My Dad has asked my opinion on a proposed change to his will.

[Shewas]

I have no idea what he's worth but he's always going on about inheritance tax, so I guess the estate is not insignificant.

He has two DDs and four DGCs (two each).

DSis is married to a man from a wealthy background, so DF is assuming she and especially her DC will do well from that side of the family.

My DH is deceased and we are not in touch with his family. I am full expecting DC will not inherit from them, and even if they did, I doubt there'd be much value.

I have always told DF to spend everything now and live as comfortably as possible, but that's not in his nature, so I'd expect what he has to be split equally between me and DSis, or as we don't need to money, perhaps equally between GC.

Dad is now talking about making things "fair" but not equal, by leaving a greater share to my DC, as the other GC will be so much better off anyway. I know no inheritance is guaranteed, but the other GPs have already set up trust funds for them.

So, I could see my DC advantaged, and I can kind of see the reasoning, but the whole thing makes me feel very uncomfortable. I'd hate there to be any kind of family rift, but also it doesn't feel right to advise against the interests of my DC.

FWIW I think Dsis would be hurt by Dad's actions but wouldn't take it out on me or DC, but people sometimes act out of character where wills are concerned.

WWYD?

The trusts won't go to care fees, that's one of the reasons they were set up.

Are you the executor OP?

I think everyone is different. Personally I’d be fine with this. my sis gets more than me because she needs more, me and my husband are better off (nothing crazy, we
just earn quite a bit more) so my dad gave her money for a deposit, he wanted to give me the same but I suggested he gave it to her as for us it wasn’t immediately useful (ie would just be more savings).

Atm this is a fictional will. In the current will, which splits everything between me and DSis (no GC) we are both executors.

And that's the will he should stick with.

It would be utterly unreasonable of him to give you/your children more in the will, and you'd be an utter arsehole to accept it.

I think you're greedy and want more, even though you know it's morally unacceptable and will destroy the relationship with your sibling and nephews/nieces. You're trying to justify the morally unjustifiable.

He's not going to stick with that will because he doesn't want to leave as much to me. He says because I don't need it and it will likely end up taxed again or going to my care, but I suspect also with a mind to what happens to it if I remarry. His friend remarried and all his money ended up with new wife's DC.

This is a tricky one but I have to admit if I was in the position your DSis, I would be happy for your dc to get more.

The sister may well be. She should be party to the discussion.

Your DSis needs to be part of the conversation. It’s entirely your DF decision but she needs to know his reasons…and it not be left to you to explain.

One thing my dad is doing is gifting the grand kids money now every year, I think it's £3K each under IHT threshold. And buying one off things like sofas for them and his DC - his thinking being that the taxman won't check to see if the money spent at DFS from his account matches the sofa in his house.

Could he start to do stuff like that for you?

Whatever. But you shouldn't get more than your DSib, and your children shouldn't get more than their cousins. That is unless he wants to directly show favouritism, and destroy the relationship between his children and his grandchildren.

Personally, I'd tell him to leave it as is, and you/DSib can rewrite the will to pass it directly to your DC as you wish. Fairest and most sensible way all round.

Stop being greedy, and do the right thing, OP.

The only fair way is the leave half each to you and your sister.

As he’s asked, I’d say leave it 50/50. I would not mention the grandkids (only as a ‘if my DD has predeceased me’ thing). Your sister may be happily married now, but what if they divorce? What if you meet someone tomorrow and your fortunes change? What if someone loses a job, has more kids etc. He shouldn’t base his ‘equitable’ Will on how things are now. Things change.

If I were him I'd be setting up a trust fund for your kids like your sisters kids have and then splitting the rest equally between you and your sister. Then the kids are on an even footing and you as siblings also get the same.

I do resent the suggestion that I'm being greedy. I've been telling him for decades to spend the lot, and I haven't done anything in this situation.

So leave money to 2 grandkids, and cut out the other 2 grandkids?

Not remotely fair. Assuming he loves his children equally and his GC equally, then his funds should be left equally.

'Fair'is just a perspective and even is even. I think 'even' has much less possibility if being hurtful. The only person who can really advise him is your sister.

That's the second time this has been suggested but how do the maths work? What is the "rest"?

It also makes things just as unequal as splitting the will unequally.

He's not going to cut anyone out, but is considering leaving more to one "side" than the other.

You are being greedy if you remotely entertaining the idea of you or your DC getting more than your half fair share. It's that simple.

You should be telling your DF to split anything he has left equally. The only reason to not do that is greed and wanting a bigger slice of the pie than you're morally entitled to.

I don’t think there should be any hard and fast rule EXCEPT that all beneficiaries should be in agreement. People tend to be so wary of talking about inheritances and death, I think they find it mawkish. To me, it’s as much a fact of life as births which we make such a to do about.

In my mind, a person is free to do whatever they want with their money. Normally, this involves leaving some to children and grandchildren. It’s crazy to leave equal amount when there’s existing wealth disparity. People do this because they erroneously think this means the deceased loved them equally. In which other circumstances - eg during life - is that the case? If one child won £5,000,000 on the lottery aged 27, yes her mother would treat her the same when he came to the number of slices of roast beef at Sunday lunch, but surely not when it came to helping with a house deposit?!

This is exactly the same.

The one and absolutely crucial caveat is that all these discussions - I love you the same, this is nothing more than financial stability and me wanting to do what I can to ensure my grandchildren are roughly equally well off when they go into the world, I don’t want suffering in any of my children or grandchildren etc etc etc - have to happen before the will is signed. The adult children are owed an opportunity to express themselves, to explain how they feel and the benefactor should respond as he/she thinks appropriate. This should all be done in good time.

I just don’t get the point in being secretive and then dying, leaving a mess for the very people you wanted to benefit.

Well tell him now to give you and your sister 50/50, since he's involving you in his decision 🤷‍♂️

But you won't, because as you said upthread, you want your kids to have more.

I don't get to "tell" him anything. He makes that very clear.

For various complicated reasons (gifts/house deposits in earlier life) my sister is leaving one son 60% and the other 40%. They both fully understand and accept the reason for this. It needs to be explained, but especially to your sister.

I haven't said I want them to have more at all. I've been on my with for them, doing my best for them for a long time. I'm just thinking about the implications of both ways.