Envy is the thief of joy, but…

[Swiftyintothenight]

I’ve name changed and being intentionally vague here.

One of my oldest and dearest friends has recently come into a very to large inheritance. I won’t go into detail here but I’ll just say it’s ca £30 million.

They were better off than us to begin with but we’ve been through so much together we’ve remained very close friends since uni (now middle aged.) I’m chuffed for them, it was unexpected and they are good people and are already planning how to use the money for good, discussing charities and foundations, etc.

And really I can’t think of a lovelier person for it to happen to but also it’s making me feel a bit down about my own lot. DH and I do have stable jobs but no inheritance and savings go towards home repairs. I haven’t been to the dentist in three years because it’s just a bit too much money. We both come from working class backgrounds and have been able to move upwards but also I realise how many of our peers have help from family, large inheritances, and so on, and this has just brought that into relief. I reckon I’ll be working until I’m 70.

I’m afraid I’m having a hard time communicating with my friend because I don’t want to seem bitter or jealous (although I am, a bit, though I do realise such large wealth comes with its own challenges), but it’s also hard to hear them talk about stopping work! And I also feel a bit guilty that they will be able to provide everything for their children and it’s such a struggle for us. It already seems like such a gift to be able to give your children a down payment for a house or help with education and those things are already so far away for us. We live a very frugal life and I have tried to save for the children as they get older, but the reality is that we just have very modest salaries that don’t leave much over at the end of the month.

I feel very sorry for your friend. She is grieving someone she presumably loved and is dealing with a life changing adjustment and no matter what she does, people are now going to judge her. Through no fault of her own she is going to lose friends and face judgement based on people’s inaccurate opinions of what they would do in the same situation as if anything else is wrong.

This thread is probably a fairly accurate reflection of the opinions she will face in real life and she already has people thinking she’s selfish for not sharing with her friends, saying that she shouldn’t tell anyone and therefore should be isolated and alone in dealing with her life change, jealousy from people who are meant to be her friends, and opinions on how and what sort of charities she should donate to. No matter who she chooses to help or how much she chooses to share she is going to face judgement and criticism based on either other peoples jealousy or their belief that they would make better choices. Even if she does give money to her friends she will get people complaining about the amount or the timing or which people she feels close enough to to share with.

A sum like that is a curse as much as a blessing and I hope she doesn’t share a penny with her friends until she’s found out who the real ones are. Real friends will support her choices even if they quietly disagree. while recognising the challenges she now faces and offering sympathy and support.

A small amount of jealousy is to be expected, but jealousy is ugly and should be checked. Anyone who allows their jealousy to become bigger than their love and support for their friend was never truly a real friend and doesn’t deserve any consideration. I hope this person waits to find out who her genuine friends are before offering any help.

You have no idea if that is true or not. If OP and her friend met at university and are now middle aged, a recent inheritance is no reflection of how much either of them have achieved personally.

Yet here you are putting the friend down and assuming she can’t have achieved anything for herself just because some other rich person made her a beneficiary of their will.

Large inheritances are
clearly not easy!

She should NOT have told you about this. Absolutely not, unless she was planning to flick you a million.

As she's clearly not planning that she should have kept it to herself.

We're all only human, people pretending that watching someone you are close to become a multi millionaire while you struggle to pay for a dental visit would not make them feel like shit are liars.

It's all still new to you now, you might be able to move past your normal feelings of envy in a while.

Thank you everyone for being supportive, I honestly didn’t know if people would judge me for being jealous. It is quite a large sum.

I am surprised that people think I should expect something from her. I wouldn’t expect anything and am already fretting over the next time we’re at a pub together. We’ve always shared everything, will that feel different now? I’m worried I’ll feel the need to prove myself as a real friend and not assume a round is on her!
Although I reckon if I were in her place, I’d give large sums to my family and closest friends. But of course I don’t expect that from her or judge her for not offering.

She shared the news and details with me, I reckon, because we’ve always been each others confidantes, so I suppose she thought she could trust me. (I have been gracious thus far but it is weighing heavily on my mind to be honest)

I can imagine it’ll be an awkward friendship now.
It will change them because money always does. Not being cynical here , best to tread carefully op.

Firstly, she can do what she wants with her money
Secondly, she most likely will assist close friends . Give the woman a chance for ffs
This is the issue, some people feel entitled to
other people’s money particularly money that is inherited

I have no idea why people expect to basically give her money away. I wouldn’t think to do that. If the friends fell out with me then they weren’t friends to begin with. Just money grabbers.

Op, she obviously trusts you
I know it is difficult but try not to let this ruin your friendship . Good friends are hard to find and she is going to need you .
Managing that kind of money is not an easy feat

She shouldn’t have told you the amount, I think most people would feel like you are now OP and you sound like a nice sensible person who wants to be pleased for their friend but who also has their own worries about money to contend with. All these thoughts take a bit of time to get used to so don’t do anything in a rush would be my advice.

That amount of money changes lives but also changes relationships, not always for the better.

Stories about people winning life-changing amounts of money on the lottery are not always the happily ever after. Sometimes it is the opposite.

Your feelings are understandable. How your friend and you navigate your friendship from now on will totally depend on whether you allow money to get in the way. I feel sorry for your friend in some ways as with that amount of money comes judgement. How she spends her money will be judged harshly - just look at this thread!

Yes, I reckon that’s why she confided in me. As I mentioned we’ve always been close and shared/discussed everything. I think it’s noble that she wants to do good things with money, to be fair, it will go a lot farther if they, for example, fund children’s cancer research or build a new wing of a hospital or university, than if they pay for my kitchen reno or cavity filling! And, emphatically, I don’t expect that at all, and I don’t feel entitled to it. It’s just that it’s such a massive amount that I feel a bit down about our own financial circumstances.

I suppose we’ve always shared things equally so perhaps this is why she’s trusted me with the information. Also because it was a shock and we’ve always turned to each other whenever we’ve had something to work out.

I can guarantee that if you ever become seriously ill or a loved one becomes seriously ill, this all becomes irrelevant.

Or, much more likely, she wanted to brag to someone and she chose you as someone safe to brag to.

It is absolutely, completely and totally normal to feel envy when you cannot afford a dental visit and she's boasting about being a multi millionaire.

You may be able to move on from feeling envious after a while, but your feelings are absolutely normal and anyone pretending they wouldn't feel even a twinge of envy is a liar.

And whether it changes your friendship does not at all just depend on whether you can get over. She'll be doing different, much more expensive things now, you won't be able to relate or go with her or understand how she's feeling about spending her multi millions, her lifestyle will change in ways you cannot enjoy, partake in or even really appreciate.

And if she's not planning to splurge (and she will) she certainly didn't have to tell you, did she?

She should have hidden her multi millions from everyone, if her plan was just to get on with life as normal.

Although, to be fair, if she plans to change her life dramatically (and she will) I suppose she had to tell you as you'll soon see evidence of it.

Bottom line, the more I think of it, the more I think the friendship has reached its close.

I've always said if I won many millions I'd give my two closest friends a million each. I think I would at least. And the reason, as well as an impulse to be generous, would be that I could never enjoy the money if I knew they were struggling, and I would like the people who loved me before I was super wealthy to be able to share in my life without always feeling like the pauper on the outside.

I guess she's not like me.

She should have kept this to herself. I get that she may want to share the news with you as her friend but how would sharing that and her plans for the money to be anything other than rubbing your face in it?! Controversial perhaps, but if she felt she had to share the news with you as such a close friend to unburden herself, you would think she would think about sharing some cash at the same time.

If I was in that situation (I won’t be) I’m not sure I’d share the exact details but those who would have some idea would be those getting a gift coming their way. I would otherwise avoid discussions around money and lifestyle changes because unless everyone else has that kind of money it’s going to be contentious!

If i inherited 30 mil id be giving large amounts to family and friends no fun having money if everyone around you has no money as they won't be able to do the things you want to do.

So from her perspective she’s got a really good friend she presumably knows has financial struggles as if you’re good friends it’s bound to have come up over the years.

She now has 30 MILLION POUNDS and she hasn’t considered you in the list of people to help out including random charities etc? she doesn’t sound like a good friend, because i’d of helped out my nearest and dearest before i’d even consider charities.

She sees you as a good and close friend Op, why don't you just speak to her, tell her you've been a bit rocked by her good news but you don't want it to spoil your friendship.

I would feel the same. I feel vaguely resentful when I read of this kind of thing happening even to strangers, let alone someone I know, especially if they're saying "Oooh, I won't let it change my life!" - fine, then give it to someone who it will be life-changing for.

I think it's worse when it really is a 'silly' amount of money, and you think 'A small fraction of that would solve so many of my problems'.

Objectively I don't think your friend should feel obliged to give you a handout - just because there are probably lots of people in her life who would value one, and where does it end? The sensible approach for someone wanting to be philanthropic is to donate money to a charity, if you can be confident it's one where the money will go where it can genuinely make a difference - and will go to people who are in a worse situation than friends/family.

I think, over time, if your friendship continues along the same lines, you will get used to this and it will sting less. If your friend's lifestyle vastly changes and moves out of your reach, it might put distance between you, but that ball is in her court.

If I was your friend OP I would give my true friends a share of my good fortune. I would hate for a friend to struggle whilst I sit and on what to do with my millions and I would like to change peoples lives as much as possible. Donating to charities is one thing (although some of them are so badly run I don’t think much of the money makes its way to those who need it, so picking wisely would be imperative ) but changing the lives of people who have been there for you would be important to me.
However people have very different views on money and so all you can do is remind yourself it’s her good fortune and you have done really well to be in the position you are in through hard work.

Friends of my parents won Euromillions (not sure of the exact amount but it was more than 30 million). They have been very generous and gave some money to my parents, I think it was about 100K. It wouldn’t have occurred to them not to treat good friends and share what they could. I would share good fortune like that with friends. I know they don’t have to give you anything and they may feel awkward about offering but it seems pretty insensitive not to even suggest they could gift you something to help you out. They may do so in time.

Sadly, this is going to change your friendship. How can it not? She's gone from ordinarily comfortable to super rich overnight. With £30 million they will no doubt buy a new house, new cars, they will go on fabulous holidays, fly first class - and they will get new friends with a similar level of wealth. Their life is going to change beyond all recognition and very soon the two of you will have nothing in common any more. I don't believe for a second that they will give it all to charity. Right now they're reeling and can't imagine what that kind of wealth looks or feels like, but they'll get over it and they will start to think about how this could change their lives for the better. I mean, who wouldn't want to be able to afford anything they wanted? They haven't even got their heads around what that kind of money can buy yet.

How do posters know that OP’s friend will not help friends and family out ?.
She is probably processing the amount of money
I am by no means wealthy , but when dh and I started a business which did well , everyone and their dog had an opinion on what we should do with OUR money .
It really grates

@SaraHoliday

I can guarantee that if you ever become seriously ill or a loved one becomes seriously ill, this all becomes irrelevant.

Nailed it

Similar except it's my sister and she earned it through professional success rather than an inheritance. I posted about it at the time. She has never given me a penny and I have never asked for anything. I'm proud of her and I don't want her hard-earned money. She deserves all of it and more. She's since gone through a pretty horrible divorce so I'm just pleased she and her children will continue to be financially secure.

Put it this way. I would pay a million pounds to have a certain someone standing in front of me once again. I wouldn't even think about it. Compared to human life, money is totally valueless