
We are no worse off financially and still go 50% on all house bills as I have savings.
I do all the housework now
I do all the cooking ,cleaning but as it’s now “my job” he does nothing.
He won’t make a cup of tea
He won’t feed the cats
He says “I have a job,you don’t”
He throws laundry on the floor

I made slow cooked chilli the other night and apparently according to him “that’s not making a meal,you have thrown stuff in a slow cooker”

Last night I had been out meeting a friend and my head was banging
I asked would he make a cup of tea for me,he said no.
I then snapped and said “you do nothing “
Now he replied “it’s your job “

I don’t have a job so I’m totally happy to do all housework as I’m home,he literally comes home to tea on the table.
I make weekend breakfasts /have the washing sorted .
Everything done.
I said that making your partner a cup of tea shouldn’t be decided because I don’t have a job.

He woke up this morning
Never spoke
Stupidly made a cup of tea for us both.
He said “I don’t want it as you throw it in my face,today our plans have changed I’m not taking you out for dinner “

So we aren’t going out now
I’m really upset actually
I only wanted a cup of tea

Anyway I poured it down the toilet

So was I wrong to ask for him to make me a cuppa because I don’t have a job ?
Also there was a few dishes in sink
While I was out I said could he wash them ..got back and he hadn’t done it.

Wow, he’s horrible op. My dh is currently unemployed due to redundancy and all of my wages go on bills now. I wouldn’t dream of treating him that way! We’re a partnership and support each other. He does the majority of the housework as he’s at home more than me but I’ll still do jobs around the house. I’d have to question the relationship if he treated me the same way your dp treats you. It sounds like he really resents you not working.

Why don’t you have a job?

I don’t understand what it means when you say your job closed.

How hard are looking for a new job?

Your answers to these questions are relevant.

I would never throw my clothes on the floor but if my DH quit his job with nothing else lined up and then wasn’t trying hard enough to find a new one, then I would be resentful and annoyed.

You are not his servant ugh. His behaviour is nasty, you don’t have to put up with that.

He clearly really resents you not working. Perhaps he hates his job too and would love to not work. Either way though he can’t express/control his feelings and is taking it out on you in an unacceptable way. Doesn’t bode well for future/ kids

So you still cover your share of finances and on top of that he expects you to do everything else and for him to do nothing even on a weekend or evening? He also wants to dictate how you cook and presumably do other things even though you’re actually doing him an favour? Objectively anyone can see that’s not fair.

If you want to do his share of the chores during the week as a favour while looking for your next job that’s fine but anything happening on a weekend cleaning cooking etc should be 50/50. The way he speaks to you shows contempt which is something you should never put up with. You should be glad you’ve seen him for who he truly is, which is someone who will take advantage of your vulnerability for his own gain. As soon as you can afford to / have found a new job please leave you deserve much better.

You are sadly in an emotionally & very possibly verbally abusive relationship OP. You deserve so much better.

That level of disrespect tells you he is very dangerous for you.

please leave before he hits you or something because he already treats you like dirt. It wouldn’t take much for him to go that next level of abuse.

I agree with pp. Your new job is to find a new place to live. You will be so much happier away from this abusive, horrible man. Partners are supposed to be loving and supportive and equal. He's the opposite.

There is no rule that says if your partner loses their job you get an instant slave. It’s normal to adjust responsibilities (eg take over washing as you’re home). But when I’m on holidays (term time only job) my husband still does things he always does! I might do a few more bits and bobs but he’d still put the coffee on for me, or take out the bins/tidy kitchen after dinner. He just does a bit less as I’ve naturally taken over some things - this way we both benefit from me having longer hols. I do the nursery run for him in the hols so he gets a calmer morning going to work.

I will make you a virtual cuppa OP

It takes 1-2 min to do. Aside from saying thank you, it's the easiest way to make someone feel better.

We don't throw things in people's faces when we love them. We just don't.
It's not like you're not contributing. He's not even financially providing for you. His life has massively improved since you lost your job. He works the same, has the same amount of money, but also has a slave.

Leave. For the love of god, leave. Your savings won't last forever then you'll be stuck. I don't know your financials you could be freelance so you can present your yearly income rather than employment I imagine for rentals, you could offer to pay a year's rent upfront. You could move in with someone else while you get a job and pay them rent.

Whatever it is, your focus needs to be on leaving. Because this man has no love or respect for you and that won't be a good future for you.

Aside from the fact that he's abusive and you should leave him, if the house is your job then paying all the bills is his, so stop paying for things.

Why you you be resentful and annoyed if he still paid 50% of the bills AND did all the household chores?

At this vulnerable time in your life he’s showing you who he really is. Believe him. And run.

Oh yes - everybody can always walk into a new job any time they want 🙄

He sounds like a cunt. This will only get worse, leave before he drags you down further.

You say " at the moment he has a job" . Is it normal then for either of both of you not to have jobs?

Sorry but you DO know.

The question is, what are you going to do about it.

As soon as you stop pretending you think he might be right, you can give this more thought.

This man does not like you. You need to understand this. Once you understand you can decide how you want to live your life and who with

My husband has been out of work for nearly a year. I treat him with the love and respect he deserves because that's what reasonable people do.

What was he like when you both worked? He isn't treating you with any respect at the moment. Why do you think he is being so horrible?

Well, this sounds like a healthy relationship. Does he have any other nice traits?

I’d be devoting even more time to finding a job and send him packing back to the 1950s.

OP, is there something nice about this relationship that you haven't divulged because otherwise I think I would answer the 'you haven't got a job' comments with 'and you haven't got a girlfriend'. Wish him a nice life and go and have one yourself. His lack of care for you is irreparable from what you have described. Where's the love in this? Sorry, OP.

Some partnership there!