Thoughts on this conversation

[HomeForTheAnimals]

We went to a party for our friends parents at the weekend, had a lovely time, lots of people we knew were there and others who we hadn’t met before.

I got chatting to 3 women and did the usual polite conversation and asking how they knew the hosting couple. The conversation moved on to work and what each of us did. Two worked, one was a SAHM with young children and I told them what my job was before I had children but that I hadn’t gone back to work.

One asked how old my children were, I told them. (20, 17 and 15). She said ‘so you must be going to go back to work soon the after all that time off’ which I found a bit passive aggressive, but just said that I wasn’t going to return to work as I liked being home and didn’t need to go back.

One of the other women changed the subject to talk about a song that was playing but the other woman continued to talk to me. She said ‘so what do you actually do all day?’ I said I take my middle and youngest kids to and from school but other than that, my time is mostly my own.

I said something about the food coming out soon to try to change the subject again, one of the other women said she was hungry so she hoped so, but the woman continued with, ‘what do you do between picking up your children? I said anything I fancy and listed a few things like going running, looking after our animals (we have our own and we foster dogs), cooking, gardening, seeing friends etc.

She asked ‘so do you class yourself as a SAHM then?’ I said I didn’t really think about it, I suppose so, but that my husband jokes I’m just retired. The other 2 women laughed, one said she wished she was retired but had 20 years work left yet.

The other woman continued talking to me saying ‘I don’t really think you can class yourself as a SAHM when your children are teenagers, by that point you just don’t work’. 😬😅

The other 2 looked shocked and I was getting a bit fed up of her questioning and said I wasn’t aware there was a cut off age, but I don’t really feel strongly about how I’m categorised and being classed as not working is fine by me. The other women laughed. The woman still continued saying something about how she feels it’s important to have a more in your life than children, which I did find quite rude. I said that it’s a good job I have lots of other things in my life then, made my excuses and went to find my husband.

One of the other women found me later on with my husband and said that the other woman was a very full on and we had a laugh at the awkwardness of the conversation.

Would you have found the questioning as strange as we did? It didn’t feel like nice chatty conversation like you have at parties. What would you have said? Do people really care if others don’t return to work? Would you actually question someone as much as this? I felt like I needed a lie down afterwards. 😂

i dont think you need to feel insulted by her
it is a very common question, what do you do
remember in About a Boy, rich Hugh Grant did nothing, lived off the royalties of his father's record. at a party, had nothing to say!

for conversation purposes you could have said you have horses

The point that it became rude is when yourself and others were attempting to change the subject and she carried on.

I would too. I’m aware it’s a me problem not a you problem though. I live in a different country where SAHP are pretty unusual. My bias would think you must be pretty boring because you don’t have much going on in your life that would interest me. But like I say. A me problem not a you problem.

I was so-so, until reading your second paragraph. That explains what’s been keeping you busy. Well done for the animal rescue work btw - I only have some rescue cats, but hopefully temporarily looking after a young Guide Dogs while they are being trained (go to Guide Dog school?!).
If I was you, once the incessant questions started, I would have tried to change the focus onto things you are doing now, instead of work, such as all the animal wrangling.

Their school isn’t within a walkable distance and not easy to get to on public transport from where we live, so it’s easiest that I take them and pick them up. They do occasionally make their own way home to our local town but it take ages and they need picking up from there as there isn’t footpaths on some of the roads so it wouldn’t really be safe to walk it. 17 year old is currently learning to drive though.

Flipping heck. You do work! You appear to run a small menagerie.

If you get the third degree from someone again just tell them you look after unwanted animals. It's true.

Definitely rude. She probably never met a SAHM before. She was trying to make you feel inferior by belittling you. I suspect though she might be someone who grills everyone a bit, if you mentioned a current job she might have kept questioning that too. The bit about how you define yourself was simply bitchy though, no excuse for that.

tbf I think as much as people should accept your life you need to consider that in our capitalist society when people are grinding 12 hours a day they dont have much else to talk about.

To be honest, I suspect you're being over sensitive and over thinking.

I had the extreme good fortune to be able to leave the world of work four years ago, ahead of state pension age. And at first I had a similar feeling of slightly squirmy embarrassment / self justification you appear to have. At first it was good old middle class guilt about my financial privilege; then it was the 'what am I doing with my time?', a question I used to be curious about myself as to what retired etc people actually do.

Then when my embarrassment faded after a year or so and question 3 would arise at social gatherings - ie 1) what's your name? 2) how to you know X?, and 3) what do you do/where do you live? - I would answer confidently and with a smile, 'I'm a Pensioner!' and enjoy the usual look of surprise. And I'd answer the 'what do you do question?' truthfully and concisely and without smugness or shame. And the usual response - oh, you're so lucky!!

So I think a lot may depend on your demeanour and confidence (or otherwise) in answering an otherwise innocuous question.

One person I met in a similar situation to you when asked the usual question of 'what do you do?' would reply deadpan, 'I'm a trophy wife', before smiling when she saw the look of people's surprise at her response.

Enjoy your lucky life!

Envious/Jealous isn't the right language here. It's far more likely that she was judging you enormously for not making the same decisions as she did. It's NONE of her business why you have chosen not to work and quizzing a stranger on that is definitely rude. Comments like "what do you DO all day" are loaded with judgement, they are inferring that unless you have a paid 9-5 job, you are sitting at home watching telly.

It really was none of her business, and she overstepped.

From some of the replies here, it seems she wasn't alone with her curiosity and judgment....

Yes, I am financially secure if the worst happens. Thank you, I do understand the worry over women being reliant on their husband/partner and them not being financially independent. That isn’t the case for me though and I don’t think this woman’s interest stemmed from concern.

I can totally understand why she got on your wick, she was rude/badgering/hounding - and no I don't agree with PP that she must have hit a nerve. You were trying to be polite and she wasn't, in all honesty by the middle of that exchange 'what the fuck has it got to do with you' would have been a reasonable response.

FWIW I'm childfree AND job free - that gets some people's knickers in a twist but that's a 'them problem' - I'm VERY happy with my life which is more than a lot of people can say.

Yes, very rude.

i agree with her that you’re not a SAHM and are just choosing to be unemployed.

When mine were 17 and 15 years old their schools were 17 and 12 miles away respectively. We also had no public transport within walking distance. No pavements, 2 way single track roads with passing spaces

Senior schools aren’t exactly within walking distance

She wasn’t concerned she was intrusive. I’m more surprised that you’ve never met this particular take on your lifestyle than that someone felt the need to have a little poke at you. It’s no different than when you meet a racist or someone with “opinions” about weight or anything else. The women judges people based on how they earn a living. My default response is usually to say “I sunbathe a lot” and find someone less bigoted to talk to as quickly as possible.

My own dd has 2 young dc and works 4 days a week. She still comments that I hardly worked after her older db was born.
I did 4 mornings a week.
I loved my part time life and never saw the point in working more when I could do what I liked every afternoon.
Dh worked long hours and our weekends were more enjoyable because I got most things done in the week.

I think the perception is different if you're reliant on a man vs being self reliant, like you are. You're right in that in it's none of their business, but I suspect the judgement would have been very different had they known you have your own money. It changes the power dynamic in the relationship.

But also, it's still none of their business so whatever!!

What age was she @HomeForTheAnimals ?

She was rude! My own view on this is much more nuanced these days.

I have a friend who doesn’t work following her having to give up work and become a full time career and after that was done and she was traumatised, people just could not get it. At all. They would go on and on like this lady, even when she explained the situation and the terrible trauma, and not understand that she could just jump straight back in where she’d left off.

I’ve also been that idiot frankly. There was a time when work was so tied into identity for me and I remember having a convo with an incredibly busy mum just assuming she’d go back when she was flat out with her four kids. I still think of that convo sometimes and feel so ashamed of not being more aware really.

I think this is one of those topics that people just tie into their identity and so your set up makes them feel sort of righteously indignant, rather than open minded, nuanced and respectful. She was probably quite jealous on a subconscious level too.

Hope the dog feels calmer now! And you too. Enjoy your time and your day, and I’m sorry she acted like that. Not cool.

That sounds amazing. Tell me how!!! Or better still can I move in too? Like one of your injured animals. I won’t be any bother. I promise! 😁

I didn't get the feeling from her posts that OP was embarrassed to have to "own up" to being jobless. Which I think is what you and @aurpod1980 are suggesting?

More like @HomeForTheAnimals felt hounded by the other party goer, it would bother me too to have someone dig into my life especially if there was an undertone of judgment. That's a big car, as many children as that eh, private education eh, SAHM eh? etc

I disagree . I think the women questioning was sensitive about op “not working “
op sounds pretty happy and delay with it very well z

It does sound a bit rude and insensitive. Like she was trying to make some sort of point. Definitely her problem. She needs to let it go!