Thoughts on this conversation

[HomeForTheAnimals]

We went to a party for our friends parents at the weekend, had a lovely time, lots of people we knew were there and others who we hadn’t met before.

I got chatting to 3 women and did the usual polite conversation and asking how they knew the hosting couple. The conversation moved on to work and what each of us did. Two worked, one was a SAHM with young children and I told them what my job was before I had children but that I hadn’t gone back to work.

One asked how old my children were, I told them. (20, 17 and 15). She said ‘so you must be going to go back to work soon the after all that time off’ which I found a bit passive aggressive, but just said that I wasn’t going to return to work as I liked being home and didn’t need to go back.

One of the other women changed the subject to talk about a song that was playing but the other woman continued to talk to me. She said ‘so what do you actually do all day?’ I said I take my middle and youngest kids to and from school but other than that, my time is mostly my own.

I said something about the food coming out soon to try to change the subject again, one of the other women said she was hungry so she hoped so, but the woman continued with, ‘what do you do between picking up your children? I said anything I fancy and listed a few things like going running, looking after our animals (we have our own and we foster dogs), cooking, gardening, seeing friends etc.

She asked ‘so do you class yourself as a SAHM then?’ I said I didn’t really think about it, I suppose so, but that my husband jokes I’m just retired. The other 2 women laughed, one said she wished she was retired but had 20 years work left yet.

The other woman continued talking to me saying ‘I don’t really think you can class yourself as a SAHM when your children are teenagers, by that point you just don’t work’. 😬😅

The other 2 looked shocked and I was getting a bit fed up of her questioning and said I wasn’t aware there was a cut off age, but I don’t really feel strongly about how I’m categorised and being classed as not working is fine by me. The other women laughed. The woman still continued saying something about how she feels it’s important to have a more in your life than children, which I did find quite rude. I said that it’s a good job I have lots of other things in my life then, made my excuses and went to find my husband.

One of the other women found me later on with my husband and said that the other woman was a very full on and we had a laugh at the awkwardness of the conversation.

Would you have found the questioning as strange as we did? It didn’t feel like nice chatty conversation like you have at parties. What would you have said? Do people really care if others don’t return to work? Would you actually question someone as much as this? I felt like I needed a lie down afterwards. 😂

Taken separately a lot of those questions could be either genuine curiosity or a put down.
The fact one if the other women went to talk to afterwards about how awkward that woman was, or that the other women tried their best to change subject show you that she was rude. You felt it. The other two women did too.

fwiw, I find it interesting so many posters are judgemental about you not working.
Neither in RL, at that dinner or on here, do you have to explain your whole life and why you are doing xyz.
you could have caring responsibilities fir aging parents. For one of the dcs tyat migut be a teenagers but needs extra support. You might have a chronic illness. Or migut have had a huge inheritance that allows you not working. Whatever the reason, no one is entitied to either a reason that is thought to be ‘acceotable’ or to judge away other people’s lifestyle.

Why the need to define the OP in terms of her position in the family unit? Why the need to decide if she is a "wife" or a "mother"? Or indeed "working" or "not working"...She doesn't need an "occupation" to validate her existence. Whether that is inside or outside the home.

I wish it was more acceptable for everyone to just be a person in their own right. There are many reasons why "work" can be a tricky topic at a party. Having known many people who hate their jobs or feel completely unmoved by their paid work but have interesting hobbies, or have chronic illnesses or disabilities that prevent them from doing paid or regular work, I try my best at parties to never ask someone about their job. I ask open questions about what they do to fill their days or what they do for fun etc.

@HomeForTheAnimals the party guest was overly intense and rude.

If something someone says bothers you then it has struck a nerve
What nonsense. If someone is intrusively badgering you about something in a clearly hostile manner, it's normal to be annoyed by that. That annoyance doesn't necessarily imply a wider point about your feelings on the subject being discussed.

I work and always have done. I have friends who don’t work. I don’t understand the world they occupy and they don’t understand mine
Again, what a weird take. I work, and have friends who don't work or are retired. I assume they get on with other things they enjoy, or just chill out, and can well imagine myself enjoying being in their position. We do things together, have lots in common and find plenty to talk about.
"Don't understand each other's worlds" indeed. How pompous and overblown.

It was a bit of an interrogation, wasn't it? I think she was likely incredulous, but then became judgemental as she went on. It's difficult for some people to fathom that others can be quite content not working outside the home and that if they are a SAHP can continue to be happy not returning to their former careers.

I had a similar experience with an elderly relative tbis week who told me it was a waste of talent and a waste of my education that I don't work ... I didn't engage too much and did some changing of the subject, thankfully my aunt came to my rescue... he was rude.. without a doubt.

She was rude but I probably would be surprised if someone with kids the age of yours described themselves as sahm.

It is for me a job taking care of younger children. I also do personally find it strange when any adults doesn't want to work and engage with life but her manner sounds inappropriate for a party I agree.

It depends on the tone. I am always curious about how people fill their days, whatever reason they are home. It tells you about the person and may well be a conversation starter in itself. Say you did art, ooh how interesting, what do you like to paint, do you ever exhibit, who are your favourite artists etc. finding out about your interests is conversation.

You handled the rude women very well, I like your style.

Thank you for looking after the animals, people like you do such important work, without you and your families kindness they would suffer.

It sounds like she was interested in your life OP and that you are a bit sensitive and she was a bit overbearing. To someone who has never had time off work and may not have had the choice to have long maternity leaves etc it can be like a peek into an alternate universe.
Eg I work part time, when I was full time I would have had no idea how to fill all that time. Now I fill the time with chores etc I did in the evenings before. And then feel guilty I'm not being more 'productive' .
The way to deal with it is to tell her about yourself and then ask her about her life : I bet that's interesting too.

I think that woman was hellishly rude. What business was it of hers as what your situation is, and to keep up the interrogation!! What an unbelievably nose y piece she is!

She sounds rude and judgemental. I'd just make a semi polite excuse and walk away if she starts going on about it again next time you see her. Or drill her back about what she does with every hour of her day everyday.

Please tell her you have a cleaner next time you see her and watch her head explode 😁

It sounds like the woman was rude in delivery/persistence perhaps but fair enough for her to be curious and ask questions and fair enough if you didn’t want to keep answering them.

Up to you how you live your life and you no doubt have made choices that work for you and your family. And like you say, she has no idea about your life and what challenges you may be facing.

At the same time, it isn’t the case that everyone can choose to not work for whatever reason as it’s simply not financially viable. Many people don’t have the time or headspace to think or engage in activities outside of work/other commitments. People whose ‘whole identity’ is work is often due to work pressures to perform and the need to keep that job and/or more complex reasons relating to self worth/fear for reasons that are not completely within their control.

So in answer to your questions:

It didn’t feel like nice chatty conversation like you have at parties.
She was perhaps a little rude/pushy but conversations at parties can go beyond the nice chatty stuff. Your choice if you want to engage in that.

What would you have said?
Just briefly explained why and as you did try to change the conversation if I didn’t want to engage further. Likely asked her to tell me more about herself as people tend to enjoy that! Might also give a better idea where she’s coming from.

Do people really care if others don’t return to work?
Of course as many people do not have the option.

Would you actually question someone as much as this?
Probably not if I sensed they didn’t want to discuss but based on my own very different life circumstances I would be curious and quite envious as I’d love to stop working but I can’t.

Best wishes.

She was rude pressing the point but I get the curiosity, because you are an anomaly. I'm sure you and your DH are solid, but I do hope you have a financial back-up plan for yourself should things go south.

I think she was rude . I wouldn’t dream of speaking to someone like that at a party, regardless of what my position is on women who don’t work

I wouldn't judge your life at all. You do whatever you want and can.

She was a mixture of curious, jealous and rude imo. I don't find it rude to ask what someone does. My job is a bit complicated and not very clear from my job title so I am often asked what I do all day and what does it entail. I assume the woman was just curious mainly but definitely slightly judgy and most definitely jealous. I do also ask my retired ex colleagues what they with their time now because I am genuinely curious.

What would you have said?
Just briefly explained why and as you did try to change the conversation if I didn’t want to engage further.

@Bestfootforward11 why would the OP explain why she is chosing to not work?
You realise that the reason would then scrutinised to see if that reason is valid enough right? She was a stranger met a party from friends, not even an acquaintance. I’m not sure why she was entitied to an explanation to the ins and outs of the OP’s life.

Forgetting the conversation, but I'd be asking myself (if I was you), how would my position look if my DH left me or died? Are you okay financially if that happened? Because it sounds like a very precarious position - no income and a blank CV.

I guess she did just struggle to get her head round why an intelligent woman with a degree would be happy feeding and mucking out animals, running, gardening etc. I have to admit I do, too.

Wow, that is such a twisted way of thinking.
So is work the only interesting thing you have got in your life and you don’t have much going on in your life apart from work?

She was rude, you were gracious to keep answering her nosy questions!
Personally, I would have ended the conversation and moved away much earlier.
You don't owe explanations etc to anyone. At a party the point is to have a nice time not grill strangers about their lifestyle.

Some people just seem to have no filter and fire out questions as they pop up in their heads. I hate it. Not sure how I would be able to handle it, probably would manage to walk away aftere answering a few questions I didnt want to answer.

You really have to work on your imagination and general awareness if it is such a struggle for you to get your head around someone else’s choice of lifestyle which happens to be a perfectly normal one

She’s envious of your situation and is one of those people who has no insight into her feelings so has to take it out on you. Sounds like you handled it with dignity. I’m not sure I would have been quite so restrained.
Keep on enjoying your life and don’t give her another thought.