Thoughts on this conversation

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We went to a party for our friends parents at the weekend, had a lovely time, lots of people we knew were there and others who we hadn’t met before.

I got chatting to 3 women and did the usual polite conversation and asking how they knew the hosting couple. The conversation moved on to work and what each of us did. Two worked, one was a SAHM with young children and I told them what my job was before I had children but that I hadn’t gone back to work.

One asked how old my children were, I told them. (20, 17 and 15). She said ‘so you must be going to go back to work soon the after all that time off’ which I found a bit passive aggressive, but just said that I wasn’t going to return to work as I liked being home and didn’t need to go back.

One of the other women changed the subject to talk about a song that was playing but the other woman continued to talk to me. She said ‘so what do you actually do all day?’ I said I take my middle and youngest kids to and from school but other than that, my time is mostly my own.

I said something about the food coming out soon to try to change the subject again, one of the other women said she was hungry so she hoped so, but the woman continued with, ‘what do you do between picking up your children? I said anything I fancy and listed a few things like going running, looking after our animals (we have our own and we foster dogs), cooking, gardening, seeing friends etc.

She asked ‘so do you class yourself as a SAHM then?’ I said I didn’t really think about it, I suppose so, but that my husband jokes I’m just retired. The other 2 women laughed, one said she wished she was retired but had 20 years work left yet.

The other woman continued talking to me saying ‘I don’t really think you can class yourself as a SAHM when your children are teenagers, by that point you just don’t work’. 😬😅

The other 2 looked shocked and I was getting a bit fed up of her questioning and said I wasn’t aware there was a cut off age, but I don’t really feel strongly about how I’m categorised and being classed as not working is fine by me. The other women laughed. The woman still continued saying something about how she feels it’s important to have a more in your life than children, which I did find quite rude. I said that it’s a good job I have lots of other things in my life then, made my excuses and went to find my husband.

One of the other women found me later on with my husband and said that the other woman was a very full on and we had a laugh at the awkwardness of the conversation.

Would you have found the questioning as strange as we did? It didn’t feel like nice chatty conversation like you have at parties. What would you have said? Do people really care if others don’t return to work? Would you actually question someone as much as this? I felt like I needed a lie down afterwards. 😂

OP already said she is independently wealthy and has her own sources of income.

She was rude to push the topic. I’d consider you unemployed, rather than a SAHM with late teenage children.

I wouldn’t assume she’s jealous though like other posters have said. Personally, I don’t really understand why you’d make that choice not to work.

I could choose not to work, but I love being a subject matter expert and I enjoy the corporate world… it gives me a chance to wear certain clothes. I know, it sounds vapid, but a Boardroom is an amazing place to wear fabulous tailoring and I’m not even joking 😂

It’s fortunate you’re independently wealthy. I’m currently listening to two different friends (actually one is my sister!) going through acrimonious divorces and honestly, they’re both financially fucked with no career prospects. I can’t say anything negative, as we can’t reverse time. I do quietly think they were massively naive to trust someone else with their futures.

You were at a loss what to talk about? What a strange attitude. So the only conversations you can engage in are those pertaining to employment? I hate talking about people's jobs - it's usually the least interesting thing about them.

I've spent my life batting off idiots like this.

"oh what made you have your child at 21?" (it wasn't planned but was the best thing I did)
"why didn't you have any more?" (I did try = miscarriages)
"oh why did you go back to live at home when you got divorced in your 20s?" (well because I got zero CS and you try getting a flat in London as a single mum. Being at home I could go back to work)

There are always going to be women like this, who are totally inappropriate and have no filter. Good Lord, I have met enough in my time! A SIL of mine is like that. I spoke to her once in 20009, and she was sufficiently rude that that was the last time I ever spoke to her, despite my sister's best efforts.

I've accepted that people are just really different, some are not so polite / wired differently, and I've stopped trying to make sense of it.

This sort of question often comes up on threads and I find it strange. Not everyone lives in towns or cities where there are footpaths and good public transport services.

I stopped work when my child was 16. I had a lot of questions from people, like the OP. I knew that my son was facing an important academic time, my parents were crashing and needing a lot of support, we were in the throes of a massive house refurbishment, and my husband was out of the house from 5am every day, and often travelled overseas. Something had to give, and I stopped my work to make all the rest of our family able to function. It was absolutely the right decision for us. It was 20 years ago now, and I STILL have people asking me what I do all day, even though I’m now old enough to have retired from work. Some people are just a bit rude, others a bit jealous, others just too opinionated.

Or even where the nearest school is within walking distance. In some parts of Scotland (and I'm presuming similarly rural areas in other parts) school can be 20 or more miles away.

Was she on the wine?

She was like a dog with a bone, she wouldn't let it go. She is the rude one. I would never in a month of Sundays stand there and keep questioning a woman as to why she doesn't stay at home to look after her children.
If you have to speak to her at the upcoming wedding make sure to tell her all about the lunches you have had with friends, the books you sat and read and of all the countless hours pottering in the garden. Smile the whole time.

You can ask that question once and then maybe a follow up but that's really rude when you've just met someone.

If she doesn't want to work and doesn't financially need to, why would she? What's it to you or anyone else?

I have a ‘friend’ who puts down people who don’t work at every opportunity knowing full well that I don’t work. She does an important and amazing job, no doubt, but she seems to find it inconceivable that anyone would choose not to work. She’s also never asked me the reasons why I don’t work (there are several). I personally would have hated for my kids to have a nanny or be in daycare, but I’d never judge anyone else and certainly never comment when she talks about her nanny. It’s rude. Thankfully she’s in the vast minority.

It doesn’t sound like OP did describe herself as a SAHM though?

Many people would be of the opinion that not working gives one more time and opportunity to ‘engage with life’.

I just meant along the lines of what OP said she replied;

I told them what my job was before I had children but that I hadn’t gone back to work.

Asking pointed questions IS rude.
That's why the British developed the convention of talking about the weather.
It's safe and non personal.
Another unwanted interaction I've noticed too much of is people over sharing.
These are mere acquaintances or barely met and old enough to know better.
They tell me details about themselves that should only be disclosed in a medical consultation.
I don't want to hear of such things.
I don't remember this happening years ago.
Sometimes things have become too casual now.

She was digging - she was jealous. She wanted you to say something negative about it so that she can feel better about having to work full time. Forget about it and keep enjoying your life!

The woman was a bit socially off kilter for the occasion.

Parties are generally for light conversation and fun. She misjudged the time and place for a discussion like that.

She was bloody rude, and clearly judging. Don't blame you finding it disconcerting.

I don't get the idea that you can't be called a SAHM if the DC are older though. It remains factually correct. Obviously being a SAHM to younger DC is vastly different to older ones, but you are still a Mum, and you stay at home with DC that need some level of looking after.

Yes she was rude, critical and judgemental to your face!

I admit I might have judged (and there would have been a bit of me motivated by jealousy in doing so) but I definitely wouldn't have voiced it.

In your position I would have focused on the fostering/rescuing animals. That must be a time consuming and dedicated "job" and an admirable thing to do. Might have shut her up!

P.S. Glad to hear you have your own independent funds/income. Again, I'm jealous, haha.

It's none of her business, she was rude.

it’s important to have more in your life than children
Well, I agree with that sentiment but it appears the OP has foster dogs and maybe many other interests.
This woman could be judgemental/critical/envious or she could be tone deaf/ direct/curious. Maybe she doesn't read the conversational signs and persists where others might back off. Either way she was pushy and next time avoid her or think of some jokey responses. Also, big up your dog care volunteering - that's a great thing to do.

Why should she understand? Not her business. OP isn't being sensitive, this woman was rude and awkward.

This. I was in a similar situation before I retired and was widowed. No kids but I only ever worked part time. I wouldn't have handled it nearly as politely as you did,

Just ignore that crap OP. Many posters on here can't bear it for people to live differently than they do.

She was rude to plough on, and possibly envious.

I too would struggle to get my head round the situation though - is it not precarious to have no independent income?