Terrified to go into my own garden..

[TotallyTangerineGeum]

I just want to preface this by saying that I’ve name changed and MNHQ will be able to verify that I’ve been on here a long while. Just pointing this out, as I’ll inevitably get troll hunted on this one as it makes very little sense! I assure you I have not left anything out whatsoever and I’m sorry it’s such a long post.

I’m a widowed parent of one 11yr old DD. I have a small-ish dog who thankfully doesn’t bark much (which is relevant to this situation).

2 years ago, my usually always very friendly & chatty next door neighbour, randomly blocked me from texting her - which I rarely ever did anyway tbh, only ever if there was a parcel here for her etc. The last time I’d spoken to her, everything had been great. I was utterly mystified but figured it’d be sorted eventually and I’d ask her when I saw her next. With it being winter I didn’t see her for a while and when I did, I was ignored. Really odd but ok…. Maybe I or DD had made some noise? Although she has always assured me vehemently that she can’t hear anything from our side but even so, I don’t allow DD to make noise for my own sake as well as that of others!

Last summer, there were a few occasions when I was in my back garden (6ft fence with vertical planks with small gaps in between) and neighbour’s Dad who was there, shouted over at me. Once when I was taking a photo of a random plant which had popped up so I could identify it, he shouts “Come round if you want to take photos, you fat fuck!” Now, I should’ve asked WTF he was talking about and corrected him but I was too stunned to speak! Another time I got called a “sad pathetic loser” when I was cutting sweet pea flowers off my trellis on our adjoining fence. Followed by him saying to his daughter “Don’t worry she’s obviously got no life” Again, I hugely regret not saying something back and asking what on earth I’m meant to have said or done wrong. But having escaped extremely violent DV, I just don’t have the strength to confront any male and probably never will. It’s fight or flight and I flee. Until today, that is.

Around the end of last year, the neighbour got a dog of their own and despite my calling my dog in every single time, theirs still barks loudly every single time he sees my dog through the fence. I’ve tried putting tarpaulin up on the adjoining fence to prevent their dog seeing mine but nope, it still keeps happening. Thankfully my dog doesn’t usually bark back and if he does, it’s one singular woof to show his displeasure, then he comes in!
About 2 months ago, I wrote neighbour herself a letter (as she just blanks me when I try speaking to her face to face) explaining that I’ve absolutely zero clue what I’ve done to upset her, apologised if it’s noise (though I really don’t think it is, as DD & I are quiet people and when DD is at school, I’m often asleep or at hospital) and explaining that I only have about 12-14 months left to live due to an autoimmune disorder which she actually knows I have, that I want to spend what time I have left with my child in peace and just want to be left alone and politely requested that they stop slamming their front door as it was making us both jump a mile and was affecting DD at school when it happens during the night. I was very polite and promised to do what I can on my part to try and mitigate the situation with her dog seeing mine through the fence (which I have done, I put tarpaulin up but clearly I need to add more!)

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and now her Dad is seemingly living there and is making mine & my daughter’s lives a living hell.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I open one of my French doors and either let my dog out for a wee or I dare to step out into my own garden, not only does their dog bark like mad at mine (who now just ignores theirs as he’s used to it!) I get “Oh for fuck’s sake!” or her little boy goes running inside shouting “Mum, Granddad, she’s in her garden again!!!” followed by “Oh for fuck’s sake! Fucking typical!” It’s got to the point where I’m genuinely anxious to go into my own garden and I’m not exaggerating and I’m a keen gardener! I can’t even nip to my greenhouse to get some lettuce without a “Oh for fuck’s sake, fat fuck is out again!” 😳
Last week, I had to mow the lawn as it was the first day I’d had in weeks where I was well enough to do it and they were having a BBQ (I don’t think there were any guests but I decided to be as quick as possible anyway) and well, he was fuming and they went storming inside, slamming the door. I don’t know what was said as I had the mower on but heard door slam. That one was probably my fault for mowing whilst they were having a BBQ but if I’d waited until the next time I was well enough, the grass would’ve been too long to mow!

Another thing which I’ve been ignoring in the hope that it naturally settles (and to avoid confrontation with him), is the fact that their dog barks the ENTIRE TIME he is left in the house alone. Barks loudly and howls. So bad that me making a phone call is nigh on impossible. It’s often overnight also, so that is hell for DD especially. This happened today and I’ve taken to recording clips of it just in case it’s needed in future. When it finally stopped, presumably as he came home, the first thing I did, was quietly let DDog out as I’d kept him in during the barking due to the noise coming from their side. Well, this was a mistake as their dog saw mine and erupted - as per usual! Mine didn’t bark back at all but DD grabbed the treat tub and told him to come in for obvious reasons and neighbour’s Dad shouts “FUCKING TWATS!!!!!” over the fence. Now I have never, ever responded to ANY of it but having just endured hours upon hours of their Alsation barking and howling I snapped and said, calmly, “Your dog has been barking all day!!!” to which he shouts “Because of you! YOU’RE CAUSING IT!!!” “Every fucking day you’re in your garden” I reply “And?!” At which point he slams their door and my DD bursts into tears and call me pathetic but so did I. I’m at my wits end. This is my home. My DD’s home and this is almost certainly the last summer of my life. My only hobby is quietly (& I do mean quietly) pottering around in my garden deadheading flowers or pruning roses etc.

• I don’t ever have visitors besides my 82yr old mother (she’s my only remaining family besides DD) and what friends do bother with me, I just have catch up coffees with in Costa!
• I don’t play music in my home or my garden. If I listen to a podcast or LBC, it’s on earphones.
• My dog rarely barks and if he does, it’s only a tiny bit if he is barked at! He did once bark at an Owl ornament I bought but in his defence, it did blink at night time!!
• I do not speak on the phone in the garden as everyone around me would hear and despite this massive long post, I am quite a quiet person usually!
• DD is rarely in the garden (more’s the pity!) she prefers gaming! She used to play out front on her scooter with some kids from up the street but she’s been too frightened to, since neighbour’s Dad aggressively told her to “Piss off” once about a year ago when he’d arrived about 5 mins after neighbour had left the house and so, being 9, she told him. Who tells a 9yr old to piss off?

I have reported today’s incident to non-emergency police. However a. Officer won’t be free to talk to me until the end of next week which I’m sad about tbh. I could’ve used the advice as right now, I’m terrified to even let my dog out for a wee, let alone step into my garden.
Again, having escaped extreme DV, it’s very difficult for me to not default to flight mode. I’m still shaking and this happened 2 hours ago. Pathetic, I know. I already struggle with anxiety.

Sorry this was so long but I didn’t want to miss anything out and have to correct people or be accused of drip feeding!

There’s nothing I can do, is there?

I actually would.

Bugger, I'm down in Cambridgeshire!

Edit: And I don't drive, otherwise I'd be going on a road trip.

You have my complete sympathy OP. I know how upsetting and frustrating the situation is because I’ve been going through very similar for 5 years.

My neighbour is an alcoholic bully and every time I leave my house he follows me outside and shouts abuse - usually I’m a fat cunt.
He is violent and abusive to his wife and children and I hear it through the walls which is so distressing.
His wife is much bigger then me so every time he called me fat I’d look over at her to point out that if he’s constantly calling me fat (when I’m not) that it must be insulting to his wife but he’s too stupid to pick up on that.
She’s been awful to me in the past as well but now I’m seeing her become an anxious shell of her former self I feel sorry for her and I’ve heard him calling her the same so I stopped doing it when it clearly wasn’t going to stop him.

I reported the following to the police:
damage to lots of my property,
threats of violence and on one occasion being grabbed from behind putting the bin out at night,
hours of him sitting watching my house so he could shout things at me,
deliberate noise,
and the domestic violence I overheard.
I got a ring doorbell that showed him sitting for hours every day outside my house to intimidate me and gave the police hours of footage. It also picked up quite a few of the abusive comments.

The police arrested him but it was my word against his for everything except the camera footage and as he wasn’t sitting directly on my property and just in front of it he said he sat there to smoke as it was outside his house too.
He said he was just talking to himself with the nasty comments and as they weren’t to my face and he didn’t direct them directly into the camera it wasn’t enough to charge him.
I had 8 blissful months where he left me alone on bail but then he ramped it up when he wasn’t charged.

My neighbour without any exaggeration spends almost every waking hour sat outside my house sat at a table he’s placed there drinking and smoking and just watching for me, he doesn’t seem to sleep and it made me reluctant to go outside, I get up to 1000 camera notifications a day as he deliberately triggers it.

We both rent from the same rental agency and I’ve reported him multiple times but I believe he knows the manager in a non professional capacity and he comes across as lovely and charming to most people so she refuses to take my complaints seriously. She says he’s a “family man” and I was told off for getting the police involved as it would have all been a “misunderstanding”.
The manager seems to think as I don’t have children that I’m not as important and has commented before that if the dispute carries on and one of us has to leave then it’ll be me as I don’t have kids to support.

I feel like I can’t go any further making complaints and I don’t want to move as I’ve lived in my house 20 years and it’s perfect for me except for him - I also don’t want him driving me out of my home.

I realised he thrives on my reaction and the attention from me around a year ago so I’ve taken to completely ignoring him.
I wear noise cancelling AirPods and don’t even look in his direction and I’ve started going outside when I want/need to and reminding myself he’s a sad little alcoholic man with nothing better to do and I need to pity him. The alcohol is having a massive physical effect on him and he’s skin and bone and looks twenty years older and he’s lost his teeth so I’m not accepting personal insults from a man in that state!

I put the camera notifications on do not disturb but images come through on my Apple Watch so I’m not getting distracted constantly by them but can still keep an eye on things.

Since I stopped reacting he tried to step things up a bit but I continued to ignore him and now he still sits there but I can’t hear him with the AirPods. Sometimes when he gets really drunk he bangs on my windows and tries to get my attention but I close the curtains and go to another room. I occasionally feel quite powerful knowing that I’m making him that frustrated and angry by my non reaction and that it’s pushing him to waste his life seeking one.
I have stood up to him a couple of times and said “have you nothing better to do then to sit there and make a fool out of yourself?” Or I put my finger to my lips and just say husssshh like you would to a child.
His wife is clearly embarrassed by it but she is too scared to stop him because he doesn’t react well to it.

I also went through domestic abuse and violence and moved to this house which was my safe haven for years before my neighbour spoilt it. I’ve invested time and money into it and spent hours in the garden. He broke all my garden furniture, lights, plant pots and many other items I won’t replace but the garden is still beautiful.

This post wasn’t meant to be this long but I wanted you to know you aren’t alone and it’s understandable you are intimidated and upset.
Unfortunately I don’t have any positive experience with making complaints to the authorities but I do suggest ignoring your neighbour like I do and seeing if he’ll get bored.
I listen to audiobooks in the garden as it’s a distraction from listening for any abuse and I can’t hear it if he does say anything.

I’ve read so many posts on here about people suffering from anti social neighbours and there just doesn’t seem to be any help available and most people are forced to move. It’s wrong the victim is forced out when they were happy with where they lived before.

You deserve peaceful enjoyment of your home and garden and I hope you can get some evidence with a camera to take it further. It makes me so angry for you knowing what you are going through when you should be enjoying the time you have.
I really hope you can find a way to stop this bastard from torturing you 💕

Sorry, not read whole thread...do you rent? Worth having a chat with your landlord if so, let them know about the anti social behaviour and that you're looking to move, maybe they can do something?

Interesting! I’m so sorry you had to go through that, though. The police are disappointing aren’t they? Threats to kill are a crime in itself, he should’ve been arrested!

I'm glad I'm not the only person whose mind went there. The maybe really unhinged response would be to hire someone to scare the shit out of them, since you're unlikely to see any legal repercussions. Unless you want your daughter to continue living there after your death.

1. horrible rat people, sorry op. 2. get some of that stuff and blocks the gaps in the fence, that fabric fence covering, amazon, so whatever you need to block yourself from these people. 3. Tell them you were taking pics of plants and that you have no interest in snooping on them as they now seem to think that is who you are after not correcting him as its escalated since then, they sound paranoid ...

So sorry op. I'm in Scotland and on nights tonight. A wee drive down to Yorkshire would have been lovely, to be by your side.
I don't normally advocate fire w fire but in your case........
The support you've had on here warms the heart.
Sending you hugs, please keep us updated and know that we are with you and your dd xx

I have found this to be very effective on mouthy old men who don't know when to keep it shut:
" Sit your arse down, Pops, before you get yourself hurt."
Hold the menacing glare, of course. 😇

I think @WhatsUpWithGene has the right approach.

IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE.

Put some noise cancelling headphone on.
Go outside in your garden and look after your plants.
Let your dog out. He doesn’t seem to care anymore anyway.
Let their dog bark for hours. With a bit of luck other NDN will complain to them and the HA too. But his barking is not your responsibility.
Get some ear plugs (Ear loops are great) for you and your dd at night so theyre not waking you up.

And yes contact your GP and put a ring camera at the back too. Even if it’s just to be able to record tge barking of their dog whilst no one is outside in your garden.

It’s them @TotallyTangerineGeum .
Youre not doing anything wrong. It’s not your fault.

@WhatsUpWithGene Fucking hell. That's horrendous. Hopefully he'll drink himself to death* and you (and his poor family) won't have to put up with his nonsense anymore. The head of the HA threatening you is beyond the pale too. I do have to wonder WTAF is wrong with him, he's pathetic and boring. I don't work but have better things to do than sit around drinking, trashing my neighbours' stuff and abusing them.

*Sorry, not sorry. I give not one shiny shit about abusive cunts.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Reading your post genuinely upset me, especially knowing you have a life-limiting illness and just want to spend what time you have left enjoying your home with your daughter.

If I lived anywhere near you, I’d happily come and sit in the garden with you. Nobody should be made to feel scared to step into their own garden! You’re entitled to quietly enjoy your own property.
This doesn’t sound like a simple neighbour dispute anymore. I’d be asking the police to look at harrassment under the Protection from Harrassment Act 1997. A repeated course of conduct causing alarm or distress can amount to harassment. Repeatedly shouting abuse like “fat fuck” and “fucking twat” could also fall under the Public Order Act 1986.

Keep reporting every incident, video everytime he does this, even if you have your phone down the side, keep a diary, and if you can, get Ring footage. I’d also contact your council’s Anti-Social Behaviour team.

I’m just so sorry. Your daughter is only 11, and instead of spending this precious time making memories together, you’re being bullied in your own home. I really hope the police and Housing Association/council take this seriously. 💐

Hi OP, I am so sorry you are going through this hell, I think that until people have had awful neighbours it is very hard to understand how it impacts on every aspect of your life. I speak from experience and tried the folowing:
Police for the criminal damage, verbal threats and stones thrown at my back window and drug dealing While they took l it seriously and I felt that having it recorded was useful nothing was actually done/
Council I live in a selective licensing area and the council turned out to be worse than usless despite the house being an unofficial HMO, and various regulations being broken
Landlord: I wrote to the landlord on three occasions and had no response

The police did refer me to Victim Support and I had real support from them and a Community Trigger meeting was held, an action plan drawn up and to date , 6 months down the line nothing from this plan has been enacted. When i find the energy, I am going to email all the relevant parties and question why they have done nothing.
I am sorry to sound so negative and while i think it is always worth going down every legitimate route try and change things it hasn't helped me. What has made a difference is new tenants moving in, to date they are far less noisy, do not have drunken gatherings and do not shout and scream all the time. That really is it, those foul people next door to you won't change and in my experience there seems to be very little official measures that can help. I really feel for you

Do any other neighbours have difficulties with this family or have they reserved their anger just for you?

Yes! Around the same time. He was friendly at first then it all changed.

Crikey. Don’t let it lie. Sounds like a few people are not doing their job properly there

I’d love this but I’m not sure they’d come! It would be a bit awkward! Plus I don’t have a BBQ! Nice idea though and I’ll keep in mind the idea of getting some men round one way or another!

it may be more than you feel you can take on but this may be worth mentioning to police or social services?

Thank you. I the lady at the police control room was lovely to be fair to her, they just have no officers free for a call or visit until late next week. Will demand they at least issue them a Harassment Notice of some sort.

I didn’t realise the council had an anti-social behaviour team, thank you for this! I’ll be onto that on Monday morning 🫡

Hi OP

So sorry you're going through this and it's good to see that you've had some really helpful replies.

I haven't managed to read to the end so apologies if I'm repeating any advice, but I would agree with the poster who mentioned the ASB Review. For your area that would be:

https://www.northyorks.gov.uk/community-and-volunteering/community-safety/anti-social-behaviour-case-review

I'm going through a situation which has many similarities with yours and am just about to go through the ASB Case Review myself, so I really do understand ho hard it is.

Just from experience, there are a lot of hurdles to overcome with this type of thing, with long timescales involved. A few practical points:

• The housing association are talking bollocks about the three months (but don't worry because the ASB Review will be assessed by the Council).
• It might be suggested to you that you can go to the Housing Ombudsman, but in order to do that you will have been expected to exhaust the housing association's complaint policy. That's what I mean about timescales - it could be a few months for that. There is then the piece-of-string waiting time for the Ombudsman to allocate an officer to the case. I'm at this stage now - but I did have the added time of waiting for my MP to send it on my behalf.
• I agree about evidence capturing and I think the camera in the back is a great idea. If it's on your back door ( or somewhere on your side) then you aren't legally breaching anybody's privacy.
• Your MP might be limited in what they can do at the moment, but they may be able to support you with the ASB trigger process if you don't feel able to do it yourself. You might have the option of speaking with a member of the Community Safety Team at the Council if you get in touch with them - I was able to do this, but Local Authorities can differ hugely.

I really do feel for you and understand the feeling of being terrified to go outside (trust me!) I hope you can reclaim your peace and your lovely garden. It's easier said than done to not care and ignore the neighbours because I know that tightness in your chest when you have to build yourself up just to do basic things. I would say the camera is 100% the main priority (get it on Amazon for tomorrow delivery).

Then I would suggest spending the weekend choosing three examples of ASB in the past 6 months which you have reported. I was advised by the man at the Council not to include any examples from the past 28 days, as that would be seen as not giving the housing "adequate" time to deal with it. He said it doesn't matter what the examples are.

The team that deals with the ASB Reviews needs to be satisfied that it meets the threshold, so that's why I'm wondering if you might want to see if you can speak with them. What I did was dig out an email address and send them a message to ask about discussing an ASB Review. As I said, my Council were helpful (makes a change!) but hopefully yours will be too.

There are some email addresses listed on the side of this site which might be a starting point? Only had a cursory look, sorry.

https://www.nypartnerships.org.uk/nycsp

Wishing you all the best lovely. Keep going, don't give up x

Police report was made immediately but no officers free until late next week. In what context could I involve social services? Her child? I have no reason to question how he is parented tbh. I mean I do question it by my own standards, definitely! But I’m not sure I know enough to meet social services threshold.

You’re quite simply amazing! THIS is why I love Mumsnet, thank you so so much.

@MyKindHikerOmg this is genuinely genius. I can’t tell you the amount of times I could’ve used this service quite happily. Also, rent-a-friend when I’m feeling lonely.

My god some people are just utterly evil.

You're so very welcome - and yes it's great when the community comes together in support.

Feel free to DM me anytime if you want to. I wish this wasn't my bloody specialist subject but there we are...!!