My Dad has asked my opinion on a proposed change to his will.

[Shewas]

I have no idea what he's worth but he's always going on about inheritance tax, so I guess the estate is not insignificant.

He has two DDs and four DGCs (two each).

DSis is married to a man from a wealthy background, so DF is assuming she and especially her DC will do well from that side of the family.

My DH is deceased and we are not in touch with his family. I am full expecting DC will not inherit from them, and even if they did, I doubt there'd be much value.

I have always told DF to spend everything now and live as comfortably as possible, but that's not in his nature, so I'd expect what he has to be split equally between me and DSis, or as we don't need to money, perhaps equally between GC.

Dad is now talking about making things "fair" but not equal, by leaving a greater share to my DC, as the other GC will be so much better off anyway. I know no inheritance is guaranteed, but the other GPs have already set up trust funds for them.

So, I could see my DC advantaged, and I can kind of see the reasoning, but the whole thing makes me feel very uncomfortable. I'd hate there to be any kind of family rift, but also it doesn't feel right to advise against the interests of my DC.

FWIW I think Dsis would be hurt by Dad's actions but wouldn't take it out on me or DC, but people sometimes act out of character where wills are concerned.

WWYD?

What awful behaviour from your dad. He’s planning to control circumstances and relationships from beyond the grave. You’re falling into the trap by doing this ‘oh I could be disadvantaging my children’. Your dad should be splitting his estate half and half.

Is his estate even going to be liable to IHT?

Does your sister have children?

Leave it equally to you and sister. Only fair way. Circumstances change. My in-laws fiddled with their will and my husband is getting significantly less than his siblings one of whom is 70 and hasn't been in touch since the age of 16 and the other hasn't been in touch for 8 + years. My husband went every weekend to see his parents and we sorted all the care for them over the last few years, his mother was very dependent on him. It's left a bit of a bad taste.

I never agree with leaving money to grandchildren. The easiest and simplest thing is to divide equally between siblings. My mum spent lots of money on her grandchildren whilst she was alive. I had absolutely no issue with this as she could obviously do what she liked with her own money. However in her will it was split equally between siblings irrespective of whether they had children or not. Only fair way in my opinion.

its not really about the money. It’s the fact that our mum was thinking about us all and treating us equally in that respect. How do parents think siblings are going to cope after their death if there is not equal treatment.

Agreed. I wonder if,even inadvertently,you've been planting the seed in his head about how you see him more etc. very sneaky op 😔

So he’s favouring your children over his other grandchildren based on a mythical inheritance they might get but have no control over?

There is no telling what your sister and her children will inherit. That money could be needed for a million things before then.

You base your will on what you have to pass on. Not what others might or might not get.

She's obviously trying to get more for her kids and has come to mn to be absolved of guilt 🙄

I think it would be a shitty thing of you to agree to. Your Dad should split everything equally between you and your sister. If I was your sister I would think your behaviour was disgusting and greedy.
I’m in a similar situation as one of my siblings is almost non contact with my Mum whilst me and my other siblings are very close to her and to each other. We still all think it’s the right and fair thing to encourage my Mum to split everything equally.

OP,
what do you think your sister would think?

@Shewas Someone once said to me, “Fair & equal are two very different things, even though many people think they’re one & the same”. We were actually talking about annual
leave allocation at time, & people wanting the same summer weeks. I’ve not read the whole thread, but it seems to me that this is exactly your Dad’s way of thinking. In his eyes, he’s simply balancing out the finances - so it might not be a ‘fair’ way to achieve it, but it will make you & DSis ‘equal’.
If I were in your shoes, I’d thank him for asking your opinion & how much it means to you, but that it would make you uncomfortable to discuss this going forward & explain why. I don’t envy your position at all. And I also don’t think you’re being ‘greedy’ 💐

It's his decision, but it seems logical that he wants his GCs to all get a similar start in life and your DSis's children already have a step up, because of still having a father and even better a father from a wealthy family to look after them, your DCs just have you. He can explain why he has done what he does in his will.

He has no idea what his other daughter’s husband might inherit.
She will inherit nothing.

She might not stay married. She might have an accident. Every penny could be needed for care.

He shouldn’t predict the future.

I think it would be really disingenuous if the OP were to say she doesn’t want to discuss it when she knows not discussing it is more likely to end up with her Dad making and uneven split will. If she thinks he should leave her a bigger proportion of the will then she should at least be honest about it and agree.
If she claimed not to want to talk about it and then ended up with the bigger share then I guess she could pretend to her sister that it was nothing to do with her. She knows that her sister would be hurt if he did this so. If she cares about this then she will tell him to split the will evenly. It’s her choice but she can’t have it both ways.

It should be equal. Nobody knows what the future holds- your sister could divorce or be widowed. You could marry a millionaire. If you and your sister think otherwise when the time comes you can vary the will to avoid additional IHT

No that’s not far at all. Of course your DSis will be hurt . Equal split is the only fair way. Circumstances could change

He's not worried about me and DSis though, he thinks we're both OK. He wants to make things fair for "GC" and DSis' children do have trust funds that aren't going to be affected by divorce or care costs, even if they don't inherit.

Under Dad's new proposals, DSis and I both end up with possibly nothing, maybe a lot less than before. I'm not sure how that makes me greedy?

If he’s splitting the money 3 ways why would you end up with nothing?

It's absolutely nothing to do with "my" behaviour. Dad seems to think it's reasonable, I'm not sure, but even on this thread he's not the only one who thinks it's a reasonable thing to do.

I have already told him it's his decision but whatever he does he must make sure DSis knows beforehand. I'm actually not sure she'll be happy to have everything go directly to her DC. She lives a very nice life, but I'm not sure she has money to call her own, whereas her DC do!

I do think posters on MN love to put the boot in though. I imagine if DSis had posted, lots of posters would have been similarly harsh on her.

"DH is from a wealthly family, which we all benefit from. My DC have trust funds set up by DH's parents that provide them with a very nice annual income. They may also inherit well from that side of the family. Dsis was widowed with young children, struggled to keep a roof over their heads initially but has worked hard and done well, so that they now have modest but comfortable life. Her DC will not inherit from their other GPs.

DF is considering leaving most of his assets to my sister's children to make things fair and even things up, as he sees it, should I be OK with that? "

You don’t know the terms of your niece/nephews trust funds. You won’t know how they are invested or what the risks are.
Again you are making assumptions based on favouring your preferred outcome.

One of needs to talk to your sister - pretending it’s nothing to do with you whilst knowing in advance what is planned isn’t doing you any favours.

If he wants to help your children, he should do it now.

My mum was also obsessed with inheritance tax. But she needn't have bothered. Every penny that she had, including the entire proceeds of her large house, went on 15 years of care.

She'd intended to give my kids money towards a house deposit, but once she'd had her stroke, she couldn't, because it would be deprivation of assets. She was distraught that she could no longer spend her money as she wished.

So tell him that story (if you wish) and suggest that your dad open savings accounts for your children

He's not splitting it three ways. He's considering leaving more to me and DC than he does to DSis and her DC, but also leaving everything direct to GC, but not split equally.

My family is better off financially than my sister's family. We have prioritised different things in life and have pretty different attitudes. There are benefits and sacrifices to both directions we've gone in. We might have more money, but they have more of a social life and more free time.

I would be really upset if my parents thought that was a reason to not be equal if they did decide to leave us anything in their will.

And incredibly hurt if they felt my child was not as deserving as my niece.

Likewise, I wouldn't want my child to have more than my niece from their grandparents. Why set up division and discord as your last act for your family.

Yes, but that's not what's happened here.

Which would be hideously unfair, and shows him favourising one child/set of grandchildren.

If you want to give up your share of the inheritance to your children, by all means do that, but keep your sticky mitts off your DSibs share.

This is about your behaviour.

And posters would not have been harsh from your sister’s POV. MN posters are overwhelmingly on the side of equal split of assets between siblings in these cases, and I’m sure you know that.

Your sister being “rich” has nothing to do with whether her father should giver her equal treatment.