Thoughts on this conversation

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We went to a party for our friends parents at the weekend, had a lovely time, lots of people we knew were there and others who we hadn’t met before.

I got chatting to 3 women and did the usual polite conversation and asking how they knew the hosting couple. The conversation moved on to work and what each of us did. Two worked, one was a SAHM with young children and I told them what my job was before I had children but that I hadn’t gone back to work.

One asked how old my children were, I told them. (20, 17 and 15). She said ‘so you must be going to go back to work soon the after all that time off’ which I found a bit passive aggressive, but just said that I wasn’t going to return to work as I liked being home and didn’t need to go back.

One of the other women changed the subject to talk about a song that was playing but the other woman continued to talk to me. She said ‘so what do you actually do all day?’ I said I take my middle and youngest kids to and from school but other than that, my time is mostly my own.

I said something about the food coming out soon to try to change the subject again, one of the other women said she was hungry so she hoped so, but the woman continued with, ‘what do you do between picking up your children? I said anything I fancy and listed a few things like going running, looking after our animals (we have our own and we foster dogs), cooking, gardening, seeing friends etc.

She asked ‘so do you class yourself as a SAHM then?’ I said I didn’t really think about it, I suppose so, but that my husband jokes I’m just retired. The other 2 women laughed, one said she wished she was retired but had 20 years work left yet.

The other woman continued talking to me saying ‘I don’t really think you can class yourself as a SAHM when your children are teenagers, by that point you just don’t work’. 😬😅

The other 2 looked shocked and I was getting a bit fed up of her questioning and said I wasn’t aware there was a cut off age, but I don’t really feel strongly about how I’m categorised and being classed as not working is fine by me. The other women laughed. The woman still continued saying something about how she feels it’s important to have a more in your life than children, which I did find quite rude. I said that it’s a good job I have lots of other things in my life then, made my excuses and went to find my husband.

One of the other women found me later on with my husband and said that the other woman was a very full on and we had a laugh at the awkwardness of the conversation.

Would you have found the questioning as strange as we did? It didn’t feel like nice chatty conversation like you have at parties. What would you have said? Do people really care if others don’t return to work? Would you actually question someone as much as this? I felt like I needed a lie down afterwards. 😂

You don't work. Thats fine if your husband is loaded. My boss's wife is the same. Its a very privileged position.

Its not like you're trying to pass yourself off as a stay at home mum anyway.

My brother in law is similarly supported by his wife, its unusual. That's why they questioned you.

I think in future don't mention a job you did 2 decades ago and just style it out. You don't work. You don't need to. You're happy. Your husband is happy.

She was rude but you are a housewife not a sahm with no young children.

She sounds like she was spoiling for an argument and annoying everyone - not just you - hence the other women repeatedly trying to change the subject. Your life is none of her business and you certainly don’t need her approval. If I saw her in the street, I’d cross over.

As for the SAHM part, she put the words in your mouth then told you off for it. She’s batshit.

I would love to be in your position, sounds fabulous and I could easily fill my days. She might have been jealous / implying you’re living off the state / or just curious what you do all day since that’s a lot of free time.

I honestly wish I’d thought more about this before I got married and had kids. I’m glad I have created some security for myself working but god it would have been nice to be present for the kids and not work. Working full time since they were 6 months old and doing it as a single parent from 3 & 5 has been totally exhausting and I absolutely hate my job.

Just a bit!

I wonder if there's any way to bring a conversation back to a more enjoyable footing once someone has got a bee in their bonnet like this. “Why so many questions?” is a nice suggestion. It's not agressive and it could be enough to help someone realise they're being too full on.

Housewife is fine with me, although my husband would laugh at the description with my lack of actual housework. 🙃

Housewife, SAHM, not working, retired, dog fosterer, anything else really, all good with me. It’s not as important to me as it clearly is to some others.

Thank you for this and to @SparklyGlitterballs for suggesting it. This woman will be at a wedding we are attending soon so I will try this if she starts with all the questions again. I think it’s difficult at parties when you want to just keep things light and fun but this may work. 😊

I can understand asking whatbdo you do with your time since the children are older.
Maybe finsing out what interests you have or being pushy i dont know...some people have no life or ibterests besides working.
I get asked what will I be doing all weekend after my working week...sometimes after the weekend..doesnt really matter, as long as you are happy.
Tell them you have no specific role...thats very 2026.

you are in quite an unusual position though op
you must have had this type of question before

I think you are unusual in this day and age. She was rude asking so many questions. But I guess it’s rare to meet someone who has no need or desire to work for such a long period of time.

It sounds to me like the other lady is jealous.

You run your own race.

As long as you're happy, that's all that matters.

She’s jealous and rude to hound you but you didn’t do yourself any favours calling yourself a SAHM. She’s right that by now you simply don’t work. You need to own that and just say “I’m lucky I don’t need to work.”

Don't work, no young children to look after, not doing much housework, time with animals and spending your days doing as you feel...sounds wonderful, where can I sign up

Of course it’s rude.
She is probably jealous, I am!
I would love to be able to work less hours. Dh and I have both said if we won’t the lottery tomorrow then we would pack work in.
I know lots of women who have retired early and they absolutely will not be going back to work, Admittedly they are probably older than you op.
All the DCs are adults, mine are too.
As for what you call yourself I wouldn’t say it’s a sham, your children are far too old for that.
The term housewife seems very old fashioned but I guess that does fit the description. It’s just not very fashionable now.
I’ve just had annual leave and people have asked where I have been.
I’ve stayed at home, trying to get jobs done. That’s the really of it.
If I didn’t work then I would do these jobs as a matter of course.

She was rude but probably has a full on job and is rushing around trying to get house/ life admin done evenings/ weekends and a bit jealous of your free time.

Ive worked and not worked ( not through choice) and it always amazes me when back in work mode what the hell i did all day when not working!

Rude, unfriendly behaviour: avoid her at the wedding!

people like to ask questions
someone asked me why i wasnt full time
i dont think it is rude
just direct

But I didn’t really. She asked me if I called myself that, she put the idea forward, I said I didn’t really think of it, I suppose so, I don’t care how I am categorised and that being classed as not working or retired is fine by me. I was just trying to get her to stop going on really as my ‘job’ title really isn’t important to me.

I did say that I don’t need to work but I wouldn’t have said ‘I’m lucky’ as I think that could sound smug and as if I’m saying the two that did work are unlucky. I don’t think the woman would have been happy with that as she seemed to like her job, like many people do.

Don't feel that you need to fall into a 'category'. You are you.

It's none of their business xx

I think everyone would realise you are lucky to not have to work to be honest!! Like really lucky although the money to afford you not working may have come from tragic circumstances.

Perhaps "I'm fortunate I don't need to work".

It is unlucky that most people have to work, works shit!!

I think she was a bit rude. But I do agree with her sentiments. The idea of a woman just faffing around for her whole life is very trad wife. I've never met a woman like this, or at least, not in the last 30 years.

I definitely wouldn't be envious of it. I'd find it weirdly purposeless.

Difficult to tell whether she was rude or curious, but it did sound like she laboured the point a bit. Also sounds like it strike a nerve that it bothered you so much.

She was jealous but so would I be if I was chatting to someone who hadn't had to work for over 20 years. I would never be so rude as to question it though.