Terrified to go into my own garden..

[TotallyTangerineGeum]

I just want to preface this by saying that I’ve name changed and MNHQ will be able to verify that I’ve been on here a long while. Just pointing this out, as I’ll inevitably get troll hunted on this one as it makes very little sense! I assure you I have not left anything out whatsoever and I’m sorry it’s such a long post.

I’m a widowed parent of one 11yr old DD. I have a small-ish dog who thankfully doesn’t bark much (which is relevant to this situation).

2 years ago, my usually always very friendly & chatty next door neighbour, randomly blocked me from texting her - which I rarely ever did anyway tbh, only ever if there was a parcel here for her etc. The last time I’d spoken to her, everything had been great. I was utterly mystified but figured it’d be sorted eventually and I’d ask her when I saw her next. With it being winter I didn’t see her for a while and when I did, I was ignored. Really odd but ok…. Maybe I or DD had made some noise? Although she has always assured me vehemently that she can’t hear anything from our side but even so, I don’t allow DD to make noise for my own sake as well as that of others!

Last summer, there were a few occasions when I was in my back garden (6ft fence with vertical planks with small gaps in between) and neighbour’s Dad who was there, shouted over at me. Once when I was taking a photo of a random plant which had popped up so I could identify it, he shouts “Come round if you want to take photos, you fat fuck!” Now, I should’ve asked WTF he was talking about and corrected him but I was too stunned to speak! Another time I got called a “sad pathetic loser” when I was cutting sweet pea flowers off my trellis on our adjoining fence. Followed by him saying to his daughter “Don’t worry she’s obviously got no life” Again, I hugely regret not saying something back and asking what on earth I’m meant to have said or done wrong. But having escaped extremely violent DV, I just don’t have the strength to confront any male and probably never will. It’s fight or flight and I flee. Until today, that is.

Around the end of last year, the neighbour got a dog of their own and despite my calling my dog in every single time, theirs still barks loudly every single time he sees my dog through the fence. I’ve tried putting tarpaulin up on the adjoining fence to prevent their dog seeing mine but nope, it still keeps happening. Thankfully my dog doesn’t usually bark back and if he does, it’s one singular woof to show his displeasure, then he comes in!
About 2 months ago, I wrote neighbour herself a letter (as she just blanks me when I try speaking to her face to face) explaining that I’ve absolutely zero clue what I’ve done to upset her, apologised if it’s noise (though I really don’t think it is, as DD & I are quiet people and when DD is at school, I’m often asleep or at hospital) and explaining that I only have about 12-14 months left to live due to an autoimmune disorder which she actually knows I have, that I want to spend what time I have left with my child in peace and just want to be left alone and politely requested that they stop slamming their front door as it was making us both jump a mile and was affecting DD at school when it happens during the night. I was very polite and promised to do what I can on my part to try and mitigate the situation with her dog seeing mine through the fence (which I have done, I put tarpaulin up but clearly I need to add more!)

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and now her Dad is seemingly living there and is making mine & my daughter’s lives a living hell.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I open one of my French doors and either let my dog out for a wee or I dare to step out into my own garden, not only does their dog bark like mad at mine (who now just ignores theirs as he’s used to it!) I get “Oh for fuck’s sake!” or her little boy goes running inside shouting “Mum, Granddad, she’s in her garden again!!!” followed by “Oh for fuck’s sake! Fucking typical!” It’s got to the point where I’m genuinely anxious to go into my own garden and I’m not exaggerating and I’m a keen gardener! I can’t even nip to my greenhouse to get some lettuce without a “Oh for fuck’s sake, fat fuck is out again!” 😳
Last week, I had to mow the lawn as it was the first day I’d had in weeks where I was well enough to do it and they were having a BBQ (I don’t think there were any guests but I decided to be as quick as possible anyway) and well, he was fuming and they went storming inside, slamming the door. I don’t know what was said as I had the mower on but heard door slam. That one was probably my fault for mowing whilst they were having a BBQ but if I’d waited until the next time I was well enough, the grass would’ve been too long to mow!

Another thing which I’ve been ignoring in the hope that it naturally settles (and to avoid confrontation with him), is the fact that their dog barks the ENTIRE TIME he is left in the house alone. Barks loudly and howls. So bad that me making a phone call is nigh on impossible. It’s often overnight also, so that is hell for DD especially. This happened today and I’ve taken to recording clips of it just in case it’s needed in future. When it finally stopped, presumably as he came home, the first thing I did, was quietly let DDog out as I’d kept him in during the barking due to the noise coming from their side. Well, this was a mistake as their dog saw mine and erupted - as per usual! Mine didn’t bark back at all but DD grabbed the treat tub and told him to come in for obvious reasons and neighbour’s Dad shouts “FUCKING TWATS!!!!!” over the fence. Now I have never, ever responded to ANY of it but having just endured hours upon hours of their Alsation barking and howling I snapped and said, calmly, “Your dog has been barking all day!!!” to which he shouts “Because of you! YOU’RE CAUSING IT!!!” “Every fucking day you’re in your garden” I reply “And?!” At which point he slams their door and my DD bursts into tears and call me pathetic but so did I. I’m at my wits end. This is my home. My DD’s home and this is almost certainly the last summer of my life. My only hobby is quietly (& I do mean quietly) pottering around in my garden deadheading flowers or pruning roses etc.

• I don’t ever have visitors besides my 82yr old mother (she’s my only remaining family besides DD) and what friends do bother with me, I just have catch up coffees with in Costa!
• I don’t play music in my home or my garden. If I listen to a podcast or LBC, it’s on earphones.
• My dog rarely barks and if he does, it’s only a tiny bit if he is barked at! He did once bark at an Owl ornament I bought but in his defence, it did blink at night time!!
• I do not speak on the phone in the garden as everyone around me would hear and despite this massive long post, I am quite a quiet person usually!
• DD is rarely in the garden (more’s the pity!) she prefers gaming! She used to play out front on her scooter with some kids from up the street but she’s been too frightened to, since neighbour’s Dad aggressively told her to “Piss off” once about a year ago when he’d arrived about 5 mins after neighbour had left the house and so, being 9, she told him. Who tells a 9yr old to piss off?

I have reported today’s incident to non-emergency police. However a. Officer won’t be free to talk to me until the end of next week which I’m sad about tbh. I could’ve used the advice as right now, I’m terrified to even let my dog out for a wee, let alone step into my garden.
Again, having escaped extreme DV, it’s very difficult for me to not default to flight mode. I’m still shaking and this happened 2 hours ago. Pathetic, I know. I already struggle with anxiety.

Sorry this was so long but I didn’t want to miss anything out and have to correct people or be accused of drip feeding!

There’s nothing I can do, is there?

😧 Seriously? Thank you for telling me this, I had no idea. This is the helpful info I needed

I’ve just told my DH about this, even though we are a 5 hour drive from you he’s said he would come up and help you? Genuine offer - Message me if you’d like his help. 💕

OP this must be awful for you. This is not to minimise or excuse anything but did your neighbour's friendliness stop when her father moved in? I wonder if he is abusing her? If you think that this is at all possible then it might be another way in to getting it stopped?

I know it’s easier said than done, but maybe a little ‘do the HA know that you’ve moved in? You’d think you’d be keeping a lower profile and not shouting unwarranted abuse at me, would hate for your daughters new lodger to be mentioned to the wrong person’ would shut him up??

I'm genuinely touched by those offering to travel miles to help this poor woman. Fabulous 💜

Get your councillor involved, log a formal complaint with the HA for disability discrimination and bullying, not noise. Get names from the HA. I worked for a HA and they ignored a similar issue which ended very badly. HAs will ignore issues, tell them it is bullying and harassment, and you want an officer out to do a visit.

What vile people. They should be ashamed of themselves. Def get a camera so it records it all and report to police every time. This is not noise but abuse and they should deal with it accordingly. Lots of love

What disgusting people. I’m sorry OP. I don’t know how they live with themselves.

Absolutely heartwarming to see offers like this from @ThisWildHedgehog and others.

I'm in Ireland or I would have loved to help too.

OP I am so sorry you are going through this, the obvious explanation is that someone reported them for something and so they're blaming you, they sound like complete psychos and my heart breaks for you that you're going through this.

I’ve only read the first page of this thread in full but it’s made me so cross for you, I’m almost minded to travel to whether you are and have a word with these horrible fucking bullies myself. Keep contacting all services, daily if you have to. You are being harassed and intimidated and not any any low scale either. So sorry.

I havent RTFT, but having experienced similar with my neighbour, you need to record every interaction and get a camera for the front and back of your house.

I was told that comments made in the garden or heard through the walls in the house, despite obviously being aimed at me, arent actionable because it wasnt direct. If my neighbour was in my face screaming he was going to kill me - that would get him arrested... doing it in his garden? Nothing can be done.

Record and phone the police, every. Single. Time.

OP I’m so sorry to hear you have a life limiting illness and there’s not much time left. My question is this - do you really want to spend what time you have left living like this ?

Think about this my lovely - you have absolutely nothing to lose. Go about your business, let your dog out, potter in your garden collect your tomatoes. Every single time there is a comment, tell whoever it is to go fuck themselves - that it’s your property and you’ll do as you like. What are they going to do ? People like this are the scum of the earth and usually cowards. So you need to call them out every single time.

I know it’s easier said than done, especially if you’ve been a victim of DV in the past, but realistically the authorities are not going to act within any timescale that’s useful for you, so it’s time for the big girl pants and give as good (if not more) than you get. If I lived anywhere near you I’d sort the bastards myself.💐

Just read that they are HA tenants.. Get on to the Hosing officer, each time. Record every incident and send it over as evidence (its 2 weeks for the HA of my.neighbour, despite the severity of threats) and make sure the police know its HA owned. The police will have a relationship with the HA.

Should you have to do all of this, no but it's the only way

I actually wouldn't poke the bear like that. A friend of mine, also in HA property, had nightmare neighbours. The properties all had their own bit of garden, but no fencing seperating each tenants space, so it is all open. They told him he couldn't feed the birds (they hated birds), he couldn't plant certain plants (God knows why they insisted on that one). He wasn't to feed the hedgehog that came into the gardens.... My friend is quite gentle and always polite but he got fed up and told them he'd do what he liked and to butt out. That week my friend found the hedgehog dead, with it's head bashed in. A month or so later his lovely gentle dog got very ill and kept being sick and had to be put down. We're convinced his neighbours poisoned the dog and they would be the only ones who would kill the hedgehog.

They only left my neighbour alone after being spotted squirting a liquid near my neighbours front door while he was looking after another neighbours dog. We think they hoped the dog would lick the liquid and get ill, or worse. My neighbour put cameras up after that incident. Unfortunately there was no proof that they did the things we think they did, so they are still there, but at least they leave him alone now.

I'd be thinking the father plans to hunt out the OP and apply for the OP's home ...

The letter drafted to the MP was beautiful, well done. You can get this printed at your local library - email to your MP but good to have a hard copy. Copy in to the Housing Association and the Police. You can hand deliver the Police one to your local Police Station. I'd also be getting a few names of people at your Housing Association too - don't stop at Reception staff, find out who is dealing with your property. Mumsnetters can find out all sorts of information if you need help.

Your report to the Police - you may have been given an Incident Number. You can add further incidents as they happen to that same Incident Number through 101 online (you don't need to phone, it's helpful in fact to have it in writing rather than expect the Operator to get the facts right or ask the right questions). You can, again, go into the Police Station and ask at the Counter if there's an update on your report. If there's an incident number it's probably been given a Grade 4 listing (Grade 4 is the least urgent and is something like "aim to deal with in 48 hours" - it'll keep sliding back until there is a member of the Police available to deal with. Log anything from your initial report onto the 101 online.

For me, it was quite clear you've had stuff going on as your self esteem comes across as really quite low in your original post. YOU have the right to your garden, YOU have the right to the quiet enjoyment of your home. Your Housing Association are letting you down massively in not acting on this - being made to feel unsafe in your home, verbal abuse over a garden fence, verbal abuse to a child! Nah.

Don't engage with the neighbours anymore - anything more now, you take notes and put it on 101. Get the MP letter sorted ASAP. Have notepads and pens within reach - time dog barking for a few days until you get the HA on the case.

(I wish you well, OP).

@TotallyTangerineGeum you've already recieved all the advice I had to give but I wanted to pop on and give support as a fellow survivor of DV. I really hope that some of the ideas and advice given here works for you and you can get the nasty bastards moved on quickly and enjoy the peace again. Sadly I'm too far away to come give support in person but I'm sending strength through the Internet and a reminder that you've got this girl 💪🏻 xx

I don't have any useful advice but just wanted to say you sound so lovely and considerate and they sound like the most horrible, absolute arseholes. I'm so so sorry you're going through this.

I think that's a definite possibility but it did occur to me that the OP and the neighbour got on ok until the neighbour's father appeared.

when I read the beginning of your post it reminded me of an issue I had with an older lady who lived next door a long time ago who seemed perfectly fine for several years and then started shouting abuse at us over the fence, banging on my front door accusing us of recording her and knocking on her walls constantly I was utterly baffled and it got to the point where I was too afraid to go outside, I reported it to my landlord in the end as neighbour told me she’d reported me to the police for harassment- turns out she had developed a serious mental illness. However, in your case it’s baffling as it’s two of them for no reason whatsoever.

due to your health, can the council rehouse you quickly under a special rule perhaps ? Might be worth contacting your GP too they may be able to put some pressure on h association. PP idea of MP is a great one- the more people fighting your corner the better.
Everyone deserves the right to live in a peaceful environment - and you particularly should not be expected to put up with this ! Xx

Definitely get in touch with your MP. The pp's email text was really good - I'd just email him that. He should also have surgery hours where you can talk to him in person, or you can request a face to face meeting. In the meantime, keep logging everything. And consider calling 999 next time you're threatened in your garden.

I am so sorry you're going through this.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and I really hope some people can help you in real life. Totally agree with writing to your MP, as this really needs some quick action.
Please update us to how things go and reach out for support on Mumsnet. I really really hope things get better soon, and well done on all the things you have done to try and solve it. Wishing you the very best.

I fucking would. Bullying a terminally ill woman? Not on my watch, sunshine! I find it hard to stand up for myself, but not for others.

Just go in your garden. I’d be in it more than ever.

Hi Op. heartbreaking to read your thread. Lots of great ideas from other posters. I think for now, I’d be either ignoring their outbursts (I realise this isn’t easy, particularly with the DV history), or if you can manage it, when they shout any abuse, just shout or even loudly say something like ‘hi there!’, nothing more, you don’t need to be abusive back but it will let them know that this is all water off a ducks back and you couldn’t care less. They will likely be so enraged they will then strop off back inside and you can enjoy your garden in peace, as you should. Please don’t let these vile bullies ruin your summer.

Good luck and sending best wishes to you and your DD.

This is an off the wall idea but could you contact your local rugby club? Explain the situation and invite them plus some of your family for a bbq in your garden.

I have a feeling the nasty shits won't say a word once they know you know some big burley blokes. Worth a try.