My Dad has asked my opinion on a proposed change to his will.

[Shewas]

I have no idea what he's worth but he's always going on about inheritance tax, so I guess the estate is not insignificant.

He has two DDs and four DGCs (two each).

DSis is married to a man from a wealthy background, so DF is assuming she and especially her DC will do well from that side of the family.

My DH is deceased and we are not in touch with his family. I am full expecting DC will not inherit from them, and even if they did, I doubt there'd be much value.

I have always told DF to spend everything now and live as comfortably as possible, but that's not in his nature, so I'd expect what he has to be split equally between me and DSis, or as we don't need to money, perhaps equally between GC.

Dad is now talking about making things "fair" but not equal, by leaving a greater share to my DC, as the other GC will be so much better off anyway. I know no inheritance is guaranteed, but the other GPs have already set up trust funds for them.

So, I could see my DC advantaged, and I can kind of see the reasoning, but the whole thing makes me feel very uncomfortable. I'd hate there to be any kind of family rift, but also it doesn't feel right to advise against the interests of my DC.

FWIW I think Dsis would be hurt by Dad's actions but wouldn't take it out on me or DC, but people sometimes act out of character where wills are concerned.

WWYD?

Just be honest that you want your children to receive a bigger inheritance OP. This is not about being a sounding board for your father, is it? It’s about trying to justify this when the time comes. Your sister’s finances have got nothing to do with you, stop trying to excuse your behaviour and way of thinking and just be honest that you want more of your dad’s money.

So why is he playing God with his money and involving you?

"50/50 since you asked dad, it's the only fair way. Now, do you want a cup of tea?"

No, that's not what I'm doing at all. If anything I'm trying to explain our father's reasoning to myself.

So why are you even asking this question if you aren't intending to influence/steer him? It hardly necessitates a MN post if you've said clearly "Dad, I'm not getting involved, you need to make your own decisions".

You said that he asked for your opinion. So, he’s asked but you aren’t allowed to actually give it?

Is any MN post a "necessity"? I was surprised when he raised it and am pondering the thinking behind it.

Obviously you want your children to get more so I think you should step out of it and just tell him to do what he wants with his money but not to involve you.

Otherwise it just looks like you are persuading him to give you more.

Ermm yes you did...

"I'm also not sure I'm right to advise against improving my DC's financial situation."

This is my take on it too.

I'm pondering whether it's you who raised it and got him thinking about it.

This

I think what your dad is proposing is fine, but it needs to be done with your sister's blessing.

We inherited substantially from DH's side of the family and also have high incomes. My siblings are unlikely to inherit from their partners' families.

If DM approached me about potentially leaving more/all her estate to my siblings I think on balance would agree that it was the right thing to do and give it my blessing. If she just arranged it that way based on her assumptions about out financial situation (which she doesn't have the full details of) and without talking it through, I would be angry and hurt.

Perhaps not reasonable of me to make that distinction, but it's how I'd feel.

I had a similar conversation after father considered treating his children differently. I said simply that they were all his children and should be treated equally. I felt that it would create future discord if my siblings were treated differently. It was that simple for me as I have always tried to treat my children equally. I have also found that sibling’s family relations often disintegrate after a parent’s death. You must be happy with what you decide to advise him, as you may become a target if one of the family does not agree, falls on hard times, divorce, etc. I wish you luck.

No you’re not. You have given so much information about your sister’s marriage, her finances, her in-laws, her children’s finances, her relationship with your father, the tax implications etc. You have clearly been thinking about this quite deeply and are comfortable with and probably even hoping for this outcome. You just don’t want to be painted as the bad guy. Which you are.

When someone around you behaves badly (as is the case with your father) you don’t have to join in with that behaviour, you know that, don’t you?

Yup. Wrapped up as concern about IHT no doubt.

I have seen this question a few times in the Telegraph money section. Without exception the advice is to maintain an equal split. Someone should not cause bad blood between their offspring after they’ve gone, and also no one knows what the future holds for the “richer” party.

If he wants to give you a boost, give each of your kids a cash gift now that is never mentioned, based on the current perceived inequality.

But the will should be split equally.

Both to preserve your relationship with your sister and because a lot of assumptions are being put on your sister's relationship long term, and her DH money, both of which could change.

I think it would be entirely reasonable for him to set up some kind of savings/trust fund for your children now, so that all his grandchildren have some money in the future. Yes, circumstances change, but your sister's children are not going to lose their trust funds.

Wills probably should be split fairly, because they are really significant and enduring at a difficult time. But it would seem mean if your sister resents him giving your children a small measure of the advantage her children have been given.

OP I’d be hurt by that if I was your sister - even with wealth, no inheritance is guaranteed. We’ve had it in our family where care fees and age - one side living frequently to be above 100 - means that generational wealth for inheritance means very little (for eg. When adult children have died before parents, grandkids have been unable to do full time care due to having their own young children and early/mid career jobs, and care - especially home based care can cost a lot). Your dad is planning for now, but there’s no guarantee of what the future will bring. IF the trust funds are accessible now (you mention the GC are in their 30’s) could he talk with your sister and share money now with your children so they have security? (I’ve never quite understood the logic of same being “fair”, I’m older than my immediate siblings and grew up much poorer - by the time my siblings were teens/uni age they could be supported, whereas when I was at that stage, the business was just surviving. I don’t think it’s unfair for me, it’s lucky for them) surely similar applies to your kids? Would they really expect the same as your cousins? Coming from a different set up? But I do get why your dad may want to support them.

however, after that…and in death, surely any split should be equal?

Everything should be split equally in the will. However there’s nothing stopping him now in creating a trust fund for your DC separately.

He needs to speak to your DSis to see how she feels about this. While her current situation means her DC are likely to inherit more , what would happen if she were to divorce - she could end up in a very different financial situation. While your DF intentions are admirable , making wills which split assets unevenly between children / grandchildren almost always causes dissent and ill feeling in the family and often leads to rifts. ( seen this so many times over the years where parents thought they were doing the right thing but in reality caused nothing but hurt and family resentment). Personally I would - if my DF had asked my opinion - say that he should include all my siblings in the discussion and consider equal shares say 50 / 50 between siblings or split 1/3 to each of the two siblings and the remaining 1/3 between the GC. That way everyone sees it as fair and feels equitable. No use predicting what the future might look like as no one knows.

I can’t possibly think of a situation where my husband and I wouldn’t leave our estate split equally 3 ways. Regardless of how well my children marry or not, how well financially one is better off than the other. I can’t comprehend it and personally I wouldn’t entertain it. My kids are still small but my mum has spoken to me about inheritance (almost like she expected me to go don’t worry I will give my share to my brother sort of thing) and I was not amused.

Alternative perspective here. DH and I are very comfortable and our DC have all benefited from this through tutoring, holidays, extracurricular activities, no university debt, driving lessons, first cars and insurance etc.

They will get a help on the housing ladder, we pay for whole family holidays still including SIL and DGC and they will inherit well when we pass.

My siblings all have different household incomes, on Niece/Nephew has special needs and therefore their mum stays at home through necessity rather than choice. We try to help by covering the costs of some things like large family gatherings, fortnightly physio appointments, helping where we can when a piece of equipment is required like a trike etc.
I would wholeheartedly encourage my parents to leave ‘my side’ a smaller share of any inheritance. I would much rather see it go where it’s genuinely needed and be left something of sentimental value.

This. He can support you more NOW, when he’s around to explain it to DSIs if needed, and the inequality between you is obvious.

Then inheritance can be equal.

My moderately wealthy parents are leaving it 50:50 to my sister and me.
She has 6 children, I have 1