Thoughts on this conversation

[HomeForTheAnimals]

We went to a party for our friends parents at the weekend, had a lovely time, lots of people we knew were there and others who we hadn’t met before.

I got chatting to 3 women and did the usual polite conversation and asking how they knew the hosting couple. The conversation moved on to work and what each of us did. Two worked, one was a SAHM with young children and I told them what my job was before I had children but that I hadn’t gone back to work.

One asked how old my children were, I told them. (20, 17 and 15). She said ‘so you must be going to go back to work soon the after all that time off’ which I found a bit passive aggressive, but just said that I wasn’t going to return to work as I liked being home and didn’t need to go back.

One of the other women changed the subject to talk about a song that was playing but the other woman continued to talk to me. She said ‘so what do you actually do all day?’ I said I take my middle and youngest kids to and from school but other than that, my time is mostly my own.

I said something about the food coming out soon to try to change the subject again, one of the other women said she was hungry so she hoped so, but the woman continued with, ‘what do you do between picking up your children? I said anything I fancy and listed a few things like going running, looking after our animals (we have our own and we foster dogs), cooking, gardening, seeing friends etc.

She asked ‘so do you class yourself as a SAHM then?’ I said I didn’t really think about it, I suppose so, but that my husband jokes I’m just retired. The other 2 women laughed, one said she wished she was retired but had 20 years work left yet.

The other woman continued talking to me saying ‘I don’t really think you can class yourself as a SAHM when your children are teenagers, by that point you just don’t work’. 😬😅

The other 2 looked shocked and I was getting a bit fed up of her questioning and said I wasn’t aware there was a cut off age, but I don’t really feel strongly about how I’m categorised and being classed as not working is fine by me. The other women laughed. The woman still continued saying something about how she feels it’s important to have a more in your life than children, which I did find quite rude. I said that it’s a good job I have lots of other things in my life then, made my excuses and went to find my husband.

One of the other women found me later on with my husband and said that the other woman was a very full on and we had a laugh at the awkwardness of the conversation.

Would you have found the questioning as strange as we did? It didn’t feel like nice chatty conversation like you have at parties. What would you have said? Do people really care if others don’t return to work? Would you actually question someone as much as this? I felt like I needed a lie down afterwards. 😂

She was rude and nasty. Wasn’t it Hilary Clinton who said something sneering about women who stay at home (what am I gonna do? Bake cookies all day?)? This woman sounds the same. It wasn’t just that she didn’t think looking after teens was work, she even made a disparaging remark about ‘all that time off’ to include when they were younger.

Looking after children and a household is work just as much as any other work. Just because it’s almost always women who do it, it’s looked down on and sneered at, often by other women. These women are motivated by jealousy but also by a misplaced sense of superiority.

You were far more polite than I’d have been.

'Strike a nerve' insinuates that something the woman said was true instead of offensive. Being offended, by someone trying to offend, doesn't mean what they said was true.

She was very rude.
I stayed home till all my children were in school, then worked term time till 'retiring' at 55. My life has never been 'purposeless' . I count myself lucky that I never had the pressure of trying to fit everything in, but could never, ever have been described as a 'trad wife'!
Your lifestyle is no-one else's business.

Were you talking to Rachel Reeves? She’s very concerned about the economically inactive I believe 😂

What business was it of her's to ask that barrage of intrusive nosey passive-aggressive questions? I would have shut her down a lot sooner than the OP did and if necessary move to a different group of people.

I have to admit I was a bit taken aback meeting someone in her 50s the other day, 4 kids and had never worked. I was ant a bit of a loss for a minute what to talk about, just for a few seconds, the conversation moved on. … And a friend of a friend who retired in her 30s…her husband works hard to support her.

but party woman wasn’t reading the room and that was rude.

She was rude but at what point is saying you’re a SAHM not applicable….

I am very far from my understanding of a trad wife. I only cook a few times a week, my husband, sons and daughter cook regularly. I don’t do very much housework as we have a cleaner who does our washing, ironing, changes beds etc. My husband is just as likely to do housework as I am. I don’t believe in gender roles. My husband dropped down to 4 days a week when our children were young so he could be more involved. Decision making in our house is equal.

Faffing around? At the moment, (as I said in my OP) I spend a lot of time with our animals. We have rescue horses, chickens, we take in injured wildlife and foster dogs. Over the years, I have, fostered cats, cared for an elderly relative until they died, helped at my children’s school, all whilst raising my children and taking some time for myself to see friends, gardening, exercising etc. Just faffing around though. 👍 I understand that it’s a privileged position to be in, but to dismiss my life as ‘faffing around’ is an ‘interesting’ take on things.

I know one woman who fosters animals and she's rarely off her feet for ten minuts in a day.
But why do you need every person you meet to share and reinforce your own values and preferences in life? Would you feel the need to teach someone you met at a party the error of their ways?

But if you sat on your arse all day and watched TV, why would you care that others cared? They don't pay your bills or own your life.

So basically you are just rich. It’s not really a SAHM thing.
The only thing I’m curious about is why can’t your 17 and 15 year old walk to school?

She sounds very socially awkward and bad at conversation. Although a lot of women with younger children do like to make being a SAHM their identity so maybe she was chippy you were comparing yourself to her Herculean sacrifice.

in hindsight you should’ve just laughed and said “I’m just rich”

Purposeless? What a strange idea, that purpose only comes from paid work. My purpose has always come mainly from community work and home building. Work is ok but it doesn’t change the world much.

She was extremely rude and jealous but you're also not a stay at home at this point, you just don't work which is great.

For 5 years, whilst at college and university, I worked between 16 and 30 hours a week. I then worked full time for 12 years after university. There are plenty of things to talk about other than work though.

I agree with you. I work part-time from home and am running around after 2 small kids but the idea of ever getting bored is simply beyond me. And the tv is never on in the day either.

I think you should tell her next time that you are actually the owner/manager of an animal rescue facility and then hit her up for a donation for the animal feed. She will be gone in seconds!

She was rude.

She was right.

Jealousy and rudeness.

The woman was rude - you don't start questioning a stranger's life choices like that.

Since you've asked here for people's thoughts - you're lucky to have the choice not to work. I'm childfree and would have no trouble at all filling my days if I didn't have to work full time. I find it strange that people question it - don't these people have any interests outside work?

My only reservation, which I'd express to anyone who asked my opinion (but not unasked!), is, would you be financially secure if your husband was suddenly not around - divorce/death - or lost his job/went bankrupt?

No idea. I’m happy for others to decide.

You don't need to justify yourself.

They are jealous.

She was rude. And she made the others around her feel uncomfortable.

I find it odd that some people define their identity through their work and i say that as someone who has slogged away for years in my bloody work life.
A lack of purposefulness to me is someone who only has work to define them and not much going on outside of it.

Edited as hit post too soon with fat fingers.

Or the converse: I’ve always worked at fairly senior jobs throughout my marriage and have three dcs now adult. I was asked (by a well-meaning middle aged male neighbour at a party) what I had done work-wise before I got married. He was very surprised to hear that I still worked. There’s Victorian values for you!