Terrified to go into my own garden..

[TotallyTangerineGeum]

I just want to preface this by saying that I’ve name changed and MNHQ will be able to verify that I’ve been on here a long while. Just pointing this out, as I’ll inevitably get troll hunted on this one as it makes very little sense! I assure you I have not left anything out whatsoever and I’m sorry it’s such a long post.

I’m a widowed parent of one 11yr old DD. I have a small-ish dog who thankfully doesn’t bark much (which is relevant to this situation).

2 years ago, my usually always very friendly & chatty next door neighbour, randomly blocked me from texting her - which I rarely ever did anyway tbh, only ever if there was a parcel here for her etc. The last time I’d spoken to her, everything had been great. I was utterly mystified but figured it’d be sorted eventually and I’d ask her when I saw her next. With it being winter I didn’t see her for a while and when I did, I was ignored. Really odd but ok…. Maybe I or DD had made some noise? Although she has always assured me vehemently that she can’t hear anything from our side but even so, I don’t allow DD to make noise for my own sake as well as that of others!

Last summer, there were a few occasions when I was in my back garden (6ft fence with vertical planks with small gaps in between) and neighbour’s Dad who was there, shouted over at me. Once when I was taking a photo of a random plant which had popped up so I could identify it, he shouts “Come round if you want to take photos, you fat fuck!” Now, I should’ve asked WTF he was talking about and corrected him but I was too stunned to speak! Another time I got called a “sad pathetic loser” when I was cutting sweet pea flowers off my trellis on our adjoining fence. Followed by him saying to his daughter “Don’t worry she’s obviously got no life” Again, I hugely regret not saying something back and asking what on earth I’m meant to have said or done wrong. But having escaped extremely violent DV, I just don’t have the strength to confront any male and probably never will. It’s fight or flight and I flee. Until today, that is.

Around the end of last year, the neighbour got a dog of their own and despite my calling my dog in every single time, theirs still barks loudly every single time he sees my dog through the fence. I’ve tried putting tarpaulin up on the adjoining fence to prevent their dog seeing mine but nope, it still keeps happening. Thankfully my dog doesn’t usually bark back and if he does, it’s one singular woof to show his displeasure, then he comes in!
About 2 months ago, I wrote neighbour herself a letter (as she just blanks me when I try speaking to her face to face) explaining that I’ve absolutely zero clue what I’ve done to upset her, apologised if it’s noise (though I really don’t think it is, as DD & I are quiet people and when DD is at school, I’m often asleep or at hospital) and explaining that I only have about 12-14 months left to live due to an autoimmune disorder which she actually knows I have, that I want to spend what time I have left with my child in peace and just want to be left alone and politely requested that they stop slamming their front door as it was making us both jump a mile and was affecting DD at school when it happens during the night. I was very polite and promised to do what I can on my part to try and mitigate the situation with her dog seeing mine through the fence (which I have done, I put tarpaulin up but clearly I need to add more!)

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and now her Dad is seemingly living there and is making mine & my daughter’s lives a living hell.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I open one of my French doors and either let my dog out for a wee or I dare to step out into my own garden, not only does their dog bark like mad at mine (who now just ignores theirs as he’s used to it!) I get “Oh for fuck’s sake!” or her little boy goes running inside shouting “Mum, Granddad, she’s in her garden again!!!” followed by “Oh for fuck’s sake! Fucking typical!” It’s got to the point where I’m genuinely anxious to go into my own garden and I’m not exaggerating and I’m a keen gardener! I can’t even nip to my greenhouse to get some lettuce without a “Oh for fuck’s sake, fat fuck is out again!” 😳
Last week, I had to mow the lawn as it was the first day I’d had in weeks where I was well enough to do it and they were having a BBQ (I don’t think there were any guests but I decided to be as quick as possible anyway) and well, he was fuming and they went storming inside, slamming the door. I don’t know what was said as I had the mower on but heard door slam. That one was probably my fault for mowing whilst they were having a BBQ but if I’d waited until the next time I was well enough, the grass would’ve been too long to mow!

Another thing which I’ve been ignoring in the hope that it naturally settles (and to avoid confrontation with him), is the fact that their dog barks the ENTIRE TIME he is left in the house alone. Barks loudly and howls. So bad that me making a phone call is nigh on impossible. It’s often overnight also, so that is hell for DD especially. This happened today and I’ve taken to recording clips of it just in case it’s needed in future. When it finally stopped, presumably as he came home, the first thing I did, was quietly let DDog out as I’d kept him in during the barking due to the noise coming from their side. Well, this was a mistake as their dog saw mine and erupted - as per usual! Mine didn’t bark back at all but DD grabbed the treat tub and told him to come in for obvious reasons and neighbour’s Dad shouts “FUCKING TWATS!!!!!” over the fence. Now I have never, ever responded to ANY of it but having just endured hours upon hours of their Alsation barking and howling I snapped and said, calmly, “Your dog has been barking all day!!!” to which he shouts “Because of you! YOU’RE CAUSING IT!!!” “Every fucking day you’re in your garden” I reply “And?!” At which point he slams their door and my DD bursts into tears and call me pathetic but so did I. I’m at my wits end. This is my home. My DD’s home and this is almost certainly the last summer of my life. My only hobby is quietly (& I do mean quietly) pottering around in my garden deadheading flowers or pruning roses etc.

• I don’t ever have visitors besides my 82yr old mother (she’s my only remaining family besides DD) and what friends do bother with me, I just have catch up coffees with in Costa!
• I don’t play music in my home or my garden. If I listen to a podcast or LBC, it’s on earphones.
• My dog rarely barks and if he does, it’s only a tiny bit if he is barked at! He did once bark at an Owl ornament I bought but in his defence, it did blink at night time!!
• I do not speak on the phone in the garden as everyone around me would hear and despite this massive long post, I am quite a quiet person usually!
• DD is rarely in the garden (more’s the pity!) she prefers gaming! She used to play out front on her scooter with some kids from up the street but she’s been too frightened to, since neighbour’s Dad aggressively told her to “Piss off” once about a year ago when he’d arrived about 5 mins after neighbour had left the house and so, being 9, she told him. Who tells a 9yr old to piss off?

I have reported today’s incident to non-emergency police. However a. Officer won’t be free to talk to me until the end of next week which I’m sad about tbh. I could’ve used the advice as right now, I’m terrified to even let my dog out for a wee, let alone step into my garden.
Again, having escaped extreme DV, it’s very difficult for me to not default to flight mode. I’m still shaking and this happened 2 hours ago. Pathetic, I know. I already struggle with anxiety.

Sorry this was so long but I didn’t want to miss anything out and have to correct people or be accused of drip feeding!

There’s nothing I can do, is there?

Can they not make an exception given your illness?

Sounds so awful for you and your DD.

That man is pathetic. If you were a burly bloke he'd never dare. What a coward.

Yep, that's horrific.🤯😪

Honestly some people are below contempt and they know how poorly OP is.
I have a few suggestions that would get me barred from here.
But if I only I knew a motorcycle gang who fancied a nice day out in Yorkshire with afternoon tea served in OP’s garden.
These people are bullies and they are actually very unhappy because when you are happy you don’t really notice your neighbour going into the garden.
If you do it’s a neutral act.
Or I would love to whisk OP and her DD away for a few days and have the whole of the tartan army into her garden playing the bagpipes 24/7. Bet they’d not get the same reception they got in America….
Vile people and the father sounds particularly nasty.

This is absolutely beyond disgusting, it's inhumane! They know about your condition and act like this? If I was your neighbour I would be kind, caring and help you.

Could you seek free initial advice from a solicitor, ask to speak to an understanding police officer, welfare officer, your own medical support team? Anyone who could help.

You shouldn't have to endure this vile behaviour, sending hugs and hope you get some help.

Ps do you anyone who has big scary looking friends to come round as this is often the only way cowards like this back down. Xx

This is appalling. I would print a spreadsheet of days in one column and hours in a row across and just tick when the noise happens, easier than an app.
But definitely call the police every time you are abused or threatened by that man. You have a life limiting illness and deserve to have peace and love till the end. You need to tell the police this too! Or a solicitor, Let them do the talking - you dont have to. Honestly, my heart breaks for you - I am also a DV survivor so I KNOW how you feel. People will help you if you ask for it xxxx

Do your nasty neighbors have neighbors the other side of them if so how are they towards them ?
This is so upsetting to read everyone deserves to live a peaceful life and enjoy their home but even more so when you are ill and are trying to spend the precious time you have with your Dd and your dog
I would definitely get a ring type doorbell at your back door as they sound unhinged
I honestly don’t know what enjoyment people get from causing misery to others it’s disgraceful

can a friend come round to support you? Christ I would do this for my friends.
Is the dad supposed to be there? Is she actually being bullied by him???

I know it’s hard for you but you need to be stronger and go out and enjoy your garden and ignore them. Your daughter is watching. Show her strength x

Come on Mumsnetters!!!!!!

They sound crazy!

What are they like (other than mental!)? Do you think someone might jave made a complaint against them which they wrongly think you're behind?

I agree with recording everything and not letting these very strange people bully you unto not using your garden. Wear headphones and listen to music if you must the block the vile arseholes out.

The more you wear them (definitely play music through them) the more they will give up because you arent responding

I wonder if dad has moved in illegally and is intimidating OP so that he can scare her off and get her house….

This is clear harassment under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997.
You could easily get an injunction to stop the verbal abuse over the fence (easily in the sense that the Judge would find for you rather than generally easy because litigation is stressful) but if you are terminally ill you may not want to get involved with this. However if you don't want to move house, then you need to do something about it because this is intolerable.

You may find that a formal letter from a solicitor threatening proceedings for harassment and requesting undertakings to stop the shouting and verbal abuse itself scares them into complying - it can do depending on the person.

What you should do is keep a log of everything that happens, have a sheet by the back door and record date time and what took place. If you can continue with videos.

There is a lot of information on line if you google. Look for a reputable firm of solicitors near to you that have experience of getting harassment injunctions.

Here are a couple of links with more information about harassment generally.

https://www.weightmans.com/insights/protection-from-harassment-act-1997/

https://www.duncanlewis.co.uk/Nuisance-neighbours.html

op have your phone recording in your hand every time you go outside. report every single incidence with the evidence to the police

in a 4 hr drive away and free all day sunday, i live for taking down aggressive abusive men so will happily come to you and show him what happens when he tries to bully women who won’t back down. my boyfriend has offered to come and knock seven shades out of him too as he hates abusive men more than i do

CCTV in your timer to record every interaction in case any evidence is required and then do not step outside without noise cancelling headphones on playing your favourite music x

You have done nothing wrong OP so stop worrying about that or assuming this is a result of you in any way.

They are anti-social twats, the kind of family no-one wants to live next to. Unfortunately, people like this think the world revolves around them and they are entitled to decide when you can use your garden. Give them an inch and they'll take a mile, if you stay out of the garden he'll come up with another reason to harass you.

If you can move just do it, you might think you'll be giving in to them but he'll probably be pissed off because it all comes back to control with men like this.

This post really makes my blood boil, what a nasty bully he is, I wish I could send a group of bigger bullies round to kick his head in, and I'm really not a believer in vigilante justice.

If you do move I hope they get the family from hell next door to them.

Do they ever say anything about your medical condition? If so the police might agree to treat it as a disability hate crime and it should be taken much more seriously. I imagine their housing association would also take it more seriously in that situation too. Have you told the police how vulnerable you are? They may come more quickly.

Where do you live? I'll fucking visit them for you, bricks and all.

Get a cheap body cam and wear it whenever you go into the garden.

OP if you want to take the wind out of his sails quickly, and you can steel yourself. Just laugh at him. He's a massive bully and he's enjoying knowing he's scaring and stressing you out. Next time you go outside be prepared. Start with just a little giggle. When he says "what are you laughing at?!" Just burst out into hysterics. You don't have to say anything. I promise it will drive him mad and really make him think twice before he does it again.

This is awful, OP, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, especially when you're so unwell.

Great advice from PPs on here, and I really hope it helps.

Apologies if this has been said already, but you need a more substantial barrier. Either a 2m solid fence or an evergreen hedge.

Speak to your local cllr or even your local MP. That you have a serious end of life condition should be taken seriously by the authorities. They should organise proper mediation & then if that fails, move the other family.
Do you have other neighbours who can support you?

How absolutely fucking vile. I'm absolutely for joining a MNer party and teach these people some manners. We're an hour away from Harrogate.

I've never spoken to our MP but that's a good shout. I know there are biker groups that use their reputation to stand up for vulnerable people. They're often really lovely people so you could just contact your local biker group and ask they could use your garden for a group BBQ just to show some presence of people who aren't easy to push around. Doesn't hurt just to send a message, worst they can say is no.

I did tell the police call handler but it didn’t change anything. I wish I did know some big burly blokes but nope sadly not.