Envy is the thief of joy, but…

[Swiftyintothenight]

I’ve name changed and being intentionally vague here.

One of my oldest and dearest friends has recently come into a very to large inheritance. I won’t go into detail here but I’ll just say it’s ca £30 million.

They were better off than us to begin with but we’ve been through so much together we’ve remained very close friends since uni (now middle aged.) I’m chuffed for them, it was unexpected and they are good people and are already planning how to use the money for good, discussing charities and foundations, etc.

And really I can’t think of a lovelier person for it to happen to but also it’s making me feel a bit down about my own lot. DH and I do have stable jobs but no inheritance and savings go towards home repairs. I haven’t been to the dentist in three years because it’s just a bit too much money. We both come from working class backgrounds and have been able to move upwards but also I realise how many of our peers have help from family, large inheritances, and so on, and this has just brought that into relief. I reckon I’ll be working until I’m 70.

I’m afraid I’m having a hard time communicating with my friend because I don’t want to seem bitter or jealous (although I am, a bit, though I do realise such large wealth comes with its own challenges), but it’s also hard to hear them talk about stopping work! And I also feel a bit guilty that they will be able to provide everything for their children and it’s such a struggle for us. It already seems like such a gift to be able to give your children a down payment for a house or help with education and those things are already so far away for us. We live a very frugal life and I have tried to save for the children as they get older, but the reality is that we just have very modest salaries that don’t leave much over at the end of the month.

Did they know they were going to inherit that much money? Or is it a complete surprise for them? Like lottery winners, it doesn’t always mean their future will be plain sailing or happy because of it…

I’d feel the same as you, I can’t imagine many people that wouldn’t. This friendship is valued by you both; don’t risk losing it. Im sure she won’t want to either. I would just be really honest and open with her, telling her your struggles including your financial ones, just as you always would have done.

No advice but you're entitled to your feelings and I think a lot of people would feel like you in these circumstances. Me included. I mean many people will tell you it shouldn't affect your friendship but obviously it does.

My best friend inherited money just as my life was falling apart. I got made redundant and even though it's not even anywhere near the same figures, it's definitely changed our friendship because she's changed as a person. She probably doesn't even see it.

Money does change people, regardless of how much they say they wouldn't let it.

Thank you, I suppose that’s one thing that’s troubling me, I’m worried if I’m honest about our financial situation, it will seem like a request for help. I really don’t want that!

no, she didn’t know she would be receiving this much. She thought she would inherit a small flat, which would still be valued at £200-300k so not nothing! But literally ten times less than the actual inheritance, so completely gobsmacked. I reckon it’s also a bit hard for me to hear, I just can’t fathom that many digits.

That’s a crazy amount of money, unimaginable. It’ll come with challenges though as your post shows - everyone around her will be envious and expecting a handout so maybe she won’t know who her real friends are any more.

Try to remember someone they (probably) loved very much had to die for them to get that money and they'd probably prefer to have the person rather than the money.

I don’t think there was would be anyone who wouldn’t feel a bit jealous. If it’s a shock to them, that’s probably why they keep mentioning it. If they’ve been good friends to you anyway, I wouldn’t stop seeing them. But your feelings I would say are very normal.

So she's donating to all these worthy causes but hasn't said a Dickie bird about treating her closest friends?
That's uncool on so much of a windfall.

I think it would be difficult for anyone to not feel jealous, even if you do the work, on trying to default to ‘happy for them’. We all understand how worry about money and never having enough feels - and so of course it’s not difficult to imagine she has been granted instant relief.

After, the shock I am sure that in reality coming into huge amounts of money instantly will bring its own challenges.

On a different scale to your friend's inheritance, I've 2 or 3 friends who started doing really well financially and in life generally, just as my life imploded and I lost everything. We remain good friends but I've also struggled with the same feelings you're experiencing - and still do - their good luck seems so unattainable to me.

I think its fine to take a step back while you feal with this feelings, and steer conversation into more relatable things. Hopefully as things settle down for them it'll get easier.

An aside - encourage them to donate to and invest in local community groups and charities. They're all really struggling these days, especially those that at first glance don't have the same emotional pull as others, but they are all doing absolutely vital work and support directly with individuals who are missed by larger support networks.

30 million is 100 times more than a 300,000 flat, not 10 times!

If this is truly an old and dear friend then do your best to privately wallow in envy and then just be your usual self with your friend. Hopefully money won’t change her too much but only time will tell.

But, why are they telling you, and maybe others, details of how much they have inherited etc? To coin an old phrase, to talk of money is vulgar - and such a considerable sum, if word gets out, will make them the target of friends they never knew they had begging for handouts, etc.

It’s funny because I have a very wealthy (was) good friend as a result of marrying a v high earner. I lost interest in the relationship because she was became so out of touch with normal life and people, her kids are horribly spoilt and pretty horrible if I’m honest, it’s completely ruined her. She used to be earnest and hard working but now she’s moany and expects sympathy (oh my £200k horse lorry had a problem with the engine, oh my 15 bedroom mansion takes so much tidying, etc etc)

ive now got zero interest in knowing her. It’s a shame and probably my bad but we are allowed to choose who we spend our time with.

I couldn’t imagine gaining £30m (through lotto win or inheritance) and not giving my closest friend a life changing chunk.
And I don’t have any savings or own a house so theoretically would need the full amount more than your friend.

Envy is only a sign that someone has something that you want, and is not a reflection on how you feel about the person on the whole. Money just changes the priorites and creates different issues, rather than actually solving problems. Miserable people who win the lottery are generally miserable people with more money in the end.

Having said that, it must be hard when you are going without when your friend is talking about giving money away as they are so disconnected to it. They are probably quite overwhelmed themselves and not really taking stock of what they are saying.

It would be fine to have a break for a couple of weeks while you work through your feelings and come out the other side and remember why you are friends in the first place.

my thoughts exactly

You're entitled to have your feelings. We all feel envy/jelousy. I'm sure quite a few of use would feel the same.

You are entitled to talk about your life like you have before. If she interprets that as you begging for money then it is her that has changed the relationship.

Also if her talking about her rich people problems feels too much, you can tell her that. There is a way to do it nicely. But also you can guide the conversation that when she is talking about foundations you can say "that's nice" and when she talks about your normal stuff, engage with that.

OP, I’d feel the same as you, or worse.

All you can do is try to focus on other things about your friend.

Not easy, and I’d struggle to keep seeing them quite as often.

It's challenging to navigate. I have friends who wouldnt dream of accepting such a gift - they wouldn't want it, even though financially their lives are hard.

Gifting money changes friendships considerably. If I came into a fortune like that, even though I'd want to give some to close friends I'd think extraordinarily carefully about doing so.

But then, I'd also keep it quiet in the first place.

You’ve achieved far far more. Inheritance is easy.

personally id wish them well and try to be good friends as best as, then id be praying to the money gods for millions, my personal project plans if i could get it all built and from the planning to completion and then operating costs is around 15+ billion pounds.

very true and with Inheritance , its trying to keep a balanced mindset to handle it

Possibly but maybe not at all. that's a heck of a lot of money to not be quite stunned by.

OP, how come she told you the amount? I hope she gives you a nice surprise of some of it x

Nobody has to give their friends money from their inheritance; any expectation that they should would be the end of the friendship for me.

The best advice is to keep it totally quiet. People come crawling out of the woodwork. Not sure why she told you - shock maybe.

I’m sure the inheritance tax will deal with that.

Why on earth should the friend encourage anything. It’s not their money.

Maybe they can just be a friend?