Do people still teach children basic table manners at home?

[Lolabear38]

I grew up in a house where table manners were explicitly taught from very young age. Nothing drastic, the main ones were nobody starts eating until everybody’s sitting at the table, nobody leaves the table until everybody’s finished, you put your knife and fork neatly on your plate when you’re done, no singing at the table etc. My partner on the other hand grew up in a house where none of these were enforced and as such he doesn’t do any of these. He’ll start eating the second he sits down, leaves the table and walks away the second he’s done (taking his plate with him), licks his knife and a couple of other things. Now that we have children I think it’s important that they learn good table manners and I’ve spoken to my partner about this and he just doesn’t see it’s important. He claims that nobody he knows focuses on table manners anymore?! Is he right?! What do you do in your homes?

Can I ask how old your children are?

I have a 4 year old and 1 year old, and am trying work out the right level rules to enforce with my 4 year old. As said above by others, I focus on not eating in a disgusting way, not chucking things he doesn’t want off his plate, not taking too much and spitting it out etc. Using cutlery is still a work in progress but I do insist on a fork not fingers when it makes sense etc. Having done a lot of baby led weaning when he was little, where fingers are heavily encouraged, it’s hard to know when to row back from that but he uses cutlery fine at school.

Same with DD who is 1, she uses a mix of fingers, spoon and fork as she wishes, and we do also move bits of food off her plate onto the clean plastic place mat so it’s cooler and easy to grasp. Not good manners but works at home.

I don’t believe in making them wait till we all sit down, as they’re usually ravenous, and also then they’re more likely winding each other up if they don’t have food to distract them. Grandparents have always fed the children first too so why would I have stricter rules at home?

I’d like to work harder on ensuring polite conversation - DS does like it to revolve around him, but we tell him off if he’s being too overbearing.

I don’t make him stay at the table when finished but I insist that he clears his plate and carries it to the kitchen, as I want him to be a man who cleans up after himself!

Some times it’s hard to know when they’ve reached an age where they can handle the next set of rules so it could be that I need to step up a bit.

Is this shit what they call "gentle parenting"?

When you see kids in school eating bolognaise, peas, rice with their fingers
no they don’t 🤢

Being an uncultured swine is not a virtue

I have the same issue + my husband frowing upon any house improvements and my cleanliness standards saying „my mother called people like you house proud and she didn’t mean it as a good thing”. Well my MIL was no Martha Stewart to say the least and I would definitely not take life advice from her seeing who she married.

Your children will only benefit from being taught manners. One day they will be employed and in various social circles. You don’t want them to stand out and not realise why people give them judgemental looks while they’re licking a knife in a restaurant or gobble up food before everyone is served

It's what they call not forcing anyone to sit at a table, waiting for the slowest eater to finish their food.

Table manners- like all manners really- are cultural so I think you really need to challenge yourself on making judgements about others for theirs.

holding a British white middle class centric view of what’s right and wrong over things that don’t impact anyone can be discriminatory but also show up a real lack of diversity of experience

Your partner’s habits would give me the ick, so yes, manners are important. I think his habits go beyond no teaching of manners as a child though. Surely by now he’d have observed people tend not to lick their knives…? That’s just gross.

No elbows on the table and using specific hand for knife and fork - dumb and archaic.

Elbows on the table can be very uncomfortable for the person next to you.

And being left the last person eating at the table when everyone else had disappeared used to make me think I might as well have stayed at home. What was the point of me being there if I was just going to be sitting on my own?

I think it's one of the more valuable lessons to learn, because it shows - we all eat, every day, so if you don't have manners then it's pretty obvious.
Growing up the rules were that you wait until everyone is sat down to start, no elbows on the table, cutlery placed neatly when you were finished and no leaving the table when people were still eating without asking permission. At the time my parents had a rule about no tv in the kitchen, and when mobiles became a thing, no mobiles at the table. It was just me and my parents, and generally we sat at the kitchen table long after meals were finished just talking if nothing else needed done cause it was the one time where you sat down properly and had a conversation. In primary 1 I vividly remember idly licking my knife at school dinners and one of my classmates telling me that you shouldn't do that. I wouldn't have done it at home but clearly I was lazy at school and got called up on it from this boy in my class...at that age! Would you still ge that? Probably not.

My husband's family didn't all eat together. They had the kids mealtime where they kids had their food, then the parents ate theirs later, so nothing was modelled. They had the tv on, there wasn't any conversation - at best there was no bickering! It was just refuelling time, essentially.

Now maybe that is the difference between a family with one child and a family with five. But I valued the time for family conversation and I feel like I'd have missed out on so much by not being involved in the adult meal.

I agree with @RunningForCalm

I couldn’t date a man who behaved like your DH. That would give me major ick. Good manners are an attractive quality. Not many people want to date a slob.

I sometimes get up and start tidying (in the same room) while my kids are still eating, is that wrong? They take their time and have fruit/yogurt etc after their mains which I don’t bother with. Also the baby takes an age so it would be really unfair to punish DS for that? I would just find it a hard rule to stick to day to day.

I’d never abandon a guest alone at a table though, so I’m not sure what you mean by ‘should have stayed home’?

People definitely do notice table manners, or more accurately, the lack thereof.

I was brought up to wait until everyone was served or until told to start earing. We always said grace before eating, so it was sort of understood that you could start after that. We had to ask to be excused and then brought our own plate to the kitchen. Eating with knife and fork or spoon was expected, and the table was set with placemats, napkins, etc for every meal.

For my own DCs, I taught them to use knife and fork the British/ Irish way and they learned the American style from exH. We set the table for dinner every day. We often served dinner family style, so when grace was said everyone started reaching for food and passing bowls. I helped the youngest. The DCs could ask to be excused once they had eaten enough, and brought their plate or bowl to the kitchen. After they left the table they had to go off to play quietly and not bother or distract those still eating.

There was absolutely no knife licking, nose picking, taking food from others, slurping, chewing with your mouth open, talking with food in your mouth, spitting out food, whining about what was served, or blowing bubbles in your drink.

I sometimes see kids who have absolutely no experience of eating a meal from a plate, at a table, occasionally. I suspect the lack of manners comes from kids eating separately from parents.

I understand your point, but (and without giving too much away) neither my children nor I lack a diversity of experience. Far from it. Also, my belief is that it’s not a bad thing to follow or hold onto a particular culture’s system, particularly if that’s the system you grew up in. I also think it’s a stretch to look at other people’s table manners as discriminatory. My partner is from the same culture as me - as are his family. I’m not making judgements on anyone else’s table manners I was simply asking what others do.

“I sometimes see kids who have absolutely no experience of eating a meal from a plate, at a table, occasionally. I suspect the lack of manners comes from kids eating separately from parents.”

or maybe they’re Pakistani or Nigerian and have different ways of eating to you.

This thread just reinforces how systemically racist we are.

If you have diverse experiences why do you think it’s rude to eat with your hands?

plenty on this people have said they judge people’s manners and they teach their children so that they won’t be embarrassed later in life. Which is tough for the west African who lands here for a formal dinner and missed out on all that- but at least our children will be here to judge and not give him the place on the course/ job he came for 🤨

Cutlery and napkins are practical. You use them to eat and to wipe your chin if you lose a drop of sauce.

There is no binary between manners on the one hand and relaxation on the other. It's possible to be polite and mannerly and happy, all at the same time.

Im a dinnerlady and table manners are generally lacking. The constant reminders to use a knife and fork and not their fingers. Speaking with mouth full shouting across the room to ask if they can move on to pudding. No please or thankyou.
I repeat myself over and over again. But if its not being enforced at home then 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think good table manners are important and hope we are instilling them in our children.

I remember the time my DS's friend came over. He scoffed a few mouthfuls, said 'I'm done!' and jumped down from his chair. I politely told him that's not what we say in this house and you can wait for everyone else to finish!!

I’d never abandon a guest alone at a table though, so I’m not sure what you mean by ‘should have stayed home’?

These were family occasions. Christmas, birthdays, family gatherings. So I didn't live there but had done in the past so wasn't entirely a guest.

Massive thing in my house growing up and hugely important when raising our children.

I used to see the way some (not all) of their friends ate (and these are all MC kids from affluent families) and I was somewhat horrified. Chewing/speaking with open mouths, drinking with food in their mouths/not holding cutlery properly/not putting cutlery down apart from at the end/wolfing down food/making smacking noises/abandoning cutlery at the end of meals…it was like feeding time at a pig farm.

I’m not bothered about singing at the table, but tbh not sure it’s ever happened to me. Hated no elbows on the tables as a kid and I still hate it now😂 Also not bothered if people start eating before me in my house, but I will always wait for everyone to start if I am out or at someones house for dinner.

I do hate it if people get up to get a drink and don’t offer anyone else one though, I find that really rude.

I think you can loosen the rules at home as long as you/the kids know how to behave in public and in other peoples homes.

Ds was taught how to behave when in company, at home we always ate together at the table, but we were much more relaxed if just family.

I grew up in a poor home. There were no rules about leaving the table or when You could start. However my parents made sure that we knew how to use a knife and fork properly. No elbows on the the or speaking with your mouth full. My grandmother was a real stickler for table manners. She grew up in the Edwardian era when eating was conducted like a military operation.

or maybe they’re Pakistani or Nigerian and have different ways of eating to you.

Or maybe @mathanxiety actually knows they're not? 🤔

We were taught proper table manners and I’m glad of it. I have to go to a few formal enough work lunches these days. There have been grown adults who stab food with a fork and eat it like a lollipop. Starting before everyone has been served. Mouths open. Poking their phones. Knife and fork in the wrong hands. It just doesn’t go unnoticed, like it or not.