Envy is the thief of joy, but…

[Swiftyintothenight]

I’ve name changed and being intentionally vague here.

One of my oldest and dearest friends has recently come into a very to large inheritance. I won’t go into detail here but I’ll just say it’s ca £30 million.

They were better off than us to begin with but we’ve been through so much together we’ve remained very close friends since uni (now middle aged.) I’m chuffed for them, it was unexpected and they are good people and are already planning how to use the money for good, discussing charities and foundations, etc.

And really I can’t think of a lovelier person for it to happen to but also it’s making me feel a bit down about my own lot. DH and I do have stable jobs but no inheritance and savings go towards home repairs. I haven’t been to the dentist in three years because it’s just a bit too much money. We both come from working class backgrounds and have been able to move upwards but also I realise how many of our peers have help from family, large inheritances, and so on, and this has just brought that into relief. I reckon I’ll be working until I’m 70.

I’m afraid I’m having a hard time communicating with my friend because I don’t want to seem bitter or jealous (although I am, a bit, though I do realise such large wealth comes with its own challenges), but it’s also hard to hear them talk about stopping work! And I also feel a bit guilty that they will be able to provide everything for their children and it’s such a struggle for us. It already seems like such a gift to be able to give your children a down payment for a house or help with education and those things are already so far away for us. We live a very frugal life and I have tried to save for the children as they get older, but the reality is that we just have very modest salaries that don’t leave much over at the end of the month.

appalled but not surprised people think you should have your hand out and she should be giving you money. It’s so grabby on here sometimes it’s tragic.

you know you’re not entitled to her money. Please do not ask for it or start hinting, your friendship will be over. As it should be.

and don’t start with if it was mine I’d give my mates it. You’re only saying thay as you want some of her money. People who habe their hand out always say that. And everyone knows it.

if you can’t be happy for her and get over the jealousy then end the frienship, which will be a shame.

No the general consensus is you’re not entitled to someone else’s money just as you want it and it’s up to the person what fhey do with their own money,

Wow that’s so grabby you should be ashamed.

I think she will gift you something. I would without a doubt pay uni fees/ nursery invoices/ first cars for nearest and dearest.

But it’s not you.

No i get that. But I also think its false to think grabby people only say as such. I had a small windfall - NOTHING near 30million but still gifted all my cousins several £100s in gift cards. As well as friends and other family. Paid for a small number of birthday events etc. I kept a small sum - (5k) and that was it. I rented a small 1 bed at the time.

Money is just a means to an end. To make us more comfortable and happy right? Well for most people making their loved ones happy makes them happy.

I think you just need to wait and see if the money changes her. It does some people, but not others.

A couple of years ago one of my close friends inherited about £20m. To be fair, she always knew she was going to inherit about that amount.

But she’s not interested in money, never has been. In fact it stresses her out. She saw a financial advisor, he tied it all up in various investments and set up some trust funds for her kids and she doesn’t think about it now. Her life and our friendship has just carried on as before.

Again , politely, it is not you, and what you did is irrelevant.

I think what the poster was saying was that she’d simply rather have the person there than the money.

A friend of my mum had similar inheritance - mum doesn't feel envy of her anymore as her daughter died of cancer in her 30s, and her son has a complicated private life with various grandchildren she has no access to (her son doesn't bother). I don't know where I'm going with this, but try to be grateful with what you have. Everything changes all the time, and money doesn't make you immune to tragedies.

Inheritance changed my best friend from school beyond all recognition. We drifted apart as I couldn't afford the days out/weekends away that she wanted to do so she found friends who could, and seeing her a few years ago at a school reunion just made me want to cry. She lives off a trust fund, neither she nor her DH work, they live on an Instagram worthy farm/estate with no mortgage and they "run" a hobby business which she constantly pumps money into. Kids at private schools and 8 week summer vacations travelling around the US or Europe, Christmas in the southern hemisphere sort of thing. It's a whole life I have no reference to.

With that much money, you can afford to be generous to people by your side you’ve grown up with. If you choose not to be, like I said, your friend group would shift.

I really do hope so. OP surely she will gift something to you. Has the money come through yet?

Are you recommending shame? Haha. What a retort. Good luck with the guilt tripping.

Only if they are grabby jealous people. Who feel entitled to their friends money.

I have some friends who are mega wealthy - either generationally wealthy or have made a lot of money through their own hard work. Should they be giving me some of that money then? According to some on here, I should have a share. Why should they get to keep it all - they need to give to people around them?

See how ridiculous this sounds.

I feel for you because it’s a jaw dropping amount of money. So hard when you’re scraping by.

I’ve relatives who are wealthy. I don’t begrudge it but whilst they worked for it, they didn’t in reality work harder than most people. I know people who work harder in menial jobs. What happened was that they were extraordinarily lucky and were able to build up a property business at a time when property was considerably cheaper than it is now and they were pushed into doing that because one of them was made redundant and so they started their own business.

I also know a family who by good luck bought a property in a part of London that just skyrocketed in house prices. Then inherited from a family business. I often feel a bit of a failure.

Honestly? Good luck to her, money brings it's own problems but if it's eating your happiness and tell her you love her but your lives are too different. It's a horrible thing for you to lose a friend but, in this case, it's going to come between you anyway. Good luck.

You aren't a failure @HoppityBun.
You aren't to blame for not having the chances orhers had.

If rhe ops friend did actually inherit 30million rather than 3 million, I dont think its unreasonable to think she might help her friends out.
I think everyone here is imagining if we suddenly had 30million, who we would gladly help.
But its definitely crass expecting the help, its certainly not a given.

It’s actively wanting her money thays the issue and poster saying if they ddint get it they would end the friendship. It’s awful

But how much would someone expect? If the newly-rich friend gave the OP, say, £10 grand, would they be disappointed? Would they think, Huh, they can afford £250k! Would the OP be looking askance at how the friend spent their new-found wealth, or judging their philanthropic choices?

I hasn’t expected so many replies, appreciate all of the opinions and support. I’ve been feeling wretched about my jealousy as she is such a dear friend, so I appreciate all of the kind words here.

For clarity, it is £30 (thirty) million pounds, not £3 million.

You don't know what's round the corner for them. Health wise etc. When do people realise there is much more in life than money?
Don't be jealous, it's unattractive and she will suss you.

If I came into this much I would certainly share it with a close friend