Envy is the thief of joy, but…

[Swiftyintothenight]

I’ve name changed and being intentionally vague here.

One of my oldest and dearest friends has recently come into a very to large inheritance. I won’t go into detail here but I’ll just say it’s ca £30 million.

They were better off than us to begin with but we’ve been through so much together we’ve remained very close friends since uni (now middle aged.) I’m chuffed for them, it was unexpected and they are good people and are already planning how to use the money for good, discussing charities and foundations, etc.

And really I can’t think of a lovelier person for it to happen to but also it’s making me feel a bit down about my own lot. DH and I do have stable jobs but no inheritance and savings go towards home repairs. I haven’t been to the dentist in three years because it’s just a bit too much money. We both come from working class backgrounds and have been able to move upwards but also I realise how many of our peers have help from family, large inheritances, and so on, and this has just brought that into relief. I reckon I’ll be working until I’m 70.

I’m afraid I’m having a hard time communicating with my friend because I don’t want to seem bitter or jealous (although I am, a bit, though I do realise such large wealth comes with its own challenges), but it’s also hard to hear them talk about stopping work! And I also feel a bit guilty that they will be able to provide everything for their children and it’s such a struggle for us. It already seems like such a gift to be able to give your children a down payment for a house or help with education and those things are already so far away for us. We live a very frugal life and I have tried to save for the children as they get older, but the reality is that we just have very modest salaries that don’t leave much over at the end of the month.

I have a really dear friend of over 30 years,we’ve been through marriage divorce pregnancy babies teens and young adults together.

we both started out as single young mums together and her and her family will always have a special place in my heart because even though we don’t get to meet up often due to life she is still my best friend.

our kids are all really close aswell

if if I had that amount of money in an hand on my heart say she would be the first person I would be giving a life changing sum to.

me and dh have always had better paying jobs etc than them and unfortunately her dh became unwell so can’t work anymore.

30 million??!

I cannot for the life of me imagine not helping my oldest and dearest friends out with that much money.

No one individual needs that much money. But then plenty don't, we are an incredibly selfish species.

That's an insane an amount of money to not to do some good with.

@Swiftyintothenight I think its important to remember that your friend might be scared of giving money to friends, you included, because of the precedent it sets and the way it changes dynamics.

Jealousy is normal. Most of us don't live in any way adjacent to so much wealth, when it appears in our vicinity its natural to think that some of it might / could find its way to you - it's the fantasy. The trick is to think of it as something nothing to do with you. Her life has changed, yours hasn't. Might not hurt to ask her to stop talking about it for a while.

^This. I have an agreement with a friend that if either of us wins big, we’ll give 1% to the other person.

Give her a chance.

Hi op it’s ok to feel this way I hope it doesn’t affect your relationship as you sound good for each other. You can’t help worrying about money and your future you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t it’s life. Op going forward when you are out still offer half as you did before let’s hope this doesn’t change her. Did your friend know your money worries before this happened? You never know once the shock has worn off she might give you something or treat you but don’t avoid her over money as it really is the root of all evil. Somebody did have to die for her to get this money.

That's ridiculous! Her friends aren't automatically entitled to her money because they are friends. If she chooses to treat them etc then that's different, what an entitled mentality ugh

Sorry if it wasn’t clear, I’m not expecting any money nor would I ever ask! It’s just that I’m sort of in shock by how much they now have and how much distance there is now between our situations. It’s incomprehensible really. I do understand it comes with its own burdens (death, grabby people, lifestyle change, etc). But I suppose I’ve just been thinking recently about how difference between DH and I (who have no inheritances) are widening as friends begin to get generous inheritances or gifts from family whilst we haven’t and won’t had anything. And then to have one of my dearest and oldest mates inherit such a massive estate is simply mind boggling.

And that’s fair enough, it’s not you, it’s other posters, people posting are actually jealous of her money snd want you to feel entitled to it.

The tone of many of those posts is “I’m appalled that someone else wouldn't be as generous as me”. They see is as “the right thing to do” so they would in fact expect handouts.

This. It’s easy to be generous with money you don’t have, and declare what you’d do in a situation you’re not actually in, and unlikely to be in. Very ‘I’m not saying you should feel entitled to it, but if she doesn’t give you money then she’s neither a good friend nor person’.

Then there’s ’yes, she’s got money, but she didn’t do anything to earn it so it somehow counts?/means? less, plus she’s probably secretly miserable about something.

Oh, and in all the anecdotes when a friendship between two people breaks apart due to financial differences, it’s always the fault of the wealthier person that ‘changed’, and never the fault of the poorer one that certainly never demonstrated envy and resentment.

All fairly standard when it comes to Mumsnet threads about wealthy friends and/or family though.

I think I would feel a bit sick if I inherited that kind of money, and full of angst about doing the right thing with it. Fortunately I am not at risk of that happening.

Yes I can’t get my head round it, people are posting like they are jealous just reading about it and think of they were the op they’d want her money, I get money is tight right now, but it’s so distasteful

and it is always the ones with their hands out who say if it was me I’d be generous, as a way to justify why they have their hands out.

but it is never them,

I agree @Brightlittlecanary. The irony is right now many posters probably have a friend or two that are in a worse financial situation than them and never thought to give them a handout. Giving money to friends isn't a done thing when a person earns it themselves so why should it be different when they inherit.

@Swiftyintothenight, im going to ask and you probably wont answer. But how on earth did your friend inherit £30million?? I mean, if thats in her family, she cant be skint herself? Did someone leave her a business or something?

Not the same at all. Most of us have friends that are better off than us, or less well off. We dont help each other out cos thats just how life goes and we all know it.
But if your friend had £30million!!!! I mean thats a whole other league.

This. I inherited when my Mum died but I'd give everything I have to have her back even for 1 year. People forget this and just see the money.

Wow that is crazy money.

I heard that when we are jealous, it's just highlighting what we actually want...like to have a college fund for our kids or a reliable car or whatever. Uanbu to be jealous at all, I'd say most of us would be. But is there anything you can do as a family to get to a level of comfort? Like maybe there's not...but maybe there's a promotion or upskilling or something that could actually get you to that place.

I would also judge her for not considering her best friend and even offering a few thousand for you to put away for your children. But maybe that just messes with friendships. Maybe you feel indebted.

I wonder if that was her attempt to stay normal for you, as in, I have problems too?