Thoughts on this conversation

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We went to a party for our friends parents at the weekend, had a lovely time, lots of people we knew were there and others who we hadn’t met before.

I got chatting to 3 women and did the usual polite conversation and asking how they knew the hosting couple. The conversation moved on to work and what each of us did. Two worked, one was a SAHM with young children and I told them what my job was before I had children but that I hadn’t gone back to work.

One asked how old my children were, I told them. (20, 17 and 15). She said ‘so you must be going to go back to work soon the after all that time off’ which I found a bit passive aggressive, but just said that I wasn’t going to return to work as I liked being home and didn’t need to go back.

One of the other women changed the subject to talk about a song that was playing but the other woman continued to talk to me. She said ‘so what do you actually do all day?’ I said I take my middle and youngest kids to and from school but other than that, my time is mostly my own.

I said something about the food coming out soon to try to change the subject again, one of the other women said she was hungry so she hoped so, but the woman continued with, ‘what do you do between picking up your children? I said anything I fancy and listed a few things like going running, looking after our animals (we have our own and we foster dogs), cooking, gardening, seeing friends etc.

She asked ‘so do you class yourself as a SAHM then?’ I said I didn’t really think about it, I suppose so, but that my husband jokes I’m just retired. The other 2 women laughed, one said she wished she was retired but had 20 years work left yet.

The other woman continued talking to me saying ‘I don’t really think you can class yourself as a SAHM when your children are teenagers, by that point you just don’t work’. 😬😅

The other 2 looked shocked and I was getting a bit fed up of her questioning and said I wasn’t aware there was a cut off age, but I don’t really feel strongly about how I’m categorised and being classed as not working is fine by me. The other women laughed. The woman still continued saying something about how she feels it’s important to have a more in your life than children, which I did find quite rude. I said that it’s a good job I have lots of other things in my life then, made my excuses and went to find my husband.

One of the other women found me later on with my husband and said that the other woman was a very full on and we had a laugh at the awkwardness of the conversation.

Would you have found the questioning as strange as we did? It didn’t feel like nice chatty conversation like you have at parties. What would you have said? Do people really care if others don’t return to work? Would you actually question someone as much as this? I felt like I needed a lie down afterwards. 😂

I think people just can't fathom how it works, because it wouldn't for them. I assume you take care of a lot of the housework if DH is at work, plus obviously you're there for school pick-ups and any school related events, and you look after the animals etc. If you doing that, and DH dealing with the money side of things, works for you, then that's fantastic.

But I knew a woman exactly the same as you, had "stay at home mama" in her bio when her kids were 16 and 18. Her husband worked incredibly long hours as a truck driver, including overnights, paid for everything, and she spent a huge amount of money on credit cards, gradually getting them further and further into debt. She didn't get her first job until she was 44, and that was only because he left her, as the kids were adults, and he realised if he lived alone he could halve his hours and have plenty of money left over.

I think we all know someone like this, which is why people might not understand that it does genuinely work for some people.

Me and DP are much the same, although I do have a small WFH job for spends.

I also find the reverse of this amusing. I’ve known couples who are not very high earners, complaining that they are always tired and stressed, that they have debts and how everything is so ‘expensive’ and yet..them live in a £1m house, both have new cars, expensive holidays and kids are having horse riding lessons…but of course, it’s all ‘essential’ and so are the high-stress jobs that pay for it. In this example, both could work part-time and still have a reasonable standard of living.

I cannot fathom why a woman's life choice including staying at home for however she wants should ever be open to comment, discussion scrutiny or judgement by some random person at a party. The last time I checked we're living in a democracy. Just like choosing not to have children, choosing which shop you do your food shopping in, or which concert you want to go to. It seems everyone has to have an opinion about everything and people feel they have to justify their choices.

why? Just why?

To be fair, the woman you’ve described isn’t “exactly like” the OP though

I like her style. I'd be far less courteous.

She wasn’t just trying to understand what Op does she was being judgmental

Very rude. You have more patience than I would have had.

Ignore it,sounds like pure jealousy to me,what about having the average job makes your life richer? People who are so judgemental are not worth bothering with TBH.

But what difference does it make - it does sound like the woman wanted to know how it worked - it sounded like what she wanted to say was I don't approve. I've seen similar lines of questioning on here and it always ends with an attack of someone's lifestyle that has nothing to do with anyone but the couple.

"why would the OP explain why she is chosing to not work?"

Maybe in much the same way as when someone asks you why you chose to be a lawyer/hairdresser/ taxi driver? I would answer that type of question

She sounds like one of those people (of which there are very many in my experience) who thinks everyone else is like them or should be like them. I might have been tempted to shoot back - "oh, I just watch daytime TV, have coffees and maybe do a bit of light housework".

I don't think I have ever asked anyone why they chose their job - except may if I was interviewing them. I'm quite sure this person would have continued banging on until she felt she had sufficiently berated the OP. No one wants to talk about work at a party - the conversation was not appropriate.

"I never ask what people do for a job as it isn’t important to me"

Thats a bit dismissive to show no interest in what people spend a third of their day doing

Yeah but it’s such a clumsy thing to ask. It feels like a way of some people pigeon holing others. If it naturally comes up, fine, but it’s often an opening line. I find it a bit rude under those circumstances.

I would have got bored with the conversation and would have gone to get some food.

I cant tell if she was rude or not, the tone of her voice and body language would let you know though.

Op doesn't rely on anyone else for her existence and if she did it's no one else's business. Read the ops updates.

"I never ask what people do for a job as it isn’t important to me"
While its not important to me what yhey actually do , it's interesting to find out what people do. In a small town like the one I'm in you can usually make links to your other friends and acquaintances and it helps with the flow of conversation.
I dont mind people asking.

Don't worry, OP, she was just jealous.

Nosy cow!
Your lifestyle choices are your own and as long as all the family are happy then that's just fine. You are not required to justify these choices.

There is something to be said for having one person at home who is not stressed and rushing about and is able to create a peaceful secure environment for everyone .... it is just one choice of many... suits some .... each to their own.

A lot of people aren’t passionate about their work
For a lot of people it doesn’t define them or in any way explain who they really are

So what they do is less relevant than what they are interest in

My interests and work are my passion and hobby too so the conversation would envelope both
But thats definitely not the same for everyone

I feel it's not polite to ask about what job someone does. It's a bit like asking salary in a not so subtle way. I just would not ask - not saying I'm not curious but you would be considered a complete bore to talk about work at a party - it's just not the place.

I don’t think people judge if you work voluntarily, or perhaps don’t take a salary for a family business, (still no tax) or work for a much lower salary than you could command (much less tax…) or even work very hard for a business that makes no money… it’s a judgement on ‘laziness’ which is sad.

Do people have to ask about work then? I don’t. I’m not interested. Genuinely it’s not interesting to me at all. Interpreting being interested in you as a person rather than in what you do to pay the bills, as ‘ dismissive’ is a massive stretch.

Gosh, sorry for making that assumption, despite the fact that there are people in my own family with the same set up! And that people in the wider family have made the same assumption and it's annoyed me a bit, here I am doing the same thing when tired and not thinking straight. 😂Good for you for living your life the way you want to live it!

In my mother's day she said going out to work as a married woman was looked down on and woman were asked why their husband could not afford to keep them. Interesting