Thoughts on this conversation

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We went to a party for our friends parents at the weekend, had a lovely time, lots of people we knew were there and others who we hadn’t met before.

I got chatting to 3 women and did the usual polite conversation and asking how they knew the hosting couple. The conversation moved on to work and what each of us did. Two worked, one was a SAHM with young children and I told them what my job was before I had children but that I hadn’t gone back to work.

One asked how old my children were, I told them. (20, 17 and 15). She said ‘so you must be going to go back to work soon the after all that time off’ which I found a bit passive aggressive, but just said that I wasn’t going to return to work as I liked being home and didn’t need to go back.

One of the other women changed the subject to talk about a song that was playing but the other woman continued to talk to me. She said ‘so what do you actually do all day?’ I said I take my middle and youngest kids to and from school but other than that, my time is mostly my own.

I said something about the food coming out soon to try to change the subject again, one of the other women said she was hungry so she hoped so, but the woman continued with, ‘what do you do between picking up your children? I said anything I fancy and listed a few things like going running, looking after our animals (we have our own and we foster dogs), cooking, gardening, seeing friends etc.

She asked ‘so do you class yourself as a SAHM then?’ I said I didn’t really think about it, I suppose so, but that my husband jokes I’m just retired. The other 2 women laughed, one said she wished she was retired but had 20 years work left yet.

The other woman continued talking to me saying ‘I don’t really think you can class yourself as a SAHM when your children are teenagers, by that point you just don’t work’. 😬😅

The other 2 looked shocked and I was getting a bit fed up of her questioning and said I wasn’t aware there was a cut off age, but I don’t really feel strongly about how I’m categorised and being classed as not working is fine by me. The other women laughed. The woman still continued saying something about how she feels it’s important to have a more in your life than children, which I did find quite rude. I said that it’s a good job I have lots of other things in my life then, made my excuses and went to find my husband.

One of the other women found me later on with my husband and said that the other woman was a very full on and we had a laugh at the awkwardness of the conversation.

Would you have found the questioning as strange as we did? It didn’t feel like nice chatty conversation like you have at parties. What would you have said? Do people really care if others don’t return to work? Would you actually question someone as much as this? I felt like I needed a lie down afterwards. 😂

I think if anyone pulled this crap on me (I work extremely part time, but used to do a very full on job before my third child was born), I would be very tempted to question them about their working hours and ask if they regularly do 14/15 hour days with no paid time off or sick pay like I did for 17 years and when they said ‘no, 9 hours a day scratching my arse in teams meetings’ or whatever, ask in a sneery way what on earth they do with all that time.

I think people are always a bit curious when there’s no traditional 9-5 involved. I stopped working when I had DD2. DD1 was 18 months old at the time and I’d found the work/life balance really very difficult - I’d returned to work when DD1 was 9 months old. I had a big job. I decided to take a five year career break until both my DDs were at school. Then I decided to Home Educate. They’re seventeen and sixteen now and my workless state and SAHM situation has caused so many interrogations over the years …

It's just jealousy, I'm sure.

I've recently retired at 65 after working for over 46 yrs, most full time, with a very responsible job, whilst having three children and six grandchildren.

I'm amazed at how many times I've already been asked whether I'm going to find another job or 'what do you do all day? I answer that I do all the things I never had time to do whilst I was working and, like many retired people say, I don't know how I ever had time to work!

OP, you sound like a VERY interesting person and just the sort I would like to chat to at a party. Who wants to talk about work - so boring! I had to do years of that at conferences etc and sometimes hid in the toilet at breaks rather than have to listen to another person telling me how important they are!

Like others though, I am intrigued at how you gained your wealth 😀

One of my friends recently retired - I asking how it was going, expecting a breezy “great!” Or something similar instead I got a fucking timetable of her new life, another person who used to walk to dance class with me and my friend - very fucking week we’d get a full boring description of events attended that week - I wondered why she thought she needed to share that level of detail - was it to justify her life? I’m scared to ask now about retirement- I don’t really want to know how people spend their day whether at work or not - I don’t care. Do other people really care?

I was going to say she was jealous.

do a Mel Robbins and “Let Them”

She shouldn't have said it, it was rude. She is probably jealous, as I would be as most ppl have to work.

There really shouldn't be a need for a title but I guess when the question is asked 'what do you do?' you just say what you have here. I imagine it becomes tedious explaining it every time, time to invent a new word! Xx

i bet your crochet is GRIPPING

My friend’s dd is in this position.
She married a multi millionaire. Although, she does have several young children so she is caring for them, before/after school. Maybe she has a nanny, I don’t know.
She is well educated to degree level but has never worked.
Met her dh, had a child, became a full time mother, got married, had more children. Never worked. Her choice and she lives a fabulous life.
She lives a life of absolute luxury. Beautiful house, mixes with other very wealthy women.
As far as I know she has no desire to alter this lifestyle.

@familyicons can i just ask why you care so much? This obviously really bothers you (don't say it doesn't, you've commented a few times on the thread now so it's worth taking time out of your life to do so)

Fair enough if she's happy I suppose. But her education was a bit of a waste.

Many years ago I was an au pair for an insanely wealthy, aristocratic family. Even the mum of that family of young children worked, albeit very part time, but in her previous industry. She wasn't prepared to settle for just being a title.

Why's education a waste if you don't work? Education is good for its own sake. And who wants kids brought up by an uneducated mum?

Why hone and train your brain to end up as a domestic? I mean, I have a friend that I went to school with who aspired to be a wife and mother. She was under no illusion that education offered anything to support her in that. She was a really good mum, but definitely didn't need to crack the books for it.

Not having paid work does not by default make you a domestic or a waste of a good education. My DM stopped work for caring responsibilities and worked for many years putting on exhibitions at the local museum where she acted as researcher, and curator, interviewing and documenting many topics connected to the museum. She took part in research projects to document historic church artefacts, she chaired local groups, started a local art exhibition that still runs and not only show cases local artists but gives them opportunities to sell their work. She used to make kids aprons and chef’s hats for a local hospice to sell in their shop. She set up a painting club that she hosted for many years. She ran the PTA back in the day, provided meals on wheels, acted as secretary for my dad’s business. She helped a local conservation group and had time to pursue her own interests.

She didn’t work, she also had a cleaner (!), but honestly if you think women without paid employment don’t do anything, you really aren’t thinking.

A previous poster had said about having an identity and independence, makes me laugh. My DM is a very interesting and engaging woman (I honestly thought it was her who started the ‘guess my age thread’ as she’s great fun). She’s over 80 and still ‘works’… no bugger pays her though!

So @Unusualsuspects, your MIL has had a career. Just an unpaid one.

Exactly, although it’s my DM…. my MIL greatest achievement was marrying well and my DH, but that’s another tale 😂

My DM was a SAHM though..

Because some people enjoy learning and stimulating their brains - the financial benefits aren’t important. For others learning is not a pleasure - education is just a means to earning a living and if they had the choice they wouldn’t do it.

That you’ve taken that from the OP’s post says way more about you than her. You sound about 11 years old. I know who I’d rather talk to at a party.

Well, you've got to be in education, employment or training till 18 so you may as well learn stuff!

Despite 15 years of teaching I still believe a good education is worthwhile for its own sake.

Even stuff that people deride as useless.

I was in Greece on holiday a couple of years ago, walking by the sea in the dark and the line from the Aeneid popped into my head "They were going in the darkness beneath a lonely sky..."

WhatsApped it to my sister with a photo. She shot straight back with the next line! 33 years later!

Ooops sorry! I'm under no illusion that the only work of value is paid work. Loads of my work is unpaid (unfortunately and unfairly!).

But just doing the home and the kids is brain rotting stuff. At least, unless you're home schooling. Really don't see why anyone would pay a fortune these days for a degree to never use it again.

what level of education did you achieve?

"I’m actually in a position where I don't have to work for a paycheque, so I treat my life and my time as my primary project.
Instead of building someone else's company, I invest my days into things that genuinely challenge me—like [Insert Hobby/Skill, e.g., studying art history, creative writing] and giving back to [Insert Cause/Community, e.g., local conservation].
It turns out that filling your days with purpose without a boss telling you what to do is an incredible, self-directed challenge. I’ve never been busier or more fulfilled."

Or you could just say "I do a lot! I just choose to invest my energy into passions and pursuits that don't require an HR department."

and then ask how she manages to do this whilst working 9-5.

Society conditions us to believe that our only worth as human beings is the paid job we do. If you are not spending time raising the next generation of workers (before the state takes over) you need to be in paid employment to be worthy.

Society depends on unpaid labour.

You describe yourself as interesting and interested, yet when an OP sounds kind and describes what sounds like an interesting and varied life, this is your response. 🤔 With your other responses on your thread, it’s very obvious that you have some issues.

OP, it does sound like she is jealous with some problems in her own life. It’s a shame when people act like that and make people feel uncomfortable but it says more about them than you. I think you handled it really well.