Envy is the thief of joy, but…

[Swiftyintothenight]

I’ve name changed and being intentionally vague here.

One of my oldest and dearest friends has recently come into a very to large inheritance. I won’t go into detail here but I’ll just say it’s ca £30 million.

They were better off than us to begin with but we’ve been through so much together we’ve remained very close friends since uni (now middle aged.) I’m chuffed for them, it was unexpected and they are good people and are already planning how to use the money for good, discussing charities and foundations, etc.

And really I can’t think of a lovelier person for it to happen to but also it’s making me feel a bit down about my own lot. DH and I do have stable jobs but no inheritance and savings go towards home repairs. I haven’t been to the dentist in three years because it’s just a bit too much money. We both come from working class backgrounds and have been able to move upwards but also I realise how many of our peers have help from family, large inheritances, and so on, and this has just brought that into relief. I reckon I’ll be working until I’m 70.

I’m afraid I’m having a hard time communicating with my friend because I don’t want to seem bitter or jealous (although I am, a bit, though I do realise such large wealth comes with its own challenges), but it’s also hard to hear them talk about stopping work! And I also feel a bit guilty that they will be able to provide everything for their children and it’s such a struggle for us. It already seems like such a gift to be able to give your children a down payment for a house or help with education and those things are already so far away for us. We live a very frugal life and I have tried to save for the children as they get older, but the reality is that we just have very modest salaries that don’t leave much over at the end of the month.

That sounds amazing for her and her life will obviously change beyond imagination. She will be set for life, as well as future generations.

I would try to just not think about it and get busy with things in my own life. It is so hypothetical that I don't know how I would react but I do have friends and relatives who are doing much better than us financially and I think of it as nothing to do with me really.

I wonder if you need to be honest with her, OP. Tell her you genuinely couldn’t be happier for her but you’re struggling to hear her talk about her future plans as things are so different for you. That might open a wider conversation. Of course she wants to share her excitement and talk about her plans but it’s also a bit insensitive not to consider the circumstances of the people she’s telling.

A close friend of mine became suddenly very wealthy, it made me feel awkward for a while, I kept thinking she would think I was after her money, it settled down after a bit, but when we meet I nearly always pay in case she thinks I want her dosh.

It is hard OP.

I have a very happy life but similarly a very working class upbringing and no inheritance.

I genuinely feel happy for those with generational wealth to help them but it would be great not to have to worry so much about money and future financial planning.

Like you, I’ll be working until my 70s. We earn above average salaries but it goes a lot further when you have had a leg up.

I think it's lovely your friend has someone she feels close enough to to be able to share her news. It's natural you feel envious because the amount she has inherited is so huge and it will be difficult for her to carry on with a normal life with her old friends. I think even giving gifts to friends and family is contentious because how much would you gift - a new kitchen, a car, house deposit, holiday, private health treatment? What if they didn't spend it as you hoped? I think try to carry on as you have in the past but also be honest with her and yourself about how you feel.

If I came into that sort of money I would 100% share it with my family and friends, I literally have a plan of who I would give money to. She may do the same?

Yes, there was a programme on lottery winners a while ago, where one person hadn't moved away from his home and constantly had his windows broken by jealous people, 'just for picking the right numbers once'.
Another paid off several of his friends' mortgages but they now had nothing to do with him and he wasn't sure why, whether it was embarrassment or something else, he didn't know.
The winners did say that it was hard to have what were previously normal conversations around money as they were no longer in a position to relate to their friend's issues and they felt they couldn't share their plans in case it seemed like bragging or insensitivity.
As @MrSchubertWhiskers says,tough to navigate, but I hope your friendship survives OP.

There was a young lottery winner on the radio once years ago and she wanted the lottery people to hold counseling sessions for people who win large amounts. Slightly different here as the ops friend must have known this was going to happen , but the lottery winner said it ruined her life and some friendships. It is fascinating what money can do to people and it wasn’t always good in her case. People turn against you.

Dh has a cousin who is in his 70s and is a millionaire.
He was speaking to him last night and he casually dropped into the conversation that he'd just bought his dd (in her 40s) a flat in London 😲
Then after a while said that he'd found some shares he'd forgotten about that bought years ago for £10k that are now worth circa £200k 😲
He said he doesn't need it and has nothing to spend it on 😲
I cannot imagine that kind of wealth!
He's not close to his dd at all and I imagine there is a fair amount of guilt attached to the flat purchase.
Dh just shakes his head in wonder 😃

If she’s inherited £30 m a large amount will go in inheritance tax. So she’ll be helping a lot of people there!

Her mistake was telling you. Money always sows discontent and expectation - I’ve had two inheritances worth about £400,000 and I haven’t even told my grown up children the amount. I gave them a substantial gift each and am happy to pay for things as and when but I feel it’s really negative for them to have expectations or make assumptions because I’ve had the inheritance.

I have to say too that, other than immediate family, I wouldn’t be giving out sums of money. Where does that end? How much is reasonable? Do they keep coming back whenever they’re short? That would damage relationships for ever. I’d feel used and they’d still feel resentful. ‘Only £10,000 to help me out? But you could easily afford £20,000’. ‘But you gave Cousin Joan £5,000. Why not me?’

Envy is the thief of joy and all that. You can only live your life and she can only live hers. You have no idea if she doesn’t envy you your DC, DH, family, job etc etc. What you feel is understandable but you need to move on. And never talk about money.

Health is wealth, OP. I know - it's such a cliche, but so true.

I'd give back £30m to have rude health again, and rewind to over a decade ago before I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome then was permanently injured by an off label antipsychotic that gave me a movement disorder 💔😓

I honestly think all the money in the world wouldn't be better than having great health. I'm biased, obviously, but it seems that way to me.

@Swiftyintothenight Although I reckon if I were in her place, I’d give large sums to my family and closest friends.

I think this is the tricky part. You know YOU would have given some to family and friends (so would I btw) but the fact that your friend choses not to do so will change the way you perceive her..

What you’re feeling is very natural, I would be jealous too, because to me even million pounds would sort my life out, let alone 30.

I just don’t get this attitude. Death is a part of life and so if someone elderly dies and leaves an inheritance, why not enjoy that whilst also remembering and appreciating your loved one?

Of course it’s different if someone dies tragically young but that’s not in discussion here.

I think most are saying that they would give money to friends, not that they expect friends to give them money. I think there is a difference.

If I had a friend that inherited that much money, who was a close friend, who didn’t offer to make my life a bit easier in some way financially, I’d not really like them anymore. It’s selfish and thoughtless. Their friend group will shift if they are now rolling in money and not sharing any of it.

Wow.

I think the complete opposite.

If my friend won or inherited that amount of money, my thoughts would be that the money does not belong to me, and I have absolutely no claim or entitlement over it whatsoever, just bc we are friends. It wouldn’t occur to me to expect gifts!

Neither does my friend have any obligation to give me any money. Hopefully our friendship has nothing to do with money and I would like to keep it that way.

The money is for my friend and her family alone.

Comparing yourself with people who have inherited £30M even if you know them well is not helpful. No one inherits this kind of money without knowing they have expectations- it will not have been a shock.
Enjoy the life you have built, and be thankful for what you have and have worked for.

It's a crazy amount for the person was has inherited to not have been aware of how wealthy their relative was. I can understand someone old great aunt who always lived a frugal life but inhered from several relatives over her life,having a million or more in her bank but 30 millions is a lot!

Everyone has different types of friendships. Mine arent very compartmentalised or superficial and are like family.

I think the key word there is “like” family.

You are not actually related.

That distinction is very important when it comes to money, especially if the friend who inherits has children of their own.

Agree. Charity starts at home.

OP this is such a large unimaginable sum I would view this situation with a sort of amusement, the sort of feeling you have when you hear of insane lottery wins. I would also try and separate this windfall from the person if you want to preserve the friendship. It’s hard but you’d have to consciously keep thinking the friend is still the person you’ve always known, despite this unforeseen circumstance.

There's nothing you can do about jealousy apart from recognizing it, naming it (which you are doing) and reminding yourself it's not logical, it's not healthy and it's not OK. Eventually the feelings will go away.

Perhaps writing it all down, your circumstances vs hers, your dental appointments etc, helps make sense of it and helps you work through the feelings, in which case that's great the internet is an outlet for you. But if by writing this down and setting it out like this it's making it feel more logical or reasonable you should be feeling this way, I'd stop. Because there is nothing logical about jealousy, it's not a rational or helpful feeling.

Some people are born very gorgeous (thank you Zendaya).
Some people are born talented
Some people are born with horrible degenerative diseases and die young and in pain
Some people are born rich
Some people are born in the slums of south-asian cities and their concept of 'poverty' is dying of preventable diseases from dirty drinking water
Some people win the lottery

It's just chance. Your circumstances, your dental appointments etc mean nothing. It's just the universe gave your mate an inheritance and you didn't get one. I just think perspective on these things is important if you don't want this to drive you crazy.

Guess if she got in early on Microsoft or Apple stock? It's totally possible.

Well so would I but from following mumsnet for a while I gather the general consensus amongst people is that windfalls should be reserved for the recipient and their immediate family.