Envy is the thief of joy, but…

[Swiftyintothenight]

I’ve name changed and being intentionally vague here.

One of my oldest and dearest friends has recently come into a very to large inheritance. I won’t go into detail here but I’ll just say it’s ca £30 million.

They were better off than us to begin with but we’ve been through so much together we’ve remained very close friends since uni (now middle aged.) I’m chuffed for them, it was unexpected and they are good people and are already planning how to use the money for good, discussing charities and foundations, etc.

And really I can’t think of a lovelier person for it to happen to but also it’s making me feel a bit down about my own lot. DH and I do have stable jobs but no inheritance and savings go towards home repairs. I haven’t been to the dentist in three years because it’s just a bit too much money. We both come from working class backgrounds and have been able to move upwards but also I realise how many of our peers have help from family, large inheritances, and so on, and this has just brought that into relief. I reckon I’ll be working until I’m 70.

I’m afraid I’m having a hard time communicating with my friend because I don’t want to seem bitter or jealous (although I am, a bit, though I do realise such large wealth comes with its own challenges), but it’s also hard to hear them talk about stopping work! And I also feel a bit guilty that they will be able to provide everything for their children and it’s such a struggle for us. It already seems like such a gift to be able to give your children a down payment for a house or help with education and those things are already so far away for us. We live a very frugal life and I have tried to save for the children as they get older, but the reality is that we just have very modest salaries that don’t leave much over at the end of the month.

Thanks x

I've got to nail something every now and then x

Was it a close family member that died op? People describe inheritance as a lottery win but it isn’t really, if someone close to me died and I got rich out of it I think (hope) I’d still wish that person was in my life (although I know they might not even have known the person!)

I also think weirdly it should be easier for you not to be envious- if normal people like us had friends who won enough to move out of lower circumstances I think then I’d wistfully ah I’d love to be able to afford not to have to do x or y, but with huge money it’s just like well that is and was never going to happen to me- wow for them- basically you can’t even fathom that people would have that money!! I think hugs, keep on keeping on, count your blessings (and I mean that as someone who today will have to ring the electric company to haggle because we couldn’t pay our bill but I’m thinking at least we can pay some back pay day etc) but also again hugs op. She sounds nice, try not to talk money too much with her x

If you do think you'll act bitter or jealous then it's good to take step back.

I bet she wished she never told you though. As she's done nothing wrong and now you're distancing yourself from her. Surely that's just as bad as ditching a friend when they suddenly become broke?

I'd say most people would feel like you do. It's almost impossible not to. My advice would be to accept your feelings and separate them from your friend, and allow yourself some time to process a bit. Be good to your friend and hope she doesn't change. I think she will have a whole new set of problems that you can't help her with so there will be times when you feel more distant. Unfortunately she will have a lot of people thinking badly of her now, already on this anonymous thread, because of how she chooses to spend the money.

I'm curious. Do people really expect people who've suddenly come into a lot of money to share it with friends?
It wouldn't enter my mind to do this. I'd definitely treat close friends eg something all together like holidays, days out etc but just handing over cash is weird.

So she didn't know the person had that much money? Or she did but didn't think it would go to her?

If it's the former then that's itself a huge thing to get her head round, if it's a close relative. I know someone who discovered after their dad's death that their elderly parents - who scrimped, wouldn't put the heating on, wouldn't contemplate any paid help so had adult kids run ragged around them, wouldn't eat out unless someone else paid, had never offered to help their family even in financial emergencies - were multimillionaires (in cash, not just equity). It was quite a complicated thing to get her head round emotionally. She didn't inherit at the same time because her mum is still alive, but if she had I imagine it would have taken quite a while before she could even start to think about what to do with the money.

I understand why this would be hard and you shouldn't feel guilty. I think it's natural to have pangs of jealousy about things much smaller than this. I think, over time, it may end up being hard to stay as close as her life will become so so different to yours. I guess it depends largely on how aware she remains of the differences in what your lives will be like and makes sure she doesn't moan about financial things around you!

I'm not sure I agree with the posters who say things like, I bet she would give it all back to have X alive again as if it's really wrong to be jealous of inheritances. We all lose people in our lives. Generally, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles etc. die before the younger generations and unless a death is very before it's time or tragic it is beneficial to come out the other side of it having inherited (£30 million) than nothing. Saying you feel envious isn't the same as saying you wish one of your own family members would die.

Maybe she's quietly working it out

I'm sure your friend will be going through exactly the same thoughts, but from the other end of the scale. Try not to forsee problems. I think your friend would like you to enjoy her good fortune with her in the future. I know I would want to treat my best friends, if they would let me.

Yes, I agree. How awkward would it be for a friend to just give you a load of money!

OP, your response is quite natural. Everyone knows that we can be quite happy with what we have and how we live (provided the basics are covered of course) if other people live the same way. Problems arise when the people around us suddenly have a very different life.

And yes, money does change people. It is very difficult to have a normal friendship with someone whose daily life is so different. E.g. you are struggling to find a new job at 60 to pay the bills while they are pottering around in their countryside mansion.

Christ, OP, I'd really struggle with this too. That's monumental. If it was me I'd be looking after my closest family and friends and it must be a poisoned chalice in some ways, but still. Not much you can do but I would feel the same as you.

I think you need to allocate a limited time to "feel" those feelings, which as PPs have said you're absolutely entitled to, then you need to try and shift your focus on to your life and your blessings. What's the alternative? Everytime you can't afford something to wish "if only I had some of Sarah's money?". That's no way to live, and will affect you, never mind your friendship.
There's always someone, richer, smarter, taller, thinner - whatever it is people feel is missing from their lives and as a society we need to learn to deal with this better.
She's also excited about her new projects and it sounds like you need some (cheaper) projects of your own to shift your focus. Even something random like researching our family history, Couch to 5k, volunteering - whatever you can fit into your life. That way you have something fresh to bring to the friendship instead of always feeling quietly envious. And as a good friend, she'll enjoy hearing about your new projects (and if she doesn't, then you know where you are with her).

I’m a bit surprised by the number of posters in this thread who appear to think that if their friends come into money that they are entitled to some of it!

This is exactly why you shouldn’t ever discuss money with your friends.

OP as this thread demonstrates your friend is likely to lose friends over her inheritance.
If I were you I’d make sure I was the one person who didn’t ask her for anything and didn’t treat her any differently.

If she gained that amount of wealth and immediately started talking about a charitable foundation rather than spending it on a mansion or yacht I’d think that was a good, kind person and one I’d value as a friend.

I wouldn’t take money from my best friends and they wouldn’t take it from me.

I think you're showing a great deal of self-awareness and honesty about some very natural feelings, and I think that's a good thing.

OP, are you sure it’s £30m and not £3m? Because £30m is obviously a huge amount and would be a major property portfolio as opposed to say one central London flat.

I have an old friend who has the luck of old Nick, inheriting left, right and centre from random old relatives she barely knew who had never married. It is galling as she has bought her dcs a flat each. My only very meagre consolation was noticing she had a long, untamed chin hair when we last met up.

When (when) I win the Euromillions I shall tell no one… I shall do good by stealth.

I can't get past a £30 million inheritance - did I read that right? It's an incredible amount of money to have, let alone to inherit by surprise, or at all. I mean it's life changing for several generations. It's also an ethical and financial mind-f@*k on so many levels. I am overwhelmed thinking about it and it's not even my friend!

The questions around dealing with that amount of money are enormous. Also the guilt and conflicts - give it away? support people but who and how much, what to keep and how to use it? How to invest? How not to be a dick? How to deal with jealousy and expectation? Who to consult, who to tell, who to trust? Who even would you be with that amount of cash? What is need and what is want? What is the "right" thing to do?

If things are hard atm, it's difficult not to be envious and it's a really odd situation to navigate for you, but the issue here for me is how she changes in relation to you and her life. While money may make things easier to some extent, it often doesn't make people better, nor the people around them. So while her material situation may improve, other things may become worse.

This.
I went through s bitter divorce and was awarded a large sum. I didn’t tell friends the amount for the reason others have stated, but it did change some friendships as they made assumptions and asked for money.

Im not that much younger than you @Swiftyintothenight, and im finding at my age, inheritance is the great divider. Most of my friends and relatives were very similar to us, working away and getting by, an older car and maybe one holiday every other year. I lost my parents first and had to deal with that, dhs parents died too not long after. Because they all lived in council housing there was no inheritance at all. It is what it is. Then my friends parents started passing away too, but as their parents owned homes, there were inheritances that made life more comfortable, gave them choices they didn't have before, enabled their kids to get a house deposit without saving. And I could only watch all this with a teeny bit of envy, like you.
Now obviously we'd all give anything to have our mum and dad back, even for just a day. Everyone grieved their parents terribly. But theres no denying the money inheritance brings ,in middle age, is very useful, and can make a huge difference in your remaining years.

I would give friends and relatives a decent amount if this me that was given that amount.

I think there is probably a while to wait with probate etc and op’s friend has to process this all before actually being in receipt of funds because they will be living off the interest I imagine?

And op’s friend will need to find the right people to advise about how to manage this amount of money, where to invest and how to structure the bulk of it, before they receive monthly amounts to live on and can make purchases and treat friends etc.

Also, I think it’s a very awkward thing treating friends because it changes the nature of the relationship. Some friends absolutely do not want to be treated.

Finally op, I just wanted to say that I completely understand how you are feeling and anyone would feel the same way. That sum will change the nature of your relationship.

I would try and retain the friendship though and meet up as you once did and continue the same way if you can, because the money will be a burden for them too, and your friend will need you and all the friends she has pre-inheritance.

There are many difficult things about becoming immensely wealthy believe it or not!

First, old friends become jealous.

And you are suspicious of the motives of new friends.

You become the target of lots of difficult demands from family and friends. And colleagues. And people you don’t know.

Satisfaction in life comes from striving and once you have it all you are faced with stark questions such as who am I and what do I really want if money were no object?

Many marriages do not survive questions if this sort of inheritances of this magnitude.

This amount of money means you can travel anywhere, and own a few homes and couples can afford to live separately and after a while, that becomes a habit!

And your friend may be wise and keep the money away from their dc, but it’s very difficult for children too, knowing that they don’t have to strive for anything really and they may struggle finding purpose. I know two adult men who live off trust funds and they both suffer from arrested development. They have never had to work, or learn, or do anything that they really didn’t want to do. They never had the corners knocked off. Both of them have dabbled in lots of different things but have never finished a course or stuck with anything or followed through with a job. They just kind of exist!

And your entire life changes. The structures around which you built your life all change; your job, your house, your routines. It takes quite a strong person to survive that.

So although of course there are lots and lots of good things about having money; it doesn’t come without issues. Your friend will need you op! And eventually, she may be jealous of you too!

Great post! And I quite agree!

Most people I know have had inherited money , but this is really something else. Lottery winnings.
It will change their life forever and their outlook on everything. It must be a lot to process for them.

So, completely and utterly different. Your close blood relative who earned her money and who you would love regardless. Not a friend who got lucky. Not similar situations at all.

Do you mean 30 mill or 3 mill? (Ten times 300k is 3m not30m. If she has inherited 30 mill, I would be amazed if she didn't want to give a chunk of this to a very close friend who she knows is quite hard up.

If she really is very dear to you,and you don't want to lose her, maybe have the difficult conversation and say: this money will change your life and I don't want to lose you, so can I ask that we don't talk about money when we meet, because I know if you are discussing how much to give to charity when I can't even afford to go to the dentist, it will create a gulf between us and I would be heartbroken if that happened.