Do people still teach children basic table manners at home?

[Lolabear38]

I grew up in a house where table manners were explicitly taught from very young age. Nothing drastic, the main ones were nobody starts eating until everybody’s sitting at the table, nobody leaves the table until everybody’s finished, you put your knife and fork neatly on your plate when you’re done, no singing at the table etc. My partner on the other hand grew up in a house where none of these were enforced and as such he doesn’t do any of these. He’ll start eating the second he sits down, leaves the table and walks away the second he’s done (taking his plate with him), licks his knife and a couple of other things. Now that we have children I think it’s important that they learn good table manners and I’ve spoken to my partner about this and he just doesn’t see it’s important. He claims that nobody he knows focuses on table manners anymore?! Is he right?! What do you do in your homes?

I absolutely do notice table manners. My husband and I are the same as you, he doesn’t understand the importance after all these years.
Kids are young, so tricky at thier age without it being a daily battle but I definitely will integrate it slowly. Just hope they don’t take after their dad 😅

It’s difficult to sustain without modelling, although luckily we ate at places other than home often enough for other people (grandparents, other relatives, friends etc) to land well.

I’m not bothered about young ones staying at the table, though. They know it needs to happen in restaurants but at home or at friends, the kiddies can disappear off when they’re done. You can then get a bit of adult conversation!

We do a mix tbh. Same basics as you, I grew up in a household which was HOT on table manners, DH not so much.

So the compromise is we're quite relaxed with our standards at home (other than speaking with mouthful and no shovelling food, and we do tend to wait till everyone is seated before we start), but we talk about how expectations are different at home vs elsewhere. So if we eat out, or are dining with friends/family the children know about elbows on the table, using a knife and fork nicely, not scraping on the plate, not overfilling their mouths, waiting till everyone has finished before they ask to leave the table etc.

Sometimes they need a few reminders when we're out but on the whole it works for us 🤷🏼‍♀️

Edit: also re kids staying at the table, am not bothered by this one but I do have a rule that if you're not at the table you don't get to talk with/interrupt/distract those who are at the table. So either you sit down and join the table chat or you go do whatever you want to do and leave the people sat around the table to enjoy the last of their meal/ coffee/chat in peace. We use the Bluey method of putting your hand on someone's arm if you want to interrupt. Again, works for us.

I grew up in a loose table manners home, by that I mean when we did sit at the table we were absolutely expected to behave properly, no elbows on the table, knife and fork placed together when finished, asking to leave the table when done. But, we didn't eat at the table very often, especially as we got older we became a dinner on the sofa family, so no real need for these manners.

DH and I eat dinner on the sofa, but we try to sit at the table with DCs for their meals. I am less fussed on 'etiquette' stuff like where you put your knife and fork when you're done, and more focussed on not being disgusting people to eat around. So cutting your food into appropriate sized bites, chewing with your mouth closed, not getting food all over the table etc. DC are 4 and 1, so very much a work in progress!

As they get older I'll probably lob more etiquette stuff in so they know what is appropriate e.g. at a more formal dinner. But I literally don't care if they have their elbows on the table at home, or if they leave the table when they're done. Rather have them off playing happily than ruining the rest of the meal for everyone else. Also as an adult I cannot bear being held hostage at the table by the slowest eater, so I don't enforce that for our kids.

I think there’s a balance my kids are older 11-15 but had good manners drilled in when they were little. So appropriate cutlery usage, no
licking of crockery. I serve dinner family style so central plates you may serve yourself (a reasonable portion) when you sit but wait till everyone is together to eat. They can leave when finished taking place setting to dishwasher.

They also know restaurant rules / big gatherings with family that you wait for others/ chat politely to those seated next to them. Ask to be passed things rather than reach across someone. Try and eat at the same pace as those around you so no hoofing it down.

I think you can find a middle ground, they can learn table manners but your version doesn’t need to be implemented at normal evening meals. Keep basic table manners through all meals though, like not licking your knife for example. My kids no what table manners we use at the grandparents or in a restaurant, at Christmas etc, but at home on a Tuesday singing at the table couldn’t be a bad thing, I don’t care if your knife and fork aren’t lined up etc

It is less important for the children to perform correct table manners every single time than it is for them to understand how to behave in a nice restaurant/as a guest in someone’s house/at a formal occasion like a wedding.

The benefits of having nice manners (and not just table manners) become increasingly important as your children get older.

And yes, you need to start young.

My aim was always to make sure that I could confidently take my children anywhere and know that they would know how to behave appropriately in that situation.

Hot on table manners in this house. I want my children to feel comfortable and hold their own wherever they end up in the world. Table manners are still one of those things that marks out a person and upon which judgements are made. It would be doing a disservice to not help children in this way.

I think there's a middle ground between yours and your partner's experience. And also being realistic about children's development at their age. No singing at the table breaks my heart, what's wrong with that?? I think it's more important to focus on things like not getting food on the floor, not making loads of mess on themselves, not shouting/screaming, if they don't want to eat something just leave it (don't throw it). You want to make meal times enjoyable not a regime or a battle as it'll give them a negative association with food. What's wrong with eating when you sit down (what else are you meant to do?)

No singing at the table is more to enable conversation to flow - singing can be done almost anywhere else at almost any other time of the day. Conversation allows for turn taking and more people to join in - one person or a group of people singing a whole song/ verse when a meal has been served means it’s not getting eaten. I have no problem if other people choose to do this but those are my reasons for not wanting it at my dinner table. Singing is very much a part of the rest of our life, just not when sitting at the table for a meal 🙂

We were also taught that it’s polite to wait until everyone is sitting before starting to eat - we serve food family style and as the person who does almost all of the cooking I appreciate it if people wait for me to join the table before they start their meal. We’re talking a minute or two while I finish up or am bring in the ketchup or something and come and join in, so not a long time. I just think it’s nice and respectful to wait until everyone has joined the table for a communal meal.

I don’t think our meal times are any more or less stressful than others, it’s not military style regimented or anything. I’m really just interested to hear other perspectives 😃

There are some quite varied responses which is interesting! I’m curious about those who say they don’t enforce these table manners at home but teach their children the importance of table manners in other settings - how do they know this without practice? Genuine question! My thinking is we do it at home (partly because I think it’s important anyway) but also because they do it at home it’s not as difficult to do it when we’re outside the home? It kind of becomes the expected norm wherever we are.

I think there’s a balance, and knowing that different places require different behaviours. My kids know how to behave when eating in a restaurant, they know that a formal meal with extended family means they wait for others, aren’t up and down from the table and they take part in chatting. At home they know to wait for everyone to be seated, and to come to the table quickly so people aren’t waiting for them. Chatting, and singing, are welcome and I don’t mind if they excuse themselves before we’re all finished.

It’s more important to me that they can flex their behaviour depending on where they are than they have perfect manners all the time.

I agree there’s a middle ground, I definitely focus more on eating nicely (not chewing with your mouth open/ not shovelling food in) than proper etiquette, and alongside it will sometimes say, “as long as you don’t do it like that when you go for tea with the prime minster” if they lick a knife or whatever.

For me, I think the most important thing is that eating together as a whole family should be a pleasure for everyone - and that includes the kids not being constantly nagged. I think ultimately if you model good manners your kids will pick up on them.

They practice in those places. We took our kids out to eat regularly when they were small and taught them to behave nicely in restaurants. They had regular meals with family members and learned by watching and copying others (and of course were instructed by us and other family members).

It’s usually recognised that children are learning so they don’t need to get everything right every time and I want them to know there are places they can relax (at home with family) and not worry about putting their cutlery in the right place or chat with their elbows on the table. Mine are teens now and I can trust them to behave appropriately in most places.

I totally agree with you OP. Manners, particularly at the table are so important.

Who needs to be holding a bloody choir practice over dinner?

We used to have meals on Sundays that were a bit more formal than week night meals.

Meals with grandparents and visitors required higher standards of table manners.

Meals in restaurants required higher standards than a meal in a cafe.

It’s no different than teaching any kind of behaviour, your children presumably understand that different standards of behaviour apply in a park than in a classroom or a church.

Totally agree.

We were big on table manners right from the start, including needing to ask to be excused if you really had to get up to go somewhere.

Seeing how some of my BIL and SILs kids behave regularly treminds me why we taught manners (eg. watching them use their hands to grab food from shared bowls/put stuff back into shared bowls using hands/constantly get up and wonder around during meals/ being allowed to roam around restaurants grabbing cutlery off empty tables to play with etc...)

My brother and SIL ‘don’t believe in table manners and all that stuff’ and it’s pretty unpleasant to eat meals with them. My children argue about who has to sit near them at family meals, and we try to limit eating with them where we can.

It’s often very clear who has been taught table manners and who hasn’t. Eating politely is for the benefit of your fellow diners, those that don’t care tend to be pretty selfish in my experience.

Thanks all! It’s really interesting to hear so many different approaches. I suppose my theory is if we teach table manners consistently - at home every night and when we go out - I’m hoping it becomes second nature? And just to clarify, our meals aren’t strict, military style occasions! I try to teach table manners incidentally as a part of the meal and I don’t consider that it’s stressful or not fun. Family meal time is something that’s really important to me and we’re lucky that both of our jobs allow us to sit down and have a family meal together at least five nights a week. I think ultimately, even though my partner isn’t on the same page in terms of table manners it’s something that I will still maintain. He doesn’t have an issue with me doing it he just doesn’t necessarily do it himself!

I think it’s important to teach children table manners and correct use of cutlery from a young age. We regularly took ours out to restaurants and they learned how to behave. There weren’t any tablets etc either. In the house we always sat at the table. They’re now adults and can hold their own in any occasion.

Knowing the correct behaviour for the occasion builds confidence. and no one wants to sit next to someone with bad table manners. So, yes, absolutely.

I'm not too bothered about elbows on the tables, but eating with your mouth closed, waiting for others to eat and keeping your cutlery tidy is bare minimum!

The basics can be taught and instilled from a young age in your own house/flat/palace. My toddler nephew can sit at the table and eat with a knife and fork. He even spread hummus on his bread (picnic lunch) the other day, his older brother (7) got me to do it for him even though he can do it!

I find, personally, instil good manners at home, then it’s fairly easy to do when you’re out at a restaurant. Start with the basics and work up. Keep on with them, then it’ll come naturally. A napkin (or folded kitchen towel) is good for your lap or wiping mouth/hands at home. I also think it’s a good life lesson to learn as it means you’ll be comfortable at a silver service restaurant and other dining events should you ever go to these. Same if you go to a buffet, afternoon tea, whatever the occasion, follow etiquette around that. The one thing I would say is grace isn’t necessary unless you’re religious. But if other religions cultures have rules/traditions around the dinner table eating then follow those.

The odd sofa lap meal is fine but I’d keep that as a treat.

Same with me and DB and his kids. We’re all off to a Japanese restaurant tonight after work ends (5pm) for DNephew’s birthday, his choice. He’s 8 today.

May be a cross to die on but I would speak to your DH about basic table manners as it’s best for both parents to do them. Licking a knife is disgusting. I’d worry the kids will get mixed messages if only one of you enforces table manners. Stress to him from this thread how it’s important for them in later life.

Yes, absolutely. I mean, anyone starts eating as soon as they have their food in our house because I can’t plate up that fast and it’s rude to make everyone wait 5 minutes til their food is cold. But yes, otherwise they are expected to eat nicely. We’ve had a proper family dinner together every night since they were probably 12 months, so they know table manners are expected.