Thoughts on this conversation

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We went to a party for our friends parents at the weekend, had a lovely time, lots of people we knew were there and others who we hadn’t met before.

I got chatting to 3 women and did the usual polite conversation and asking how they knew the hosting couple. The conversation moved on to work and what each of us did. Two worked, one was a SAHM with young children and I told them what my job was before I had children but that I hadn’t gone back to work.

One asked how old my children were, I told them. (20, 17 and 15). She said ‘so you must be going to go back to work soon the after all that time off’ which I found a bit passive aggressive, but just said that I wasn’t going to return to work as I liked being home and didn’t need to go back.

One of the other women changed the subject to talk about a song that was playing but the other woman continued to talk to me. She said ‘so what do you actually do all day?’ I said I take my middle and youngest kids to and from school but other than that, my time is mostly my own.

I said something about the food coming out soon to try to change the subject again, one of the other women said she was hungry so she hoped so, but the woman continued with, ‘what do you do between picking up your children? I said anything I fancy and listed a few things like going running, looking after our animals (we have our own and we foster dogs), cooking, gardening, seeing friends etc.

She asked ‘so do you class yourself as a SAHM then?’ I said I didn’t really think about it, I suppose so, but that my husband jokes I’m just retired. The other 2 women laughed, one said she wished she was retired but had 20 years work left yet.

The other woman continued talking to me saying ‘I don’t really think you can class yourself as a SAHM when your children are teenagers, by that point you just don’t work’. 😬😅

The other 2 looked shocked and I was getting a bit fed up of her questioning and said I wasn’t aware there was a cut off age, but I don’t really feel strongly about how I’m categorised and being classed as not working is fine by me. The other women laughed. The woman still continued saying something about how she feels it’s important to have a more in your life than children, which I did find quite rude. I said that it’s a good job I have lots of other things in my life then, made my excuses and went to find my husband.

One of the other women found me later on with my husband and said that the other woman was a very full on and we had a laugh at the awkwardness of the conversation.

Would you have found the questioning as strange as we did? It didn’t feel like nice chatty conversation like you have at parties. What would you have said? Do people really care if others don’t return to work? Would you actually question someone as much as this? I felt like I needed a lie down afterwards. 😂

Very rude

OP you can see from this thread the amount of bitterness and jealous there is around this!

Your life sounds nice and I'm sure some people envy it.

FWIW though, you foster dogs, that's what you 'do' whether it's paid or not. Surely that takes up a large amount of your time?

You do you, OP & take no notice. I had assumed (and your most recent post has confirmed) that she’s envious; as it seems are some people on here. Her questioning was rude and her comments highly inappropriate. Your financial status and what you do with your time is nobody else’s business. Why has her behaviour unsettled you so much do you think? Hope you can forget this and move on

You were so polite! I'd have shut the Madam down quicktime! Christ almighty does she think she works for GCHQ. Pokenosed twit!

So desperate to put others down, she sounds like she’s miserable in her own life - leave her to it OP. She was being rude, definitely not just curiosity. Others have probably had the same experience - that other woman noticed didn’t she. Carry on being happy OP! 🌺

I have difficulties in social situations and would probably be curious too as to why or how you're not working. I like most other women have had to work all my life and been the main breadwinner, as was my mother, and now my daughter, in my family. I prefer to chat to people that are straightforward (or brusque!) such as Australians as so many of us, particularly in the South of England, are so careful not to upset or be seen to be rude. It appears that you have never had anyone actually challenge you on your lifestyle. So I'm envious but wish you all the best and it's nice to hear that some of us have easier lives.

If this ever happens again shut the questions down early. Leave the 'what do you do all day' hanging in the air. You dont have to answer at all. Her suprise at your situation isnt your problem!

She was horribly rude and probably very jealous. Why else would someone who was secure in their own position feel the need to do that? You dealt with it with such good grace and you don’t come across as “sensitive about your position” 🙄

Sahm is more associated with pre school DC so I suppose she's right definition wise, but why did she care so much? Must just be her personality, she's most likely as intense with everyone, also probably a bit envious, like many of us! X

She was trying to embarrass you, by implying you are lazy or something. That might be her opinion on scant information but it's rude to press someone on their life choices. For all she knew you might have disabled children, elderly parents and a full calendar of voluntary work.

But what other title is there for mothers who aren’t in employment?

I am not a housewife. My DH does most of the housework.
I’m not retired because I’m too young.
I’m not unemployed because I’m not seeking employment.
I’m not a SAHM because my DCs are too old.
I’m not being funded by my DH, so I’m not a ‘kept woman’.

If people ask I tell them that I’m not currently in work due to disability which I suppose is true, but even if were well enough, I wouldn’t go back to work because I don’t need to. That stops people making judgements, but why do they judge? I’m not claiming benefits, so my lack of employment is none of their business. My DCs grew up hardly seeing me because I was out from 6am-8pm every day. They also appreciate that the lifestyle we have now is a result of that hard work.

And no, I don’t feel a moral need to volunteer. I was a young carer for my DM and DBs from the age of 8, and had my eldest DC at 17. I’ve been looking after others and working like a dog all my life. This is my time now and despite my health challenges I absolutely love it!

Husband left her? What a shocker 😆

She was rude and jealous. I too have had similar encounters with rude and jealous women who hate that I didn't need to go back to work after having children. I do a bit of part time work here and there, but not cause I need the money. I made sure I invested well prior to leaving work so I can live off that passive income. Some women and their envy is so unpleasant.

Good luck with the wedding, think I'd enjoy fucking with her there...ask some incredibly intrusive and probing questions as to why her husband left her, see how she likes that 😂

Agree very rude and dull person. Somemmany diferent topic of conversation to explore.The OP fosters dogs.I'd be asking her about that. 😁

Yes but there is "just asking questions" and not letting something drop...and not reading the social clues of someone's disengagement. This is clearly the latter.

OP I would have felt the same at the persistent questions. I suspect underneath it she was incredulous you could be in that position and perhaps subconsciously envious. Or just lacking in social etiquette.

OP, would you mind sharing how you came to be financially independent? I’m looking for inspiration, as it sounds like you’ve built a brilliant life and designed it just as you want it to be. The freedom you have is amazing. I’d love to be able to work towards a similar setup.

This,OP. It isn't her place to offer her opinion on whether how you spend your day meets her approval or to comment on your financial or family circumstances. I think if you are pressed like this in future you should pronounce yourself a dog fosterer and if anyone asks about the salary agree it is negligible but the job satisfaction makes it worth it. It might at least move the conversation on to something worth talking about. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone, OP, at a party or elsewhere as far as I am concerned. You were right to ask if this was unreasonable. It was.

She was 💯 rude OP , she singled you out , & why did she do that ?, because she is jealous that you did not have to return to work 🤷🏻‍♀️.

To the bullshit posters on here with their , “ oh it must be hitting a nerve , why else would you leave it bother you “ , right back at you guys, why else come at the OP 😂

People judge, for whatever reason. Let it go over your head and live your life how you please.
We're not on Earth to work our lives away, so if you don't have to, enjoy it!

This would be view too.

My view

Yes I agree with this.
I would also think it was odd that you mentioned a job you haven't done for 20 years. And I would be intrigued about what you do every day and why you don't want to work (separately from not needing to). But these would be in my head thoughts or something I would talk about behind your back

I think when you have little kids you expect them to grow into teenagers that don't need or want the same support.

Now I have a teenager I would love to be a SAHM Mum because I think she would really benefit from extra support when she gets home to work through the day, with homework etc. If I didn't have to work I would definitely stay home to give her that extra support at this critical time.

Ha ha love the guesses. That would be a coincidence
Woman one: I'm a famous singer
OP: oh that's funny, I was a famous singer before I had the kids
Woman with no filter: get a bloody job

Sorry I hadn't RTFT. Makes sense why you mentioned your job if it was the same as one of the other women

Absolutely agree, well said 👏.