Thoughts on this conversation

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We went to a party for our friends parents at the weekend, had a lovely time, lots of people we knew were there and others who we hadn’t met before.

I got chatting to 3 women and did the usual polite conversation and asking how they knew the hosting couple. The conversation moved on to work and what each of us did. Two worked, one was a SAHM with young children and I told them what my job was before I had children but that I hadn’t gone back to work.

One asked how old my children were, I told them. (20, 17 and 15). She said ‘so you must be going to go back to work soon the after all that time off’ which I found a bit passive aggressive, but just said that I wasn’t going to return to work as I liked being home and didn’t need to go back.

One of the other women changed the subject to talk about a song that was playing but the other woman continued to talk to me. She said ‘so what do you actually do all day?’ I said I take my middle and youngest kids to and from school but other than that, my time is mostly my own.

I said something about the food coming out soon to try to change the subject again, one of the other women said she was hungry so she hoped so, but the woman continued with, ‘what do you do between picking up your children? I said anything I fancy and listed a few things like going running, looking after our animals (we have our own and we foster dogs), cooking, gardening, seeing friends etc.

She asked ‘so do you class yourself as a SAHM then?’ I said I didn’t really think about it, I suppose so, but that my husband jokes I’m just retired. The other 2 women laughed, one said she wished she was retired but had 20 years work left yet.

The other woman continued talking to me saying ‘I don’t really think you can class yourself as a SAHM when your children are teenagers, by that point you just don’t work’. 😬😅

The other 2 looked shocked and I was getting a bit fed up of her questioning and said I wasn’t aware there was a cut off age, but I don’t really feel strongly about how I’m categorised and being classed as not working is fine by me. The other women laughed. The woman still continued saying something about how she feels it’s important to have a more in your life than children, which I did find quite rude. I said that it’s a good job I have lots of other things in my life then, made my excuses and went to find my husband.

One of the other women found me later on with my husband and said that the other woman was a very full on and we had a laugh at the awkwardness of the conversation.

Would you have found the questioning as strange as we did? It didn’t feel like nice chatty conversation like you have at parties. What would you have said? Do people really care if others don’t return to work? Would you actually question someone as much as this? I felt like I needed a lie down afterwards. 😂

There is a movie called Terms of Endearment, from around 1984 I believe, starring Debra Winger and Shirley MacLaine. This same conversation was around back then. It's nothing new.

erm I think you’re probably sensitive about your position and she was trying to understand if you don’t work what do you do? That’s it really.

I would privately think what that woman was thinking but I wouldn't voice it to you. She was rude.

She was extremely rude!

She’s just jealous! I am too 😂

Was she rude though? She was just asking questions?

Most spouses cannot afford not to work or go back to work once their kids are older, ergo, you're an outlier/anomaly/enigma/something to get her head round.
Might have been a mixture of jealousy/resentment, disgust/sneeriness (ladies that lunch attitude) or genuine curiosity.
For the record, I am term-time only. If I were asked what I do for 13 weeks of the year the answer would invariably be collapse in a heap but if I am not taking my kids away I don't feel the pressing urge to be doing anything or defending my (in)actions and nor should you.
Teenagers can be full-on in any case and destroy a home in seconds!

I’m really not, it was things she said like ‘all that time off’ and the way she went on and on when all of us had tried to change the conversation. I do think she was quite rude, maybe she was just socially awkward though and didn’t understand that it was time to move the conversation on to something else as it was a party. I prefer to have fun at parties. 😂

Maybe, but everyone has things in their life which are difficult. I certainly do, but as we didn’t know each other, she isn’t aware of those.

Hoping they lower the retirement age for you or you have a very large windfall. 🤞 😂

I think it was rude when she asked so many questions just to me when others were there to chat to and it was a party, asked twice about what I did all day, said ‘all that time off’ and when others were obviously uncomfortable and trying to change the subject.

Not strange in itself, but she was rude to hound you. You handled it gracefully.

It's something I have strong opinions about. I might try to explore whether you'd be up for a chat about the wider implications, but I wouldn't hold you responsible for every woman's career prospects and every trapped wife, as this person seemed to want to do!

If she does actually have a political perspective, she failed to make her point, didn't she. More likely she's just one of those characters who pick away at any potential vulnerability - a bully, in short. Unfortunate for her that your poise held steady.

I dunno. I think you have to ask yourself why it bothered you so much? And what do you do all day? Sorry lol! I didn’t mean that. But it bothered you enough to do a thread so hand on heart did she hit a nerve? I only say this as sometimes we have to sit with why things bother us… who knows what that might lead to for you.

I think it's a weird thing to be bothered about She asked some questions you answered, she was interested do asked some more. That's a normal conversation.

This. If something someone says bothers you then it has struck a nerve.

I work and always have done. I have friends who don’t work. I don’t understand the world they occupy and they don’t understand mine. I think maybe the fact you referred to a job you did 20 years ago was a bit odd though and saying “I don’t work” would have been enough.

It didn’t bother me as such but I found it weird and I think it’s common to reflect on weird encounters and why people act like this with strangers. I wondered if other people had experienced others like it and how they would have dealt with it. And I’m up with one of our foster dogs who is very nervous so thought I’d post whilst I’m pinned to the sofa by her and have nothing to do but be on here.

What it might lead to…..like going back to work? That will be a definite no. 😂

Doesn't seem odd to me. It's a potential conversation point which someone might want to take further and it might lead to an interesting exchange or a connection with someone who's worked in the same or a similar field or knows someone that does. If it doesn't, no harm done.

Of course she was rude!

I think people are getting very weird about people who don't work due to the state of the economy. Sometimes people who are being supported by family and aren't claiming benefits are seen as exempt from these judgemental attitudes but it seems not always, as this exchange suggests. Ultimately, you're not paying taxes but someone else has the job you would have had and are paying the same set of taxes. If they need the job more it seems this is quite a positive arrangement from an economic point of view. Not that that should be your main concern OP. You are perfectly entitled to make the decisions that are best for you and your family.

She sounds rude and mentioning she has 20 more years of work to do suggests she may not be too happy about that

People generally don’t pick apart what people do day to day in their jobs or life in general when they are strangers. No reason to do that to you either

I wouldn’t worry about it OP

I referred to my previous job as it was the same one as one of the other women did. When it came to my ‘turn’ to answer’, I said ‘I was actually also a <insert job title> like you, (gesturing to the other woman), before I had children, but I didn’t return to work’. If we hadn’t been in the same career, I wouldn’t have mentioned it. I thought it might have led to a conversation about how the job is now, but no chance, the other woman completely took over the conversation.

I just think people don’t want to hear other people’s political opinions, especially at parties. I have strong views on for example women wearing burkas but I would never say that to someone actually wearing one. Because it’s not about the individual it’s more about the cultural principle and she’s unlikely to change perspective over me saying it at a party and she’d just feel uncomfortable.

OP I once spoke to this woman at a party and she said she was a head teacher. She asked me what I did and I said I was a SAHM - my children were quite small but it doesn’t matter anyway - she just acted as if I hadn’t spoken and went to speak to someone presumably more worthwhile! I don’t find people more interesting that work necessarily. Sometimes they bang on about their job often in terms that indicate how very important they are and it’s insufferably dull.

It sounds like that woman should learn some manners. What she was doing was implied criticism/pity and who wants that. There are a lot of more interesting topics like hobbies and interests or she could have asked about holidays or music or films or almost anything really. I think it made her feel more special but really SAHMs with older children do a lot of the things other people don’t have time for like the emergency pick ups for friends, the PTA fundraisers, volunteering, looking after elderly neighbours etc (I know working parents do some of those things too, this isn’t a them and us thing but SAHMs would have more time for them).

Also I know a lot of retired people and we have very interesting conversations so jobs are often the least interesting thing about people.

She was being rude and judgmental. It’s none of her business what you do with your time. You wouldn’t have stood there demanding to know exactly how she fills her time at work. Sod her.

She is definitely jealous - and rude. How you live your life is none of her business. Plus, older kids always seem to have ways of filling up your day .

Not that it matters, but I am not supported by my husband. We do share finances but I have money in my own right. My husband could retire if he wanted to but chooses to work around 3 days a week as he enjoys that. Obviously, that isn’t a conversation for with strangers at a party though. 😅

I think she was probably envious in some way. It was rude to keep on pressing you. Let's face it though, it's 2026 and many, many families cannot afford a good existence on one salary. You're very fortunate that your DH is a good earner and he's happy for you to not work. Fostering dogs is a very worthwhile thing to do though.

In the moment I'd probably have been as perplexed as you and said nothing. With hindsight, I'd have made a comment along the lines of "why so many questions? Do you have a problem with women who don't return to work?"