When you go to a restaurant with your adult children who pays the bill?

[chroniclesofj]

My Children want to contribute but I never let them. Sometimes my mum pays

I creep up to the bar to pay- after telling them I am going to the loo... I don't let my mum pay (we are better off than her!!)- or really hubby pays!!! (My dad used to do this though!!)

We pay for dcs but they are working - earning well and they live with us and don't pay rent. We eat out frequently (at least once a week often more) and they always want to come. I do expect them to offer to buy the odd round of drinks/coffees/ice creams - I think that's polite.

No, in the UK generally money goes down and not up. As I said before we always pay for kids/grandkids and when my grandkids are adult I think my children would pay for their own children but not us. They always offer to pay btw but accept our logic of not wanting to leave it for the taxman.

On this thread, apart from a few people who have tight relations, it seems to be about who can afford it. People who are well/comfortably off tend to pay for their children and the money gets passed down. People who don’t have so much money expect their children to pay or split. No money gets passed down. The rich get richer. The poor get poorer.

As with everything in life, in families, unless one generation breaks the mould this will carry on. My husband’s parents/grandparents worked so hard to get their children up the ladder. A lot of immigrants to this country also work so hard to give their children a good start in life.

I am an adult child. My parents always pay - they are comfortable off now and know im not.

I always make sure I buy a couple of rounds of drinks though

We go with my MIL (not married but mil illustrates it perfectly well). So 3 of us, every time a different person pays, as on the rota.
She's a widow and although not a starving pensioner it wouldn't be fair if she paid half of the time, we have 2 incomes (DINK). We probably go out once a month, sometimes more (Sunday roast etc). When it's someone's birthday (or mother's day) that person doesn't pay then. But any random Sunday dinner everyone pays once in 3 outings.

What happens if DH and I are out with DM or DMIL - they try to pay every time, we can get to the card reader quicker. We let them pay occasionally if they really insist but it's mostly DH and I inviting them out so it feels right for us to pay.

It depends on who has been financially successful.
All of my siblings were without doubt better off than my parents - my parents weren't poor but all my siblings paid for my parents from the age they started work and we are from the UK and are white. Dh was the same but his sisters were not financially successful and so they still expected their parents to pay. I;d have been very embarrassed to take money from my parents once we were earning a good wage - it would have felt very infantilising - but I think it's become normal now.

My mum pays most of the time. She's 92 and I'm 62 🤣. But I pay her back in lots of other ways, bringing gifts, always bring meals when I visit, driving her places etc. It evens out and she likes to do it.

@Findyourdomain
I very much hope that our adult children do better financially than us. However, as we are comfortably off and there are no pockets in a shroud we will continue to pay for our children. In no way does it infantilise them. They will have more money to spend on our grandchildren. Our children understand this logic.

The thing is, you can be 'financially successful', and on paper earn more than your parents, yet still be far far worse off than them, with less disposable income, once you take into account student loans, house prices, nursery fees, pension provision etc.

I recognise how much easier DH and I had it than my DC, and want to help them out where I can.

It's not 'infantalising' for them to accept help from people who are recogning they've been dealt an easier hand.

Mine and my husbands parents usually pay. We are 32! We always buy drinks after but they don’t let us buy dinner.

I'd love to be able to always foot the bill but unfortunately aren't in a position to be able to do so, so we all pay for ourselves. I wish I could treat them though, it makes me sad and frustrated that I can't.

We do. I see it as our responsibility, it didn’t stop as she’s an adult. Her and her partner are both high earners, but I can afford it and see it as my role. We also take them away for things, hotel stays, dinners, theatre, holidays etc, she’s an only child. I would not accept them paying.

It’s not remotely infantilising to treat your children, whatever their age, don’t be ridiculous.

It seems to depend on who has more money. Dh and I generally always pay with MIL. We are better off than she is. With my mum, I’d say she almost always paid, but she has a lot more money than Dh and I (and I’d consider us quite well off). We aren’t quite at that stage yet, but unless it was a Mother’s Day lunch or something, I’d be fairly uncomfortable with my dc paying for us.

I always pay unless the young adults insist that it should be otherwise. DH and I have more disposable income and less reason to save our money than any of the children. My parents always did the same, as did my XH's parents, for all that they were quite tight in most regards. If they need to travel for family gatherings or if we arrange to go out to the theatre or concert together I'll offer to help with the costs for that too. I've told them all that it's just a sneaky way of rewarding them for being willing to spend time with the old folk.

I feel infantilised when my parents pay - I am a fully grown independent, financially, successful person, I don't need my parents to treat me to dinner. Dismissing my feelings as ridiculous suggests you don't take much heed of other people's feelings.

I think within a year or two of starting work I was earning more than my parents combined salary so always picked up the tab for meals and often took them to places they would never go to themselves. Then we hit the days of a bigger mortgage & childcare and I’d changed roles and we went back to splitting it as well as going to less fancy places

Why is it immature to allow your parents to spend their own money as they see fit?

And no, DH can’t afford to eat out that often (and my parents are well aware of that) so they regularly offer to treat us. If you see that as taking the piss then I find that quite a sad attitude to have.

Usually when we all eat out together as a family it’s for a special occasion - parents’ birthdays, wedding anniversary, Mothers’ Day etc. In which case my siblings and I will split the bill between us (in practice this means one of us will pay and the other two will reimburse them later - there’s never any discussion of the bill at the table!).

Other times my parents will offer to take us out as their treat, in which case they pay for everything.

My children pay for me, although I always offer. They do have (a lot) more money than I do..

I generally pay for my parents and they will generally get us a coffee and cake the next time we are at a NT property.

If they come to us to stay for a week, we tend to take it in turns.

It’s not about need. My daughter doesn’t need me to pay, it is about doing something for your child that makes you happy and it is lovely to be treated.

i don’t know why you’re having such a strong reaction to this and being offensive, it reads like you’re bitter and resentful. I’m sure you’re not but thays how it comes across. Bitter, resentful and barely contained envy.

As the adult child, I always pay. We have a lot more disposable income than our parents.

Me more than them, but if it's breakfast or a sandwich, I "let" them sometimes 🤣